excerpt from my journal: possible trigger

[theo]

What will happen when I experience what I have to experience to integrate the fragmented part of my identity? Who will I become when I go through this? Looking back on my fears in the context of this recent insight into what I am really afraid of I see now that I was not afraid of losing my identity or my mind, I was afraid of facing this having to relive the horrors without the benefit of the defenses I built throughout my life. In the context of what I have learned tonight, what do I really have to face? I know it is not necessary to face every detail of all the abuse to move into the healing and integration. I will have to face the emotions of the hell that I have remembered at least. What would that mean as far as my feelings for those that have harmed me?
My t suggested I do grief work on the image of the mother I thought I had growing up. What would reliving the hell of the incest do to my already tattered sense of the paternal role? Would I truly end up hating her for the rest of my life? As it is, I am keeping my distance for my safety, but after reliving the actual horror of it, how can I ever face a reconciliation? I know it is not really necessary, but how can I have any aspect of the memory of the mother I want to remember when all I would have would be this woman who tried to kill a three year old boy and thereafter molested him? Would it mean that I will never have a mother again?
I am not that concerned about the results of the nonexistent relationship I would hereafter have with her former husband because there is no bond that I have carried about this piece of shit, except for the anger and rage. In the end, facing the emotions of the abuse would put closed to what I wanted to try to salvage from the hell I have remembered. It is not so much that I could never see any of my kin again, it is that the history I wanted to cherish really would be finally and irrevocably buried. How can I cherish the memory of a mother that never really existed except for the image a little fragmented boy tried so hard to keep up no matter the evil that was done? How can I cherish the memories of a family that this broken little boy wanted to have but never existed? What can I salvage from his childhood that he can continue to cherish that would be real, that would be truth? What is there to cherish but his very survival, though never the family he wanted?


the above was written on the 25th of january in the early hours of the morning.

 

[Mike Church]

Theo I dont think that I have any definitive answer for you. All I can do is relate to my own experiences.

I was abused physically by male relatives including my father from and early age. My mother never stepped in to protect me. I spent my early youth in a constant rnning away mode. I grew to hate them both for not being the kind of parents I wanted and for ultimatley being responsible for sending me away to military college where the sexual abuse occured.

For as long as I can remember I have felt this way. I am now 63 and when my mother died in 2000 there was no reconciliation but I did manager to get close to my father before he died in late 2000. I forgave him for what he did to me and caused to happen by his actions. I did it not for him but for me. I did not want him to die without knowing that I loved him. I am part of him.

I too longed for the type of parents that others had and fantasized that things had been great when in fact they were not. I recogized by about 36 that it was shitty and that was a fact.

At 40 I became the father of a beautiful daughter and I have to tell you that I enjoyed childhood through her eyes and that was wonderful. I also made sure that she never had to face what I did in the home. So I broke the cycle.

Theo we were deprived of the parents that every small child should have. Protectors and role models. That is a fact. It is ok to be resentful and even mad and hateful but we cannot change the past. It was Better for me to know the facts, accept them and make sure that history did not repeat itself.

Like You I was able to find a truly wonderful woman who saw in me what I never did. I may not have had the parents I should have but I have a wife and daughter that I would not trade for anything on this earth or elsewhere.

Theo we can mourn our past but the future is where we are going to spend the rest of our lives.

I do not know if this helps you or in fact makes any sense.

 

[theo]

mike,
it makes a great deal of sense, my friend. i often speak of the horizon, it is an image with deep spiritual meaning for me. i keep looking at it and longing for it. the future is where we will spend the rest of our lives, but in the here and now the pain is great. i wish that there is something i will be able to cherish out of my childhood, something i can hold on to and rest easy knowing that somehow it is real and it is truth. right now though the past is too dark and i cannot see what could be worthy of cherishing and the battle i have to face...it is terrifying. not only did i lose everything i thought i had, i also have to relive it to reach that horizon with any sense of peace.

 

[Bill_1965]

Theo,

You have some deep meaningful thoughts there.

Who will I become when I go through this?

Yourself, your own being; free from the influences of past wrongs done to you.

As far as I see it, you didn't have a mother. There was just that woman that gave birth to you. Other than that, she doesn't fit my definitation of a mother, and certainly didn't do any mothering.

What is there to cherish but his very survival, though never the family he wanted?

Survival it self. The fact that through the adversity, you survived. That you have the strength to take what comes your way. That you are strong.

Bill

 

[crisispoint]

Theo,

You've already become a man of deep compassion and heart. The rest, as they say, is polishing the gemstone.

Thanks for being there for me. I wish I had answers for you. Just know I understand and I'm thinking about you.

Love you, brother, Theo. no strings.

Scot