Exhaustion Dreams Voices

[KMCINVA]

I cannot sleep. I keep waking to me falling from a building, a ledge, a cliff, a bridge and I wake in a panic before hitting the ground, the water, I hear a voice telling me jump and all the pain will be gone. I hear the voices or is it my thoughts during the day---I cannot tell if I am hearing or thinking--being go for it, you won't hurt anymore, no one can hurt you once it is over.

During the day I try to take my mind go to a good place by writing or reading but at night like now I write, I gaze and am afraid to close my eyes for I am afraid to see myself falling or other more severe ways to go.

I know exhaustion is taking its toll. It is is two edge sword, I need sleep but fear the dreams and audio. I know what is driving the thoughts but facing the unraveling has been harder than I thought,because as I fall I see faces laughing and taunting me and I fall faster trying to escape them.

I am so tired. Has anyone been here? I work not to dissociate, maybe then I would sleep but I do not want to go there because the unknown is scary. Sometimes I think the fugue may be a better place to be, living in the past and not knowing me.

I am sorry for the dump but my mind has been racing for an hour and and now it is 2 am.

 

[SmartShadow]

Hey Kevin,

It sounds like a very rough cycle to be stuck in. I hope you find some good rest soon.

I have DID as well. I can relate to voice like thoughts and feelings that are forced upon me. Demanding, pushing, insulting thoughts and feelings as though they are my own. But they are not my own and they are not helpful nor or they wanted.

My T has helped me to understand that the situation lies in turning towards these thoughts and feelings.
It can be an unnerving processes so be wise and take it slow.

This is great set of work to do with the help of a trauma counselor who has a good understanding of working with DID survivors.

Basically in the turning towards a dialogue is started up in an attempt to express empathy and understanding to the part that is expressing itself.

The dialogue is not that different from what you might have with a distraught teen age child.

So let’s say you have a very upset teenager that you had to live with. He was saying theses things to you over and over wearing you down and you were loosing sleep over it how would you handle it?

What we know is that the teenager is probably in a lot of pain and is trying to get your attention and is communicating the way teenagers sometimes will when they feel powerless and stuck.

Unfortunately the teenager’s words and projections are in your head so it’s even more important that you take control over the situation.

To start with let’s look at a few observations to help you keep your footing.

1. You are in charge and he is not. That’s just the way of it.

2. He may be resentful of you and is trying to make you feel his pain and control you.
Teenagers are very clever that way.

3. He probably doesn’t know how to best to explain what he is really going through and so he is striking out at you to get your attention.

4. Refer to 1.


So a dialogue on your end might go like this.

He says, “you should jump and get it over with, just do it, it’s for the best”

You say, “it seems like you are in a lot of pain is that true?”


The idea isn’t to debate or show him how unreasonable his suggestions are,
The idea is to ask good questions of help the teenager understand that you care and want to help. Just like with a hurting and confused teenager there’s going to be acting out and testing to see if you can really be trusted and to see if you can be manipulated. Be patient strong and kind, he will come around and open up.

The beauty of this is that you are the best person to help him and reconnecting with him will set him at ease.

Do you have a T that could help you navigate this?

Stay strong and stay wise.

Best wishes,
Mike

 

[traveler]

Sorry, Kevin -

I feel for you. I don't have anything substantive to offer - just my support and good wishes for relief from this latest cycle of distressing symptoms. and no need to apologize for sharing what you are going through. that is what we are here for. keep coming back and talking about it.

-Lee

 

[KMCINVA]

Thank you Mike and Lee,

I am trying to work through it. It is strange, it is not the abuser I see but rather other people who were less than compassionate and contributed to the overall unraveling as well as faces I do not know but they seem calm and content. I have talked with a doctor and he has said I could try sleeping medication but I seem to have reactions. The only thing that knocks me out is seroquel which immobilizes me. I sleep 24 hours and wake up exhausted. It seems to curtail the dreams. I have been told processing the full extent of the abuse and treatment subsequent and years later reinforced negative thoughts and those events and words I have not processed. It is believed I have processed the abuse seeing the abuser is not the one I am running from.

With dissociation some think but no one knows for sure, the other faces are of people I may have encountered during these periods who remain buried within the mind. Not sure. I was told to focus and as with facing the abuse it will take time and eventually I will let go of the others.

It seems so different that the terrors of facing the abuse. Then I am reminded I had terrible nightmares and dreams, flashbacks and a sense of worthlessness. These feelings are there today but not resulting from the abuser. A friend who has PTSD has said the traumatic event lives until we face the event and the terror that resulted subsequent to the event that caused symptoms to arise. I gather it is a continuum that I must travel to resolve. Fortunately the past few years I have been in a loving environment and the trauma has not been further impacted and probably saved me.

Time is what I think I need.

Thank you again

Kevin

 

[Esterio]

Hi Kevin

I have night terrors with no memories I wake up cold and all my bedding is gone to the floor. I have had this happening not every night but it seemed like most for over 20 years now. I have tried many things to help including prescribed sleeping medications and many different alternative solutions, none worked for me the sleeping pills made life worse.

My Psychiatrist was trying to think of what she could give me as I have already been to hell and back on anti depressants and anti psychotic medications and I am only see her with the caveat I will not go there again. I would go back to drinking and passing out first.

So she came up with a medication for me to try that is a medication to lower blood pressure. She explain to me how it worked and I believed what she was saying it made sense. It has been being used for night terrors for about ten years with good results.

I have been on the medication for going on five weeks and I am now up to the first level of dose. I see her tomorrow and she what she thinks. My bad wake ups in the middle of the night have lessoned some they still show on my sleep timer. I have only lost my bedding I think once in the last week. The name of the medication is TEVA-Prazin I am upto the first level of 4 MG. That is a low dose I think she told me it has been used safely up to 45 MG. I am not sure that it is what is doing this for me as I have started back into therapy and my mental health team is working hard on me to break isolation and I have been going out almost everyday for something either with health care or some other activity. I am starting to make plans and feel positive for the first time in a long time.

I hope this helps give you more thoughts about it.

Esterio

 

[KMCINVA]

Esterio

Thank you. I remember the dreams, the faces, the sounds of laughter and I wake scared--I seem to wake as I am falling and about to hit the ground or water. I had night terrors, flashbacks and all when I first began to unravel and it was pointed out to me, there was much confrontation in my life, which doctors and T said contributed to the depth of the of the flashbacks, nightmares, etc along with longer periods of dissociation. Now I am facing the confrontation that caused great pain to erupt (and to be honest it was erupting as I was fighting to bury the memories of the abuse)--I had not realized I would have to face this part of the abuse because it all becomes interconnected. I saw them as distinct and separate but it is not the case. I have learned stressful life events reactivate PTSD symptoms and then these stimuli become part of the traumatic experience, no matter duration between events and with late onset PTSD. Late onset PTSD is common in survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Some believe the child suffers some symptoms of PTSD through life that are not sufficient to warrant the label of PTSD and then some stressful events occur that raises the symptoms of PTSD.

As I learn the impact of others actions and words, I better understand be kind to everyone because I may be negatively contributing to the mental well being of someone else.

Kevin

 

[SmartShadow]

Time is what I think I need.

I can very much relate.

Hoping you find your path forward very soon.

Take care,
Mike

 

[WG]

Hey Kevin, sorry you are having this to deal with. I had it, too. Through therapy it began to diminish, but it truly never "goes away". "Facing the confrontation that caused great pain", as you said, is so true. And, yes, the faces, the voices are all interconnected. I, too, used to think they were separate, but not so. Since they were all around at the time of the abuse, they were, even though the people did not know one another, they were all part of that time in my life. I go through times where the people in the dreams are faceless - just as threatening and awful, but faceless. That can cause even greater fear and terror.This faceless "being" clawing and chasing after Younger Me who is running for his life.
I get it. So sorry this is still so prominent in your life.

 

[JamesM]

D

 

[KMCINVA]

Mike, WG and James M

Thank you. I appreciate the support and advice. I do not think of the abuse I dream of what became part of the continuum of the abuse by people who became the abuser according to the doctor. Trauma events are not always defined by time but rather can be extended by behaviors, stimuli and stressful situations long after. I am not sure if this makes sense, I am trying not to close my eyes because I have been hearing voices and thinking or imagining something dreadful to me.

The only thing I think I now understand is why I dissociated into fugue, to escape the actions and words that were propelling the PTSD. How sad people do this to people. I am trying not to go there because it is not healing it is coping and running from what I need to face like JamesM said. I know I am more right side of the dissociation spectrum. I can leave, disconnect, have no memory so to escape. I am trying not to do that now. I want to face it and say goodbye to those that created the continuum as they laugh if they read this. Boy how little those that judge know of trauma or even attempt to learn, they just want the continuum to continue to hide the truth. I am sorry my mind is all over the place.

I am trying, I do not want to go but sometimes exhaustion decides our fate and facing the truth of all I did and gave and the mistakes I made only to know they believe in their perfection and ability to hurt.

 

[Ceremony]

There's so much experience in this thread. SmartShadow and others, you too Kevin, are speaking of parts, SmartShadow has DID, and my intent is to understand there's a difference working with parts, than distinct personalities of DID. I have read, I think WG who mentioned integration. That's something I have seen with my work on parts, and there's a lot of them for me. My input is to convey a certain consistency among cptsd where these are common. Is this too obvious, so I seem simplistic? I'm sorry, I often work out things by writing it in real time.

Kevin, considering 2016 and telling your story, which hurt you so badly, and this seems the time of year to affect you, I see your subconscious has brought the part of you that suffered from your family, and combining that with reliving you main trauma, the double trauma would confuse anyone's parts. What I mean, if that's not intelligible, is, knowing your family, then the visiting you did in early 2017, and those memories that flooded back to give your talk, voices dreams seem... very possible.

I've felt a bond to your family story, like a few others here, we have some intense issues, that family abuse gives. Those scars sometimes rise up in different ways. It's hurt me a lot. I take a lot of meds that make me sleepy, so I don't dream. I also am a light sleeper, and even with the meds, I wake up almost every hour. It's an unhealthy sleep. This makes me think that if you're able to get sleep for some length, which I just can't experience at present, but can imagine dreams and voices. I once woke up punching. My wife was very startled and wondered if I was sleep walking. I could only remember the feeling, It was terror and I wanted to hit at it, for whatever reason?

I'm not sure showing I can relate to you helps, or that any of this convinces you or anyone else that I'm relating to you? I just know that voices are a thing I understand, not just intuitively, but there are voices which make sense to be hearing. Now, that's a sentence I'm at a loss to explain.

I'm not helping so I'll just say, I care a lot about you, and I think about the posts you write often. I could barely manage reading this last night not long after you posted it. I wake so often, and in my stupor, I just read somethings posted. When I read this, I felt for you.

I agree meds might help.

 

[KMCINVA]

Ceremony

I know sleep is very important. I went through this as I worked to resolve the conflict of the initial abuse. Sadly, I did not realize the traumatic event expands when stressful stimuli is introduced which are reminders of the abuse from the sprinkling of holy water, to feel trapped in the church cellar. It is only I that can move past. I will not allow myself to be in stressful situations that are reminiscent of the abuse. Unfortunately, there are times when something unexpected and not intended to trigger the past does occur. Recently the witnessing of spitting by someone onto the street just hit me in a way that brought the abuse back. I was able to regroup and thankful someone was there to help distract my emotions from flaring.

I look to myself to heal. I cannot look to others who compounded the abuse because it keeps a connection that should not be--a connection to the abuse. When I say I look to myself, I must face the truth and destruction done and how it impacted me. It is a simple statement to write, to say but to put into practice is far more difficult. As I overcame the abuser, which was a difficult and painful process, I will strive to overcome the extension of the traumatic event from stressful stimuli years later. I know this lack of sleep, the dreams are some type of message to help me release it and accept it for what it was and something that should not control me, alienate me from me.

I have no ill feelings or revenge or need to hear them admit what was done was wrong, but rather for me to accept it happened. These words and actions are not mine but theirs and they can only accept the truth if they open their minds. Some have been unwilling to accept the words of the doctor who treated me for neurocardiogenic syncop and the interconnection with the CSA or the medical reports that have diagnoses of PTSD and dissociation. It is like recent political rhetoric of "alternative facts" or "truth isn't truth".

I am good at knowing what needs to be done but the application is the challenge. I have worked hard not to have dissociative fugues which disconnect me from me and steals time and memory. I understand why and the multiple causes that help to keep me in the present. I sometimes wish it was not fugue and memory loss so I could feel my emotions and actions, more of a fog. I was not resolving the trauma but rather running from the trauma, and some say I was fleeing current trauma that was rooted in the abuse. Whichever it was, it needed to stop. I have recently had short periods, not days as in the past, in a fugue or periods of no memories. I have been told the trauma resolution has evolved and hopefully this is the last piece where I lose myself, my motivation and desires to live.

The subconscious seems to have a way of telling us about ourselves and the issues we need to face. The voices I hear are the words I heard during the periods which extended the trauma and not the words of the abuser or the abuse itself. I am told this is a good sign that I have progressed to another phase of resolution. I pray this is the last of the phases and I will never allow myself to be in a situation (s) that can extend the trauma. I have been told symptoms can reactive under stressful stimuli. It makes me realize how naive most are of their actions to others and the damage the can cause, and I am no different until now.

Thanksgiving is here and I will be with several friends. Sadly this weekend they leave for their next adventure with a new overseas assignment. Once again I am left with few behind but I am excited and happy for them. It is the life they love to live. My friend will not be here but Christmas she will be. Accepting change is part of life. I have been told healing is accepting changes on multiple fronts--changing how I think, changing who I allow in my life so I can heal, changing my perception of myself, changing how I see others and changing to accept we are all flawed, imperfect and not to judge others.

I understand where you are coming from because I have lived much of it. I will keep going but exhaustion is a terrible thing. I ramble, I stare, I block out conversation, I block out life when exhausted--saving my energy to survive. I like to believe it will pass and resolution is around the corner. I have learned it never is like lightning striking but rather a slow ember that begins to ignite what is around it, wet combustible that slowly dry out. The blaze eventually comes when we totally unravel. Through healing the ember related to this part of the trauma begins to moderate until it is nearly extinguished but never truly extinguished. In this state we can live, find happiness. I remain vigilant not to reignite those embers in this state. I now need to face the last of embers that are blazing. I pray this is the last ember I need to face from this traumatic experience that occurred years ago and was extended by life and the world I lived in.

Thank you for your words, support and kindness. I am sorry this is a long ramble and may not make sense.

Kevin

 

[Ceremony]

All of it makes sense (((Kevin))), you're seeing and that's good. My therapist has said I'm finally noticing my bodies reaction to the triggers, and that my mind is finally tuning into them. That's when I can try to do something about it. You're right it takes time. There are so many triggers.

Best wishes my friend.

Rick