Everyday Ritual (Triggers)

Everyday Ritual (Triggers)
A

Archnut

Registrant
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Ritual - Stereotyped behavior - A pattern of behavior acquired through frequent repetition.

God Im sick of feeling the way I do, the days are endless and repetitive. I keep saying to myself snap out of this, pull yourself together. You are no worse off than other men, they cope why cant you? The answer to that is I dont know.

My days start off with me waking at 03.30 and from then I doze and it is here that I start to get flashbacks which triggers me into thinking of my original abuser Chris Denning. Its almost a ritual, its every day.

I get up at about 08.30 Make my first of many, many cups of hot sweet tea and drink that as hot as possible. I then go straight to my PC and check my mail, check out the BBC News website and then check The Guardian Society/Special reports section looking for news articles with regard Child Protection. I then come here to malesurvivor looking for updates I do this about a dozen times throughout the day.

The radio is constantly on even throughout the night, its there mainly as background noise but my mind is unconsciously scanning the radio for trigger words such as paedophile, childhood sexual abuse, sex offender its constant.And when I find them I numb out for a while. Why have I got this obsession? As I said in a post recently, It feels that I get my identity only through my abuse and thats it.

It is very nigh impossible to escape all media be it broadcast or written. I would have to become a hermit, which I feel I very nearly am. I very rarely go out, I have no male friends my own age. I have no friends male or female, full stop I have acquaintances that have also been abused and I feel that they are getting slightly pissed off with me hugging our occasional group meetings, I would like to go to the pub but cant as Im a recovering alcoholic with a terrible relapse record. I need to get out..of my head every now and again and can only achieve that state of oblivion via booze. My whole life revolves around abuse issues but I look at the stories here and think I wasnt abused when I know dam well that I was. Im confused by the way I feel towards my original abuser. I dont hate him in the I want to blow your fucking brains out sense. I feel that towards the others but not for Chris Denning. I really believe that Denning cannot help himself dont ask me why. The others I would like to.? Lets just say that I hope the others all end up fearing their own shadows as I have done on occasions.

In the past and with hindsight, its clear to see that I have abused myself all through my life (alcohol, drugs, porn, sex, masturbation). I've attempted suicide on more than one occasion, Ive hung, Ive cut, Ive hit, Ive burnt myself when things do reach that point where I feel unless I do something drastic I am going to explode.

I was diagnosed as being emotionally deprived as a small child. I was starved of all those important things like encouragement, guidance, support and physical affection like cuddles but I still cant equate that as abuse. I suppose I was a very naughty dysfunctional child.

My first abuser gave me all those things thats why I went back time and time again and I liked him (that screws my head up just that thought alone). Society demands that I hate this guy.but I cant. I may well be described as vengeful towards the others. I feel that for them but I dont for Denning, this bastard actually sent my mother a wreath on the day of her funeral as did another abuser. The night my mother died I was sharing a bed with possibly Denning or one of the others as I was homeless at the time and I was doing the rounds. Prostitution in plain everyday English. I have since learnt that this is now classed as Survival Sex. This is what my days are like? And sometimes I feel like giving up completely and going and getting wrecked somewhere. The stupid thing is I know what will happen. If I do take a drink one of two things or very probably both will happen. I will get arrested for being drunk or end up passing out somewhere and coming too in casualty. I want to get very, very drunk but without the other hassles..Oh I wish.

So to do this safely I usually go away somewhere and lose myself in a large town or city. I book into a reasonably priced hotel with a forty ounce bottle of Smirnoff Blue label vodka and head for the hotel bar. I would spend most of my time drinking Guinness with large vodka and Tia Maria chasers if I feel like posing. I will then somehow get back to my room and continue drinking my already open bottle of booze and previously rolled joints. Oblivion usually follows and If Im lucky Im found If notI either come too or I dont. That scares me but It doesnt stop me taking that first drink as after that the fear evaporates and the world takes on that fuzzy edged warm feeling, false bliss.

Shit Im in a mess.

Can someone tell me when this will end?

Please

Archnut
And all that was left was hope
 
Archnut:
See if this applies to you:

https://www.malesurvivor.org/Professionals/Articles/singer2.htm

Give it a try.
Ken
 
I've had (and still do have) similar experiences and Ken's article was one of the things that really helped me start out on what has become for me the right path.
 
Archnut, that article will very likely help a lot. I also think if you could start being kinder to yourself it would help. We say things to ourselves that we would never say to another.

Some guys find it helpful to think of themselves as a kid or a teen and then realise that we would not say those things to us at that age--so why do we do it now when it clearly has not helped. We ARE that kid or teen--sometimes we talk as though that is an entirely different person, it is ourselves. No matter what we have done it is over and we do not need to continue to tell ourselves what a bad person we have been. Today really is a fresh day. That is not a cliche' . It is not helpful if we try to convince ourselves that absolutely nothing is different--because it is, it is a new 24 hours and with effort we can be the person we determine that we want to be. It is difficult, but in fact, everyone has to do that to one degree or another.

It can be difficult being kind to ourselves--we don't always trust kindness, or we feel that we are unworthy of kindness. But we need to do that for ourselves. You are a good man who has been deeply harmed. You keep wanting health and happiness. That shows a level of inner strength that I think means that in time, with the help of the right person or persons you will see a much happier life.

Bob
 
Hi Bob

Thanks for your comments. Indeed it is hard to be nice to oneself. The problem I have with that is this.

If I'm nice to myself that usually means a gadget for my pc or digital camera I then get told that I am being selfish (I can hear my parents saying that in the background). I have been called that all of my life. I wouldnt know where to begin.

But If Im truthful If I wanted to be really nice to myself I would get blitzed.

My Consultant Psychiatrist is referring me back to my old psychologist so that should prove interesting. See I cannot get away from my past. Its a fu**ing nightmare.

Its there everyday.

Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"

My story (Triggers) Interestings links
https://www.waltonhop.blogspot.com
 
I have read this through. I have no words. I am not at all sure what to say, or how to say it. I am just glad that you got some other responses from people who know more then me. I wish you luck. I wish I could say when it ends. I don't know. :(

Leosha
 
Archnut
until recently I looked on the 'sex' I had as a kid as anything but abuse. I looked upon it as "just something we did as boarding school kids"

But it wasn't, it was abuse. And even though the situation was different to yours I can see some parallels.
Like you I came from a family that although they loved me, cared for me, they never showed emotion towards me or my brother. And I was raised by criticism rather than praise, I was always being compared ( badly ) to my brother - who is 8 years older - and other people. So I learned that I was useless.
At 11yo I went to boarding school, and things got worse. The teachers ruled by a mixture of sadistic terror and shouted criticism, there was NOTHING comforting about that place.

Until....'Bill & Ben' showed some interest in me, and they were older boys who offered some protection from the rampant bullying, and in return 'introduced' me to sex, gently at first. But they soon wanted more and eventually beat and raped me to get what they wanted. But afterwards they showed me 'kindness' once again, and for the next four years I accepted that 'kindness' and did whatever they wanted. Much like your 'prostitution' or survival sex. By that time I was having sex with other members of their 'club' and a teacher who had discovered what was going on and inserted himeself as the leader of the club.

And that's how I remembered it for 31 years, I even distorted the memory of the beating / rape into something "I enjoyed"
The methods they used were actually very clever, I was groomed into asking them for sex. I suggested different positions and sex acts ( they taught me them in the first place though ) and that's what I remembered.
So as a young man I didn't even think it was abuse, I believed totally that I was a 'pervert' just like them, and I was fighting against what was meant to be. I lived the hetero' life, but underneath I believed that I was a pervert. I didn't actually believe that I was gay, as I never fancied other men - it was just the sex acts I wanted, and eventually found through meeting strange men in public toilets. I found my 'pervert level'.

Alongside all this I never felt anything other than friendship for my abusers, and at one point nearly made contact with them again about ten years ago.
Which is much like your 'relationship' with Denning.

Over the last few years though I've figured out that it wasn't 'friendship' they offered me at all. What they offered was lies in a one way deal, they lied - I gave. A part of their 'friendship' was to let their friends have sex me. Just like Denning did with you.
The night my mother died I was sharing a bed with possibly Denning or one of the others as I was homeless at the time and I was doing the rounds.
Click to expand...
Can someone remind me - which part of FRIENDSHIP does that come under ?

The hard part was how I looked at EVERYTHING as an adult. I had to try and remember every tiny detail of what happened, recall fragments of conversations and analyze ( the best I could after 30- 35 years ) exactly what took place.
It wasn't easy, or pleasant, but I eventually seperated the truth from the myth ( that I had created as my defence )and gradually came to see that it wasn't "just something we did as boarding school kids" - it was ABUSE.
I learned a new word, or at least the true meaning of it.
I remembered that when I asked "do you fancy a fuck ?" they had asked me "have you got a free period now ?" They already knew I had a free period, and they 'just happened' to pass me in the corridor.
It was a set up, a ritual they created and I accepted rather than suffer another beating and no 'show of affection'

I would bet big money that Denning used the same tricks, and the ultimate trick is getting us to remember the 'good' things that made us complient.
Think about Dennings tricks, the threats - even if it's something as small as making you believe that you wouldn't get a meal unless you did what he wanted. Think about the 'favours for a friend' he asked you to do.

It was survival sex Archnut, a one way deal.
He was no friend.

Dave
 
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