Expecting Abuse

[reality2k4]

I have to post things as I remember from my child mind, hence I delete some posts as they make not so much sense.

When abuse happened to me, it changed me from a funny, sunny kid, to well, a funny, sunny kid.

I wore the mask, and how hard was that!

It is not so difficult for me to be in my child mind after abuse, but certain things are not available to my memory, in other words, loads of pieces are missing.

I remember feeling that I just wanted to be the boy before he was abused.

He clung on to the little boy, he still has his memories of all the torment he suffered through abuse.

It has affected him all of his life, but he still fights on, even when he is hurt, but does he know really when he is hurt, answer, NO.

I remember when about 13 or 14yo, just flirting where I lived and often to middle aged males, hoping they would just take him.

There is a serious aspect to this.

I was raped at 10yo, found that no girlfriend wanted to know me, why? I wondered.

The answer was, I was defiled by a man.

I was just a hot blooded teen looking for anyone to have sex with, and I guess it brought me into the danger zone.

I had not been able to form healthy boundaries as a child which caused me so many problems in life.

I found girls who just wanted sex, when I wanted a real relationship.

After being sexualised so young, I guess it caused me so many added problems, yes it did.

I just wanted a girl to love me, and have my children, but I guess I had so many safety issues.

I guess also that I thought of sex as a weapon, not for me to use, but something that was used against me.

This topic was thought up, as I read the F&F forums where guys think sex is a weapon, only because it it psychologically implanted by abusers.

To any F&F member reading this.

It is only what I think, but sex used as a weapon on a boy, otherwise known as abuse, can either turn the boy into an abuser, or one who is afraid of hurting, and I guess I fall into the latter.

I just feel like my paternal rites were abused along with CSA,

ste

 

[The Seeker]

ste,

I think you are right on. I think kids are trying to find their place in the world all the time, and abuse teaches us that our place is to be abused. So, we expect abuse, and we lose any bit of good boundaries we had before the abuse, assuming we had any. I felt like I had a target on me or a sign on my forehead that said, "Willing to be abused for the illusion of love, kindness, or a sense of belonging." Perps and evil people are just waiting for us to come along with that sign telling them, I am available for abuse. This is very sad as it renders us defenseless, and to an uninformed outside observer it looks like consent when we are in no position (frame of mind) to consent to anything at all as we have no basis for making a rational decision about what is good for us, proper, or healthy. Thank God this can be healed in time, but during those moments life is pure hell. We can change that though.

Thanks for the thread, it moved me.

John

 

[roadrunner]

Ste,

I just feel like my paternal rites were abused

You are so right! For an abused kid sex isn't something healthy and natural and good, it is tangled up in all his feelings of shame, guilt and confusion, and when he grows up, what then? Fear of hurting as you say, yes, but even worse, perhaps, fear of what can happen in an adult world and powerlessness to confront it successfully.

Much love,
Larry

 

[Morning Star]

I can so relate to this one, being a ravenous teenager my self, looking for love in sex, from men, while just the though of sex with women felt dirty!
Though men scared me, yet I knew they were the only ones who could love me, it didnt matter that sex had become my language of love, I had grown to accept it, that is how love is meant to be, sex!
Women on the other hand were weird they comforted, fulfilled me emotionally, and with food yet controlled me all together, like my mother. I confused love and sex with them as well, rather unwittingly, especially grown up women, I could never figure out why as that memory lay hidden deep in my psyche. It was until figured out my abusive behaviour, especially self abuse or acting out that this thing with women came up, and that was a bummer.

So now no wonder I was scared of abuse by all . and all along I was scared of opening up to anyone, scared that they would hurt me, and sure enough I found these kind of people who made me aware of this deep rooted fear of mine.

So I found love in sex, with people who just wanted to that - sex, but that kind of love not really love, just a pretension of it.

I didnt know then but now I know, they were just attract by the writing on forehead, or the subconscious signals we were giving out of our vulnerability. Till I learnt to differentiate between the two and draw my boundaries. On the hind sight it has empowered me, as now that for love to be real it has to have respect as its essential ingredient.

YES! I used sex as weapon to have love in my life, I gave them control over my body to have some semblance of love in my life, but it meant giving away my dignity.

NO wonder I started hating myself within, and had no clue where is my perfectionist behavior coming from. My need to please at the cost of hurting myself, and allowing them control over my life and its choices. That was made clear to me who actually came and hurt me later, abusing my love and innocence.

And when I see it today, I wonder I must have been in so much pain, when a part of me was so much in control of me that I went absolutely out of control. The part that was abused.
But today now that part has healed, memories have subsided and washed away by brushes of love I have had with the Divine. From where I have received that is not just unconditional but also full of joy and respect. No amount of human love can replace that kind of love. It had made Love pure, sacred and divine once again, and as my connection with the divine is getting deeper, I am finding myself getting deeper into love, and am able to love without a reason, just out of love.

Thank you God.