Everything that's happened to me so far - trigger warning

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Trigger warning for incest, rape, pedophilia, emotional abuse, child on child sexual abuse, child sexual abuse.
In advance, this is going to be a lot probably.

When I was a kid, I was raped by my dad. I don't remember it happening, but I know it did. I get body memory flashbacks where I can feel myself being raped. I know I was raped by him at least twice because I've been able to discern at least two separate flashbacks. Usually the flashback ends when I can feel him cum inside me, but sometimes I will feel him cum inside me and he'll keep fucking me until he cums again. When I have flashbacks sometimes I can't talk, sometimes my legs go numb, sometimes I can't move at all. My dad didn't rape me after I was 10 or 11, but he kept sexually abusing me. Getting me to kiss him when I didn't want to, letting me see him naked in the bathtub or walking around the house. I know he knew it was wrong because sometimes he would cover his genitals, but sometimes he wouldn't.

When I was somewhere between 8 and 10, my best friend who was 2 years older than me did some stuff to me. It was her birthday, she and I and this other girl were going to change into our swimming clothes. She said it was normal for friends to undress in front of each other, that I could do it and it would be fine. I didn't want to do it and I said so, but she and the other girl pressured me into it. I undressed in front of them and they looked at me naked. They made me watch as they undressed in front of me, but I stared at the wall. I didn't want to look at them. She and I were friends after it happened. She always was talking about how she wanted to kiss me, how cute I was, how out of all our friends I was the one she would date if she could. I don't remember if anything else happened with us, but I stayed over at her house a lot and slept in her room with her, and something worse could have happened.

When I was 13 I was in a class with an 18 year old who sexually harassed and I think stalked me. He would whisper in my ear that he loved me, tell me basically that he wanted to cum in me, that he wanted to have a family with me. I told him no, that I was only thirteen, and he said that it didn't matter. He was a pedophile and he liked how young I was. At one point, he got me alone and tried to talk me into it. I don't remember how he got me alone since we only saw each other in school. He talked to his friends about me like we were going to be together.

When I was 14 I was groomed by a 22 year old woman online. She said we had a platonic relationship, but she called me her partner and talked about wanting to kiss me and wanting to sleep in the same bed as me. She posted almost nude photos of herself on her social media and I saw them, I think I was supposed to. I ended up reading some sexual stuff to her over Skype and she didn't stop me. She eventually got tired of me after six or seven months. She manipulated me and acted like I was her only friend. She tried to control everything about me.

When I was 15 I had a friend who was a year younger than me and he called me his boyfriend even though we weren't dating. We knew each other online. He emotionally and sexually abused me. He would get me to perform sexual favors for him, talk about doing things to him in private messages or text messages so his parents wouldn't see. He said it wasn't sexual and I trusted him, but I shouldn't have because it was sexual. As 'thanks' for me doing those things for him, he would do the same things for me even though I didn't really want to. I never felt like I could say no, even when I was highly uncomfortable. Sometimes when I was doing stuff for him I had to quit because it made me so uncomfortable and he made me feel bad about myself. When he did stuff to me and he wanted to stop he made me feel bad for him wanting to stop, like I was making him do something or I was making him feel bad about him needing to stop. Sometimes he would get me to perform these sexual favors for him while he was on a skype call with other people. I wouldn't be talking, but I would be listening, he would want me to. I could hear him moaning and whining because of what I was doing, and he encouraged it. He wanted it to be exhibitionist voyeur type stuff. He started actually dating someone, but still did this stuff with me. I started dating someone and he got really upset with me, said I was betraying him because I was his boyfriend and I wasn't allowed to date anyone else. He cut off all contact with me and started telling his friends I abused him.

The partner I just mentioned raped me. We dated for a year and four months, we broke up two weeks ago because he wasn't interested in guys anymore. I realized when we broke up that last summer he had raped me. I had consented but it wasn't and enthusiastic consent and I didn't want to consent. I let him order me around, but I wanted it to stop. He wants to be friends, but I told him I needed space and blocked him on every social media because I just can't deal with talking to him. He doesn't know that he raped me.

I hurt myself a lot with sex while dating my partner, he knew what I was doing so I wasn't cheating on him. I would find strangers online and let them be very sexually violent to me and let them get off to the idea of basically or actually raping me. I would let them order me around even though they were hundreds of miles away, I would sexually hurt myself or tie myself up because I was just letting these people use me to get off. If I was being honest with myself, even though there was no physical contact with these men, I would consider all of these online encounters to be rape because I did not consent but I was ordered to do sexual things. But if I did that, it would mean I was raped at least a hundred times. I didn't count how many times it happened, I did it to relive the trauma of being raped, to try to get used to it. I did it for over six months. I don't know if I can deal with being raped over a hundred times. I already feel like such a slut and a whore. I don't want to be a guy who was raped a hundred times.

Yeah, sorry this was long. A lot of stuff has happened to me. Recently I decided to report what happened with my dad and I'm in the process of doing that. Thanks for reading this if you did, sorry if it's confusing.
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