Even more abuse memories ...

[anonDK]

I'm so close to abuse itself atm. That little argument I had with this friend of mine triggered abuse memories. More memories have surfaced, I picture myself as running in the woods, hiding from all those retarded f*cking nude c*nts in that feminist nude camp I was at when I was 4 years old. I myself is naked as well. I'm freezing and I absolutely hate being there, I just want to go home. I see myself hiding in that half-finished wooden shed of a sort, I'm hiding from my female abuser and all those insanely twisted f*cking retarded c*nts that run around naked while slinging slogans about how all men are pigs (!)

I HATE IT THERE. I WANT TO GO HOME. So I gave 4-year old me a comforting hug, I gave him clothes on, in my mind, so that he would not freeze so much. I think he's a brave little kid and he did what he could to survive I'm so proud of him!

I do have some murderous/violent fantasies about what I would like to do to those women, and this evening I shared these fantasies with a trusted friend. He didn't run away screaming but just told me that he has violent fantasies too, and that it is perfectly normal to have such. That comforted me.

My anxiety level is very high, but that may be the cost to pay for being to goddamn close to the abuse I suffered when I was 4 years old, all the while still being present. I DO NOT dissociate and my entire perception of the world around me is not one giant flashback. I'm present and 4 years old at the same time. This is progress. 1-1½ year ago I could not at all separate past from present, and I would percieve all women as threats to me. They can still trigger me, yes, but mostly I see them as they are, not as abusers from my past.

 

[anonDK]

Ok, I was wrong about dissocation. It has returned big time. Lots of weird images in my head, some make sense, some don't. I feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes.

 

[Seekingwisdom]

Hi anonDK I can relate to the weird images as just yesterday eating dinner with my wife and niece in a restaurant and sitting at a table next to us was a female that resembled the female that abused me as a 10 year old boy the female was 17 at the time. As I sat there many images were flashing in my head and my heart was pumping and I started to sweat. So the weird images continued thru the day and haven’t gone away. So I can relate with your dissociation and images. Don’t beat yourself up but keeps sharing as it helps you and others

 

[rileyk86]

It's common to fear women (especially as men) when we were abused by them. I fear women most of the time. I always feel threatened by the idea of women overpowering men. I have always had issues with female bosses in the workforce. But we are justified in our fear of women. We were sexually violated in our most vulnerable state. (I was age 6 through 8). I will never be able to fully trust any woman.

 

[Strangeways]

I will never be able to fully trust any woman.

Never say never. Trauma therapy can really, really help, and so can EMDR.