extraordinary loneliness

extraordinary loneliness
B

Brayton

Registrant
I probably should have posted earlier when more guys were logged on but was too busy until now.

Despite the busy-ness of the day and my efforts to get even busier, I am still practically overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness and isolation.

It is interesting that while suicidal ideation has decreased significantly and belief that therapy has been helpful has increased, my feelings of loneliness have remained pretty much constant.

This is one of the oldest and most consistent feelings I have, one of my earliest memories.

It is dispelled significantly while I am talking with someone who can empathize with my experiences and resulting problems but that goes only so far.

It cannot be expected that such a person is or such people are going to be available on a more or less constant basis.

I don't know how to get over the hump of meeting new people who will be safe, who I can trust. Have little to no experience with that.

I suppose that will improve as therapy progresses further though after more than 2 years it hasn't.

I don't know what to do. This feeling is pretty much overwhelming.
 
Brayton:

I feel for you, man.

In my life, I am pretty fortunate... I don't feel lonely too often, but it does happen from time to time.

I think that loneliness is a state of mind, and if you have felt like that for a long time, then it might be hard to learn to feel otherwise. It will happen, though, Brayton, I believe that.

All I can say is that with this site available to you, you really are NOT alone. Definitely, absolutely, NOT alone. Pixels and keyboards are not a complete substitute for close-range human interaction, but it is important and it helps. I know it has helped me in the past month since I found this site.

Hang in there, and know that you are in my thoughts.

Best to you,

Kurt
 
Brayton as Kurt says you are never alone again. We are all here for each other.

The thing I had to do with strangers was to consciously let down my guard and let other people into my space. It was really hard to do because in the past it had caused me nothing but pain and grief. I did it when it was safe for me and it worked most of the time.

Another thing. I found it was a whole lot easier to do with strangers once I had established that what happened was definitely not my fault and I had gained a measure of self respect. I think I got that, in the beginning, by realizing it was not my fault and forgiving myself for my coping strategies that only made things worse for me. It will come believe me.

:p
 
Brayton - you've hit a chord with me when you said that you were busy & getting busier. I've been doing that for 34 years until I got too busy and practically burned out. 3 therapy sessions & I know it's OK to slump in front of the TV & do nothing (although I probably get up & do something several times during a program... make coffee etc).

Sometimes I can feel lonely in a crowded room, even if I'm having good conversations with people and if we are cracking jokes. It's a sort of emptiness that is difficult to explain - I now understand why it happens. I felt safe near my Perp until the abuse started and that trust was obviously betrayed - I almost expect other people that I trust to betray me as well.

Over the years though I have stuck it out and have some very good friends, some of whom thought I was eccentric (Mad Englishman)until I blurted out the reasons for some of my 'strange behaviour' (always taking months to start real conversations with unfamiliar people in social settings).

I even get concerned if someone doesn't answer a text message or voice mail straight away, I can think that something has happened to them or that they don't want to hear my yapping. I then get more rational & realise that they could be out of range / in the bath / asleep or have a million and one other reasons for not being able to answer (rather than not wanting to).

There are people out there that can be good friends if you let them - it's bloody hard to let your guard down, but sometimes we have to. If we get it wrong as adults at least we can just tell them to sod off!

You sound like a good bloke - the best way to make friends is to start speaking to people... go places, say hello.

I'm actually going on a short break next week with 3 friends and 2 people that work with one of my friends. At the minute I keep having downers (feelings not pills) - 2 of my friends know that I've just started therapy & if I'm down whilst we are away, I have gained enough strength from this site to be able to tell the others why I am behaving the way that I am.

So my drift is, use this site to gain strength and try and reach out and make new friends no matter how hard it is. *You don't just have to speak to others to make friends - one of the best ways it to listen... not a lot of people really do that, it's a very good friend that does.

*I sometimes wish I had a picture of all the people that have helped me on this site (I have one in my head but I've probably got everyone totally wrong)- that would cheer me up every time I looked at it.

Best wishes ....Rik
 
Brayton,

I can relate to what you're feeling. One of the major coping strategies that I had was the belief that I was the only one this every happened to. I was alone, no one else could possibly relate so why even try. On a superficial level I would relate to other people but when they tried to get closer I either pushed them away or I placed an inordinate amount of trust in them (and usually got used/betrayed which just reinforced my distrustful lonely nature).

I've changed quite a bit. I've always enjoyed talking to people but now I can talk to others on a different level. I've told almost all of my close friends that I was abused, not the details, just that it happened. I won't stand idly by while someone snidely suggests that there is something wrong with someone who waits years to come forward about abuse. I speak up for myself now and don't really care that much if other people don't like what I have to say anymore. They are entitled to their opinions and I'm entitled to mine. I've found that by me being more open, others have been more open with me. My BS detector is better now too.

This board is a very good place just to write down my feelings. Sometimes just writing them down helps crystalize it in my mind and gains a new perspective for me. You're with friends and brothers here and you're not alone.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve
 
Brayton,

Loneliness is a feeling that I know all to well. I am alone in a crowed room. When I am here I don't feel alone, I am understood and have been more than welcomed. As are you.

I came to quite a sobering revelation a couple of Sundays ago. I will remain alone, at least in my mind, until I can learn to trust again. I have made a step forward, here at MS, there are so many good and decent guys here that I trust. The stories of the abuses by my perpetrators have been told here many times, but no where else. I have shared more of myself here on the boards and in the chatroom than I have with my T. My story and their secrets are getting out of me and being shared with the 1582 registered members and countless guests here at MS, with that I gain the strength to trust, to tell a person, my T, face to face. The trust is growing and hopefully soon I will gain enough and find a person worthy enough of it, that will safeguard that trust.

I am a believer that certain things must go in a certain order, this is one of them. First you must trust yourself, then you can trust others, then you can be true friends with others, then you can love others. I am have missed a step or two in there, but the order is correct.

Wishing you (and the rest of us) true friendship and love,
Bill
 
I to feel alone alot. I have a best friend that is my age and he knows pretty much everything there is to know about me but is not interestd in anything else then being the best friend iv ever had and I honestly wouldn't want anything to change if it would make me loose him as a friend so I leave it where he wants it to stay. But it is hard when you go to bed and wake up alone. I live with my parents *mom- dad split..visitaion for both..mostly mother* but you know those are your PARENTS not exactly the ppl I want to clear up my loniness. I wish I had some type of postive answer for you? but I can't think of one..for I am 2 just kinda starting to come back to tryin to fix what ever happend to me 15 years 3 months 7 days ago..and continuing for 2 years.
 
i have felt this same way much of my life. only in recent months has that changed. my earliest memories as a kid are of feeling extremely lonely. as i began to forgive and accept myself i was finally able to begin to feel again, and to let people inside. it has taken a real effort on my part to mentally and physically change how i act around others, and allow them to get close. i was only able to do that when i began feeling i was worth it. give it some time, and i'm always here for you in the meantime...phos
 
Hey Brett... I'm so sorry you are having a tough time with feeling this way. In my experience with feeling that deep and utter loneliness, where you can be in a room full of people and still feel like you are completely alone, it comes from not feeling understood or listened to.

And sometimes, when you haven't been understood or listened to for so long, you sort of embody the belief that you deserve to be alone and that no one really cares about you anyway. And sometimes (also in my experience) you cling to the people (my first girlfriend) who give you attention until you become too needy or too demanding, and they leave, and therefore you have solidified that belief that you are not deserving of attention and understanding.

But Brett... when you start to work on your past, and start to work on righting the wrongs in therapy, you slowly start to come out of that dark hole of loneliness. You start to realize that when you validate your feelings, it doesn't matter quite as much if other people do. And the depression and suicidal thoughts don't last as long as they used to.

Like I said, I have a lot of experience feeling the way you do. And I am here to listen and support you... you know that. PM me if you need to.

-Sean
 
...And sometimes, when you haven't been understood or listened to for so long, you sort of embody the belief that you deserve to be alone and that no one really cares about you anyway. ...sometimes you cling to the people who give you attention until you become too needy or too demanding, and they leave...
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I have struggled with fears of abandonment anyway so this strikes home. I worry that sometimes when I post here and when I PM people that I sound whiny, complaining and clinging. I am afraid of putting people off by doing that so I struggle with being entirely honest about my feelings because I have a nagging belief that to keep people around I have to hold back.

Guys, I have pondered all you have written and it helps. I know I do feel less isolated and alone when I get this sort of flood of support from you all.

It has occurred to me that part of the problem is that I am still somewhat hung up on denial. It is not so much thinking that I am unique in what I experienced (reading what has been posted on this discussion board cured me of any of that) but doubting that 1) my feelings and difficulties actually stem from CSA, despite my memories and 2) that any experiences I had were serious enough to be taken seriously.

I know that these things can be false but I am not talking about good clear reasonable thinking. I am talking about the sorts of doubts that I know many of you have and are experiencing also.
 
Brayton
the answers to both your queststions are "YES"
when you've been abused the feelings you describe are to be expected, and they are important - very important.

Lonliness is something I felt for a long while, even though I've always worked, gone out socially and been married for 29 years.
I felt lonely because I felt different. I felt as though I was some kind of ......alien.... in other 'normal' peoples company. ( whoever they might be
;) )

But over time these feelings can become deeply ingrained and socializing is hard, and who do we trust? is another issue.
Maybe something like volunteering for charity will open up social avenues for you ? They're always after free labour :D and the sort of people that volunteer are usually good, genuine, caring people. So trusting might be a whole lot easier.

It's just a thought Brayton, but we have to go looking.

Dave
 
I experienced that loneliness-in-a-crowd thing again last night at a staff holiday party. At one point, I found myself leaning against a column in the middle of the room, totally surrounded by people in half a dozen little animated groups.

I'd "mixed" with them earlier but that felt somewhat superficial, shallow or something like that. Against the column I felt as if I was invisible, part of it willful I think, part of it involuntary I believe.

I almost started crying but swallowed it (would've become visible then maybe).

Dave, I've worked in non-profits for about 15 years, most of that in organizations that worked with children, the last 5 and a half with an agency that helps homeless and at-risk kids, many of whom have experienced CSA.

You're right. That does help.

Yesterday, I posted about feeling abandoned by guys on this site. I know that was distorted thinking. In many ways nothing could be further from the truth. Its actually extraordinary how many guys are really accessible. The support, compared with what I felt before finding this site, is astounding.

However, yesterday that is what I felt and it was sort of devastating. I was feeling really needy and feeling guilty about that. I was feeling compulsive about using this site (you all can see how often I post here which says nothing about the freqency of my PMing) and I felt weird about that too.

I know this morning that those feelings are temporary but they sure didn't feel that way yesterday.

Has anyone else felt these things?
 
Hi Brett,

When I read your description of feelings, I feel like we've gone through a "vulcan mind-meld" on Star Trek together.

Your story of the office party reminded me of a similar occasion and my telling the story to my T. He said to me, well, the difference between you and them is that you're like a person struggling for your next breath and preoccupied with how that feels and they're just chit-chatting about mindless stuff. I would feel like I was dying inside, desperate to feel connected with someone on this earth, and finally leaving the party feeling completely ashamed of myself vowing never to do parties again. The moral of the story for me is, for the most part, "people who don't know it, don't know it! And why would they want to?"

Which leads me to your last part of your post where you talked about feeling abandoned by the guys here. Again this brought me back to my own history before I knew that power, like everything else, came from within me not outside of me. However, I'm reminded of how when my two daughters were really little sitting in their highchairs how I would play peek-a-boo with them. All was fun and games until one time I hid my face behind my hands but didn't open them up as usual in the game and say peek-a-boo!! All of a sudden, my daughter started to cry bitterly. What I learned from that was she was too little to know that my hands were part of my body and that I hadn't really gone away. But she needed to "see" my face to know I was there. Then she smiled and wanted to play over and over again. This story feels like the little part of you who had come to depend on our faces through these written contacts. Maybe he felt safer than he had in a very long time and he feared it was gone. Little ones aren't logical. They're all feelings. I sure hope nobody judges him when he gets afraid or confused. This is a very challenging thing for an adult to grow out of, never mind a child!!

Taz
 
I worry that sometimes when I post here and when I PM people that I sound whiny, complaining and clinging. I am afraid of putting people off by doing that so I struggle with being entirely honest about my feelings because I have a nagging belief that to keep people around I have to hold back.
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Brett... nothing could be further from the truth. That is what this place if for. Reaching out when you need help, and helping others when they are down. And it is more likely that here anyway, being honest is what draws people to you. I know that is true for me. When you (and others here) are up front about their feelings, even the dark ones, I learn. And if you (or others) keep the feelings and doubts to yourself for fear of pushing people away, you don't know how that might keep someone from learning something from your experiences. (Not trying to add guilt or anything!)
It has occurred to me that part of the problem is that I am still somewhat hung up on denial. It is not so much thinking that I am unique in what I experienced (reading what has been posted on this discussion board cured me of any of that) but doubting that 1) my feelings and difficulties actually stem from CSA, despite my memories and 2) that any experiences I had were serious enough to be taken seriously.
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Brett - you were very young, as was I, and I am beginning to think that the age we were when this happened makes it easier to doubt our memories. And I have also had that same fear that people wouldn't believe me or think it was serious, so much so that I had convinced MYSELF that it wasn't a big deal either. Of course, this false belief has hindered my recovery for years.

Your abuse was serious. Your symptoms, whether they are directly related, are related enough because they taught you at a young age how to relate to the world.

I am here for you.

-Sean
 
Taz, Sean, interesting how your comments underscore some things I read/heard yesterday.

I don't think I am alone in tending to intellectualize about what I am going through. It is easy to get into talking about what I think instead of what I feel. That not only misses the point but is also counter productive for me.

Yup, it was mostly the child part of myself trying to be heard and I wasn't listening. Consequently, we all (inside of me) were getting pretty paranoid and feeling pretty isolated.

I'm glad that passed. I'm not alone am I when I say that in the midst of those feelings it seems like they'll never end even though I know (intellectually) that they do pass?

Brett
 
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