Exisiting in the abyss

Exisiting in the abyss
S

Splitting

Registrant
I am new here and I am praying for guidance.

I have just read, "It says, I have to be bad" post. I hope to be able to feel like that. The passion is so admirable!

I hope I do not bore you with my story. My abuse started with my father fondling and urinating on me very early in life, before the age of 3. During this time my mother worked from 11pm to 7am and my father worked from 3pm to 11 pm. Not only did he have the entire night with us, there was an hour of no adult supervision during the drive-time overlap. I was three and my brothr was 1.

My uncle the joined in the abuse picking up where my father left off. He had oral and anal sex with me. He would grind his groin into mind. He would ask me if I had enough to drink. Crap like that.

He lived at my grandmother's house and my mother use to beat me and my brother because we did not want to go to that house. Never once asking why we did not want to go.

That ended around age 8. Then at age 11 I was working one summer for a family friend. I became his whore. I remember laying next to him in his bed. My anus still aches thinking about it. thankfully it only lasted 3 months and I had the "pleasure" of my first orgasm during that time.

I am now 41. My wife and I are in recovery from an affair that I had. It ended 12 months ago and started me asking the question,"who am I and why did I behave that way?".

As I think back I cannot remember the majority of my childhood. Regretfully, more and more memories are coming back and they are not fun. The last memories were of my father urinating on me. That occurred three weeks ago.

I was just beginning to feel. Feel anything. Now I am numb. I have no emotions regarding my abusers. I can see them plain as day and it is as if it happened to a different person.

I could go on but I need to make an ill-fated attempt at sleep. Thanks for letting me share part of my story. I will not even get into my mother.
 
I am so sorry for what you went through. SA we can't remember is horrible. We've got the body memories, the gut knee-jerk reactions, the feelings, we act out everything, but few memories of the actual SA. What you are able to remember is absolutely horrible. You mention your brother. AUGH! What is it with these families? Don't you wish we had a time machine?

Connecting with those feelings and the reality of what happened to us is what makes it slowly loosen it's control of our lives today. It was a courageous thing to write down your story here. You're now among a bunch of men who truly understand. I wish you peace.
 
Splitting - sometimes I am lost for words when I read what these perverts do.

What I would like to say to you (and everyone here will say the same)is that you were never ever at fault - you need to fully believe that.

Sleep well - best wishes ...Rik
 
JUst remember that the abyss is really not an abyss. It's not bottomless. If you hit bottom before you find a ledge and start to climb up, then you'll know that you can't go further and all you can do is go up. That's supposed to sound positive...and I think it is. Just remember, you were not at fault. Take a look at a 3 year old or an 11 year old and really think....can anyone that young really be at fault for something like this happening to them? No one deserves to go through what you went through, but remember you are among friends who care about what happens now. You may feel numb now, but as you work you'll get the feeling back. It may hurt to do so, the way a leg that has fallen asleep hurts when it's coming back..but that pain is a sign of life returning. Bless your journey! Be gentle with yourself. Don't rush.

Philip
 
Thanks Sub.

As I described it to my counselor ysterday, I feel like I am treading water in afog covered ocean in the middle of the night.

Thanks for the encouragement.
 
Splitting, sometimes I dont welcome newcomers here, it is just the way I am, adn I am deeply sorry for your memories of all this.

You should not need to be here, but I am glad you found this place.

None of this should happen to any one of us, I wish you well on your recovery,

take care,

ste
 
Hey Splitting!

Great news! You're treading water. That says a lot, my friend...as for the others....the time of day and weather will change...and the ocean is full of life.

hang in there.

Philip
 
To all:

Thanks for the support. I know that none of us should be meeting under these circumstances. I read your stories and just, just, I do not have a word for the emoitions as of yet.

I see a small child being potentially mistreated and I want to kill the B#st$rd that is hurting the child. Even if it is just the usage of shaming language.My therapist tells me that this is my way of protecting my own hidden inner child. I guess he is right.

Here a great story. My dad died 10 years ago. I finally told my mother about by abuse 5 weeks ago. You would hve thought she was reading the newspaper. All she would say is that I did not tell her. She never asked why she had to beat me to go to my uncles's house, but she is completely innocent. I offered her a couple of books to give her an idea of what I am going through. She kept them for four weeks. Upon my next visit wth her she returned them...unread. Once she found out what the subject was she did not have aneed to read them.

Will I burn in hell for divorcingmy mother?

Have a great day everyone!

Danny
 
When I read about what your father did to you I let out a sound of shock. I am so sorry about this! How you were so debased. That is awful. And it makes me angry that a father would debase his son so!
 
dear Splitting,

No, hell is not the place you will go for divorcing your mother! Don't worrry about anything on that score. People react to guilt differently. Some people when they feel guilty (like you mother, and it sounds like guilt she is feeling), quickly turn their guilt into self-justification and blaming others. Adam in the garden of eden said "that woman you gave me..she gave me the fruit to eat." And Eve said, "that snake there...he tricked me." It's an old trick you see! It doesn't work, in the end, though. Perhaps the best way to look at "divorcing" your mother would be as a means of honoring her...by that I mean, she won't be tempted to treat you badly, and so she won't be sinning in that way. It may also give her some room to really think about things and come to face her own role. Give her time as well. You took years to live with this and face it. She may need a little time to adjust to the idea. That's just my own guesses and input. Take them if they help, and by all means if they are off base, chuck them out and use what works here for you.

Philip
 
Wow can I relate to your telling your mother.
You would hve thought she was reading the newspaper.... I offered her a couple of books to give her an idea of what I am going through. She kept them for four weeks. Upon my next visit wth her she returned them...unread. Once she found out what the subject was she did not have a need to read them.
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I talked to my mom last week--not the first time I brought up the SA, but she pretends like none of it exists, and when I'm going through an especially hard time, I feel like she should at least care that I'm having a hard time, you know? I mean, if my leg was falling off, would she ask if my leg was OK? Well, I told her it had been an especially hard month, that I'd been in a lot of pain, and that I'd identified one of the things holding me back in life as the voice of my perp. Long pause. I said it makes me feel better to know that people care, people showing me their feelings and that they feel my pain. Long pause. I said, "No rush." Giggle and long pause. Then she said, "I have a dentist appointment on the 13th." I said, Oooookaaaay. And the conversation pretty much bombed from there. I called her back later and told her about this web site and the area dedicated to families. Silence.

Will I burn in hell for divorcing my mother?
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How many times have I asked myself a questions like that? I get so sick of having to be the "good son". I'd just love to tell them that I never want to see or hear from them again. But my therapist says to take my time--don't rush into it. Which is probably good advice, because the only thing more difficult that slamming the door on our parents is trying to pry it open again when mom has cancer or dad dies or something. I'm not worried about hell when it comes to my decision to cut off the people who destroyed my life. I just know the day will come when I'll be cleaning up their piece of junk trailer for them, because they can't. So the "good son" I'll probably remain. But at least I've told her how I feel about her shallow conversation and lack of concern for the trauma I suffered.

I know I'll never get the support I crave from my family. That's why this site and having other supports is so important. People who will listen and care.
 
I have been so lonely this week. The only person in this world that I really believe to guinely care for me is my 5-yr old daughter. I am gladto be able to talk with you guys.

Mt therapist takes a slightly different route. He said that we have no obligation to associate with anyone that isstill abusing us. Does this mean that we can just write them off, well my disassociation takes care of this; I do not think so. It does mean that I can still respect them andnot place myself in a position where tey can continue injurying me. This was a huge step for me to realize.

I am tryingto use this with my wife. This is the 1 yr anniversary of me disclosing the details of my affair. Obviouosly she is in a tremendous amount of pain, but she is now trying to control me with her anger, second guess, shaming, yelling, and I am not going to take it. That is her crap and it is going to stay there.

Now if I can just stick to those boundaries for more that 6 hours I will be ok.
 
Splitting,

Your story made me real sad for you and your brother. How horrible it must have been and I feel the sadness along with you.

Welcome to the site. I have only been here for about a month or so. I have felt a welcome mat on this site everytime I log on. The guys are great and are so supportive for each other.
 
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