Eulogy for My Molester

[Sawyer49]

CE thanks to Lino this post of yours recently resurfaced and allowed me to see it. I'm not sure why I had not seen this earlier but I believe it was written before I joined MS.

Amazing words that portrayed 2 goodbyes, one to a lost friendship and the mourning of what could have been a lifetime friendship. The second goodbye to the abuser. This eulogy is a tribute to both. I pray you have continued to heal fr this 5 years later. I to have a sister I protected on quite a few occasions.

Thank you for sharing.

Sawyer

 

[C. E.]

Thank you, @Lino and @Sawyer49, for reading this and perhaps giving others a chance to as well. Interestingly, I have not visited this never-sent letter in the 5½ years since I posted it. It is amazing to me that despite the time that has passed - and the emotional evolution that inevitably happens - I would not change a word. It speaks perfectly for me still.

The best thing for me about this site is the incredible therapy I get from writing. Losing him was far more confusing than I ever imagined. I challenged myself to write a "eulogy" I would only share with myself, unconstrained by the obligatory niceties of more public eulogies. I expected the exercise to gather my disparate thoughts into a convenient, coherent package - something I could see, understand, deal with. I thought a few short sentences would take me right to the anger I imagined I should feel, then I would end the thing with some eloquently-phrased profanities, wipe the figurative dirt of his grave off my hands, and walk away from it all. Instead, I found something deeper than anger. It was yet another journey. His death turned a corner in my life.

Then again, perhaps the best thing is not the therapy I get from writing after all - but that I have a place here where I can finally share it. With people like you who understand it. I believe in MaleSurvivor so much. There is no other place like it - virtual or real.

 

[Sawyer49]

Well said, It is very confusing and full of mixed emotions when you grow to be friends and have a love for someone who betrays you. The betrayal may not even be fully realized because of how much you cherish the relationship. I think it makes perfect sense to mourn him, because you started mourning the loss of what the friendship could have been. My prayer is that this place keeps communicating to others here those mixed emotions are valid and appropriate as is the anger and bitterness we may feel. Understand the feelings we had as boys were always pointing to hope learning to continue to point to hope in our relationships is something that helps healing.