I remember my last Christmas in the house with the family, at the table that is-- a few after when banished to another room while they ate at the dining room table--no acknowledgement I was their, just denials about what they had done. Well the last time at the table I was ridiculed and attacked and I remember saying you should not laugh at what he does it is wrong and the response was you (me) is not going to ruin my dinner by correcting him and one of the children said you should have stopped him before and they continued to laugh. I said to myself how could I, the mother encouraged and allowed it, always protecting him as did the rest of the family.I walked away from the table (reminded of the times her father left the table over and over as he felt attacked--but I guess they have convinced themselves that did not happen either). This had gone of for a few years and I began to hate Christmas. I remember sitting in the office hearing them talk about me, I remember who said what and I have not forgotten their mean words. They thought they were so clever but they learned well from the masters.
I was in the midst of dealing with the memories of CSA for a few years at this time. I had not slept most of that year. As I heard their words, cruel words, I began to think of the abuse and abuser. I also remember that night, I was in the office and I slowly wandered in my mind, a few hours were lost, where was I all that time. This sense of loss was everywhere for me and I could not stop it. I know from doctors and Ts the environment was controlling me, pushing me back to him, the abuser, as they laughed, ridiculed, and physically attacked me. I hated every holiday during that time because I knew I would be the brunt of their jokes, their lies, their need to feel important by belittling everyone.
I stopped decorating for Christmas because I was told the lights were not right, I did a terrible job and this is after I did it for 25 years, all because one of the children, and he did a great job, wanted to take it over. I now understand how the ex's father hated Christmas but then when he found his friend you could see his happiness and was unencumbered by the family.
I realize, I like Christmas again, because I am surrounded by people who are kind and appreciative, not bullies and the nights are not spent laughing about other people challenges, failures, inadequacies and issues. I do not feel the need to leave and hide in the office. It is the people you are with that makes the holiday something to remember, not bad memories that I carry but happy and joyful ones. I await my friend and even though it is only for a couple of days, it will leave me with a happy memory and boy do I need one now.
I hope you are surrounded by kind people, at least one person, it can be a volunteer person by helping at an event, a neighbor and even if only for a few minutes it will bring you some happiness.
I am sorry you feel the way you do, I did for several years in my home and there were people there--so it is not having people around just the right people who know love, compassion and kindness, people who do not protect and encourage others to attack a person. I think of a family I knew years ago, six children, a grandmother and great aunt and if one child said a negative comment to anyone or attacked anyone, the mother and father together said, apologize or leave for anyone at this table must feel welcome. Not my family or ex's, this was not a practice and I was the one not welcomed. I did not have that and I guess it was truly learned behavior as I remember the multitude of times the father-in-law left the table--and strangely they all blamed him.
Be kind to yourself during this season. We will be thinking of you, maybe not there physically but you will be in our hearts and minds. Take care of yourself and remember we are thinking of you.
Kevin
