Everything makes sense now....

[lovinghim2005]

All I can say is wow...

After my fiancee (we'll call him X) told me about his sexual/physical abuse last night, I was a wreck. I couldn't stop crying at work today, so I took a half day of vacation and came home and read up on sexual and physical abuse. It is scary how everything is starting to make sense...

X has the mood swings discussed in some previous posts. Sometimes he is very withdrawn (I am always asking him what is wrong and if he's mad at me), other times he is playful and child-like, begging for affection. Then other times he is strong and independent. I noticed that he gets mad at me if he perceives that I am "telling him what to do" (control issues).

He is not very close to his family...in fact, if it weren't for me, he probably wouldn't see his mother half as much as he does. This worries me because he didn't tell me who his abuser was. It could very well have been his mother, but I really doubt that. My guess would be his father. He was an alcoholic and X has said to me in the past in talking about his dad that "there are things he did that I can never forgive him for." Dang...sounds like I may be on to something here. The weird thing is X has talked about getting a tattoo and even mentioned maybe getting his father's initials. Based on what he said about not being able to forgive him, I said that I didn't think that was a good idea if it was going to bring back painful memories. Does this make sense to any of you survivors--if his Dad was the abuser, why would he want his initials tattooed on his arm? Maybe some sort of symbol that he survived the abuse?

I've also confronted him numerous times about pornography and "cyber sex." He has admitted that sometimes he goes through spurts where he is constantly looking at porn, but didn't admit that he was having cyber sex. When I told him I went to the website that I found in the computer history and it proved that he was having cyber sex, he didn't say a word. I told him that I was worried that he had a problem with pornography because he looked at it so much. He tried to defend himself, saying that he was just a "sexual person", but then he told me about the sexual and physical abuse...reading the previous posts, I can see how this is also another sign of abuse (obsession with pornography). The thing that baffles me about all of this is we never had a problem with sex--nothing ever seemed odd to me in that respect.

Anyway, I just want to thank the board for being here. I have found a lot of comfort in reading previous posts and the information on here. I realize that I have to be strong and not let him know how upset I am--otherwise, he may never open up to me again for fear of upsetting me. I know what I am going to do now. I bought him a card today at Hallmark that is simple and says "I love you." I think I will write in there something to the effect of "I am here for you and am glad that you trust me enough to confide your feelings to me. Please know that I will never betray your trust and I am here to listen whenever you are ready to talk."

Thank you all again and God bless.

 

[EGL]

Welcome to MS, although I know it's a place no one wish needed to exist.

Just so you know, I'm a male survivor so am speaking from that vantage point. Something that struck me in your post is this:

The thing that baffles me about all of this is we never had a problem with sex--nothing ever seemed odd to me in that respect.

That doesn't surprise me in the least. I'm 44, was abused at 12, and kept it hidden from everyone until last year. My wife of 16 years didn't have a clue that I had been abused when I told her. As to the current sexual aspect of your relationship, after the abuse was over I felt like I had something to prove, which was that I was a male who could function with females. I was damn sure not going to let anyone think otherwise, particularly since my abuser (older brother) told me he would tell my friends I was gay if I didn't do what he wanted. When you're 12, you can imagine how that weighs on your mind.

So I think it is quite common for abuse survivors to not exhibit any "symptoms" when it comes to sexuality, although I know some do. It's just that for many of us, we try extra hard to show we are fully functional in that area since the abuse sets up tremendous doubts in our own minds about it.

Again, so sorry you had to come find this place, but I can tell you love your fiance very much. All the best to the both of you, and let us know how we can help.

 

[lovinghim2005]

Thanks, your post means a lot to me.

If you don't mind my asking...did your sex life change after you told your wife about your abuse? With our wedding coming up in a month, I'm a little worried about the honeymoon and how that will work out...

 

[EGL]

I told my wife 14 months ago. There were periods when I was going through the major depths of therapy with it that our sexual relationship got difficult. I think a lot of it was due to depression brought on by the enormity of all that was going on in my mind. I had my final therapy session just last week, and I feel like I am finally climbing out of the hole I was in.

My wife and I are closer now than we have ever been in our 17 years of marriage, sex truly has taken on a remarkable different view for both of us. Before disclosure and therapy, I saw sex as something to satisfy me and prove my manhood, and if my wife enjoyed it then that was o.k. too. A piggish, arrogant view, I know. Emerging from all of this has put me more in tune with pleasuring my wife above myself, which only serves to give me even more pleasure. So, yes, the sex life was difficult at times, but it was more than worth the effort in order to get to a point of feeling such deep intimacy with my wife.

I now know that it was really that deep level of intimacy with my wife that I was craving all those years, more so than the sex. The abuse robbed me from experiencing that because it never allowed me to fully let down my guard before her. Now that she has seen inside my mind and knows it all, though, I have nothing left to hide.

 

[SAR]

lovinghim2005

Welcome, I'm glad that you've found us and that you've found some wisdom here.

It's true that your emotions, questions, opinions about all that he's been through may be a lot for him to handle right now if he's busy trying to sort these issues out for himself-- however, just because HE isn't the best person to help you with your feelings doesn't mean that you're not entitled to your feelings etc.

Vent on this forum all you want about your anger, sadness, fear, questions-- it's important that you take care of yourself and give yourself a chance to process.

Also, please know that you don't have to allow unacceptable behaviors into your marriage just because they are linked to the abuse. I'm not trying to be negative or scare you, but cybersex and porn can really do a number on anyone's intimate life.

My advice about your intimate life right now-- if you guys have not had problems in the past, and aren't going to be sexual with each other again until the wedding-- give yourself a break from thinking about it, and just let things happen the way they always do.

My boyfriend and I have been together for nine years and he told me about his CSA about two years ago. One of his biggest fears was that disclosure would "change everything"-- remember that YOU, just the way you are now, are the person he felt safe enough to tell-- your relationship just the way it was made him feel loved and comfortable-- so while it's good for you to learn and get support here, you don't need to reinvent yourself either.

In general I would agree with what Eddie is saying though-- our sexual relationship has suffered most during difficult moments in his own recovery, and improved overall as communication and intimacy in the relationship have improved.

SAR