*Triggers Possible* Experience of being drugged
redhouse
Registrant
No idea if anyone went through something similar.
I believe I started getting drugged when the abuse started, which was at about age 3. Tho I have no idea, because I don't remember things from that period in that much detail. I just have some memory fragments that could indicate that.
The only drugging incident that I remember clearly is from around age 4, maybe 5. The memories aren't fully clear in a narrative sense, but sensorially, they are very clear. My uncle gave me something to swallow in a cup.
He made me lay down and started touching my body and undressing me. I actually thought that what happened was mostly just agressive penetration, but recently I've been having flashbacks of things like that too. Touching, oral sex, etc.
While he was doing that, my body slowly started to feel really heavy. Breathing was hard. But I wasn't anxious or anything. It was like I was out of my body, just drifting. Like I was floating underwater. I remember the position I was laying, where he was, how he was making me look at him but my neck would just fall to the side. I was still able to keep myself somewhat conscious. He would tell me to not drift off.
Then, the memory cuts to me blacked out. He was sitting, and I was on top of him. One of the first memories of abuse I had was of this position. I also felt my neck going weak and my face buried under his arm. That scene never had any context, until recently, when I had more flashbacks.
I'm sure he was penetrating me really hard, but I didn't feel it. What was happening to me is that I was going in and out of consciousness. I would be partially awake, then close my eyes, and when I opened them up it was like I was in another reality.
My body was extremely weak. My neck would always fall to the side. He would grab my face or tell me to keep it standing up, looking at him, and for him to kiss me. But I'd just go back to falling and blacking out.
Internally, my thoughts were very confusing. It was like I was watching everything from very far away. Like time was moving very slowly. As if I was looking at a dream and narrating it. I was calm and detached. I felt like I was transported to different dimension. The best way I can describe it is as if I was looking at life as a calm, confused spectator, and everything was permeated by a thick layer of water.
I also had no idea what was going on. It was like all that lasted an eternity and a few seconds at the same time. My thoughts were nearly hypnagogic.
I saw my little cousin, who was also abused with me, drinking the same thing my uncle gave me. Mu uncle then told me to wait a little bit. He made him lay down and started doing the same things he did to me. First oral sex, then anal. I was forced to record. My cousin was completely out of it at some point. He wasn't asleep, but his eyes looked empty. His breathing seemed shallow.
I wonder what that drug was, as well as what it might've caused in my brain.
I believe I started getting drugged when the abuse started, which was at about age 3. Tho I have no idea, because I don't remember things from that period in that much detail. I just have some memory fragments that could indicate that.
The only drugging incident that I remember clearly is from around age 4, maybe 5. The memories aren't fully clear in a narrative sense, but sensorially, they are very clear. My uncle gave me something to swallow in a cup.
He made me lay down and started touching my body and undressing me. I actually thought that what happened was mostly just agressive penetration, but recently I've been having flashbacks of things like that too. Touching, oral sex, etc.
While he was doing that, my body slowly started to feel really heavy. Breathing was hard. But I wasn't anxious or anything. It was like I was out of my body, just drifting. Like I was floating underwater. I remember the position I was laying, where he was, how he was making me look at him but my neck would just fall to the side. I was still able to keep myself somewhat conscious. He would tell me to not drift off.
Then, the memory cuts to me blacked out. He was sitting, and I was on top of him. One of the first memories of abuse I had was of this position. I also felt my neck going weak and my face buried under his arm. That scene never had any context, until recently, when I had more flashbacks.
I'm sure he was penetrating me really hard, but I didn't feel it. What was happening to me is that I was going in and out of consciousness. I would be partially awake, then close my eyes, and when I opened them up it was like I was in another reality.
My body was extremely weak. My neck would always fall to the side. He would grab my face or tell me to keep it standing up, looking at him, and for him to kiss me. But I'd just go back to falling and blacking out.
Internally, my thoughts were very confusing. It was like I was watching everything from very far away. Like time was moving very slowly. As if I was looking at a dream and narrating it. I was calm and detached. I felt like I was transported to different dimension. The best way I can describe it is as if I was looking at life as a calm, confused spectator, and everything was permeated by a thick layer of water.
I also had no idea what was going on. It was like all that lasted an eternity and a few seconds at the same time. My thoughts were nearly hypnagogic.
I saw my little cousin, who was also abused with me, drinking the same thing my uncle gave me. Mu uncle then told me to wait a little bit. He made him lay down and started doing the same things he did to me. First oral sex, then anal. I was forced to record. My cousin was completely out of it at some point. He wasn't asleep, but his eyes looked empty. His breathing seemed shallow.
I wonder what that drug was, as well as what it might've caused in my brain.
i hear you my friend
