Eternal childhood

Eternal childhood
R

reality2k4

Registrant
Like it or not, I am the eternal child, hurt in his existence, still acting like a boy.

Yes, I can act like a man, but people love my boyish things that I do, I dont.

An example is when I went into the supermarket, and went to the checkout, I pulled out a banknote which was wrapped around a coin, to stop it coming out of my pocket.

As I passed it over, the woman said to me, look at the state of that banknote, then she said, "what a boy thing to do", I responded, that is what makes women love us.

I was quite amused, as she made me laugh, but it is how I am.

The trouble is, that the boy personality, is very strong in me, maybe because he was so hurt, and he never wants to let go, like the hurt is his old friend and travelling companion.

I always thank him for getting me through, and promise to make it up to him someday.

I see kids, with expensive tracksuits, and remember that I never had any clothes, except for hand downs off my older brother, so it made me the cause of laughter at school, because nothing ever fitted me.

When I see kids so happily in abandon, it is beyond me to think of this state, but I guess, I would not trade places with any of them, knowing what I know now.

Life seemed harsh, it is harsh, but somehow we always got through.

I wish I had tackled this problem in my teens, but had no way to do it, due to having to work etc., but none of us should have had to, we should be compensated for abuse, and given the best treatment free, and free drugs.

ste
 
Ste,

Something I'm trying to do when I get the chance is let Little D come out and play every now and then.

I have some colored pencils and a sketch pad- I used to love to draw when I was a kid. I was never any good at it, though, but that doesn't matter. I'm reading favorite books I had as a kid, eating old favorite foods... doing anything I can think of that I used to enjoy as a kid, to let that part of me out, to help him understand that it's safe to be a kid, now that I'm here to protect him.

I wish I could have done something about this years ago, but I didn't realize what had happened. I know now, so now is when I have to deal.

There are my thoughts, for what they're worth.
 
Dewey,

I have got a big chest full of paint and stuff to work with, but I never get down to relaxing these days.

I have done some painting, but need to do some more, maybe in the spring, and let his creative side come out.

It is good to get the creative side going, and see what expression comes out, I live by the sea, so there is plenty of scope for me there.

take care,

ste
 
Ste,
I think there is a part of us that never grows up and remains a child, this is probably true of non abused people too. I know I just love running and jumping into piles of raked leaves in the autumn.
It gives me great delight, and I also like picking up a hockey stick and nearly having a heart attack trying to keep up with the 9 yo and 12 yo kids in the neighborhood in a game of road hockey.

I know what you mean about the kids with designer clothes etc. My kids included. Our economy and value system is very different than when I was a kid. I remember my Dad taking us for drives by the airport so we could watch the jet planes land, they were new in those days, that was entertainment for us, and as a special treat,my brother and I would get a bottle of pop and a bag of chips, this happened about once every 5 or 6 weeks and we thought it was awesomely wonderful! This is a far cry from the material world of my own kids! I don't recall that we were less happy because we didn't have MP3 players and Reebok hats. I do remember that all of us kids were more creative with our play time, lots of hide'n go seek and front yard football and building forts.
As I write this I am reminded that my childhood was very normal in many respects, the SA only being a part of it.
Peace, Andrew
 
Andrew,

I guess I am the same, playing ball with the kids takes it out on me, but they say I am still good at curling the ball through the wind, like a skill I never forgot.

There were times in my childhood that were terrific, but also some very sad times, where I did not want to be a boy, no way.

I guess it was all the trouble I caused, even though I never knew how, but I also guess it was being silent that did it for me, I thought my parents were going to send me to a home.

Yes, my dad meant it, even though, I was not so bad as a kid, but seeing what kids go through now, it is not hard to see why, when your parents see you as some kid they once knew, who they lost track of.

I probably looked like something waiting to bubble over, maybe it was like ADHD, I dunno,

ste
 
I had to work really hard to get in touch with my little boy. Fear and safety was the big issue. Dewey2k what you said applies for me. It is exactly how I have felt. It was the hardest for me to get in touch with him because he was afraid that it was not safe. One day I felt a strong urge to go and buy some toys. I realizes as a kid I always wanted some play doo and never had it. So I went to the toy store and bought that, and some bubbles, and a couple of other things I can not recall at the moment.

I was very busy but I made my self sit down and play. It was very nuturing to my little boy. It only took a few times doing that and then I had had enough and my recovery went onto the next step. So now I work very hard to be very aware of what my little boy wants. It is important I think to nuture him because of the abuse. It helped me a lot and continues to do so.

It is a great thing to be in touch with him.
 
There were times in my childhood that were terrific, but also some very sad times, where I did not want to be a boy, no way.
Click to expand...
This resonates with me. I can still remember walking home from work as a 17 yo. I was attending school and living with a family as a boarder and working about 30 - 35 hrs a week at about 95 cents per hour! I remember feeling like a complete wreck. My elbow was broken and hadn't healed properly (my mother had refused to take me to the doctor (I had inconvenienced her by having an accident), I had a bad speech impediment, problems with my lower bowel & stomach and I kept on passing out. I thought I was the ugliest kid alive and that no one would ever want me or be interested in me. To tell the truth, I was sad that no one was looking after me. Dumb for a 17 yo, but I was exhausted and depressed. I dreamed that somehow I would be all grown-up and all that was wrong with me would be cured.

I thought my parents were going to send me to a home.
Click to expand...
My parents (Mom) were always threatening to throw me out of the house. I never felt secure. Ironically, the school social worker intervened and told me to find somewhere else to live or they would put me into 'care'. So I went to live with a family whose lawn I used to cut and who had befriended me. I was very lucky to know them and they were amazingly good to me. So in the end, my Mom never got the chance to make good on her threats.

Funny thing, over Christmas she was telling stories about me to my nephew's fiancee. The stories were taking huge liberties with the truth and romanticizing so much of what happened. I felt myself getting annoyed, almost verging on anger. Then I looked at the frail little old lady sitting on the couch and just smiled. I decided that she's probably behaving and trying to be the best that she can be. Gawd help us, it really is the best that she can be. And there is nothing I can do to change her. All I can do is change the way I react to her. Peace, Andrew P.S. sorry for rambling on.
 
Andrew and Dominic, I echo your replies, I sure get the same picture when I look at my life.

It is like living in some dream that is not quite real, the boy in me just yearns to be loved, but no way he can let it happen.

I went to the supermarket, and as usual, I went down the aisle of toys and I too was staring at some doh, but it cost too much.

I just thought! What could I do with that!
Then I snapped out of it, and continued shopping.

I guess it is like a strong urge to just want to start life over as a boy again, and learn from that point in time.

What a thought! But I guess maybe it is the best way of tackling it, by going back and making things safe, because I never really can feel safe in my life.

The boy in me, felt that the world was not safe, and he does not think it is right now, with all the things that go on, and thinking he is part of the tragedy of the world.

My mind seems to always dote on the cruelty of people, and how they just take what they can get, and nobody can get in their way of taking it.

I just want the world to be a safe place to live in, where we can be friendly and caring without feeling scared.

Maybe, one day it will happen, I guess not, it was only a dream,

ste
 
Sometimes I feel myself hating the boy within me, saying things like, "why were you so weird or get that stupid fake smile off your face," but I'm starting to realize its not his fault. He responded the best way he knew how and it makes me feel so sad when I realize that I'm still being cruel to this scared and helpless little boy inside me. I've made a promise not to be mean to him anymore, but sometimes its hard to break bad habbits. The little boy inside me still has a hard time believing any of this happened. I'm trying hard to show him a goodtime now. I bought a super-high bouncy ball for a quarter today and was tempted to throw it off the top of a tall building, but I think it would have bounced straight back through a starbucks window, leaving the adult me to face a problem he doesn't need right now.
 
Kid A,

I grinned with laughter at this, :) :)

I'm trying hard to show him a goodtime now. I bought a super-high bouncy ball for a quarter today and was tempted to throw it off the top of a tall building, but I think it would have bounced straight back through a starbucks window, leaving the adult me to face a problem he doesn't need right now.
Click to expand...
I really did need to read that, it made me feel so good.

It is good that you can get the little boy to play inside and free him.

That is the best side of this site, when we start to realise how to play again,

ste
 
Kid A, Ste,

I chuckled at this idea as well. I am always getting these fiendish ideas that seem very funny but I wouldn't dare act on them! ;)

It just goes to show - we all still have the fun-loving kid inside and his spirit has not been snuffed out by what was done to him.

Much love,
Larry
 
We bought my daughter a set of those Thomas and Friends wooden railroad tracks for her birthday in May last year. They asked me to set up a track for them, but there wasn't enough track to do anything interesting. :confused:

What does Little D do? He tells Big D to get in the car, drive to the toy store, and get more track. In fact, the two of us went just a little overboard. :rolleyes: We have enough track to cover an entire sheet of plywood in a complex interconnected pattern complete with elevated portions, tunnels and buildings. And the fun part is it gets built up and torn down every time we use it because we don't have enough room to leave it set up, so we get to use our imagination to come up with a layout. :D

Big D got in trouble, but it made Little D happy, so it was worth it. :cool:


PS: I think my next purchase is going to be a big set of Legos. :D
 
Guys,

I love those art programs aimed really at kids.
I start making papier mache, and paint stuff etc., its messy, but that is part of it.

I suppose it is the little me doing these things, but it is very therapeutic.

Little ste would love to play in mud, but I guess they would lock him up, that is all he needs.

ste :p
 
OMG, I so have that devlish side to me. I had to be careful not to act on that, but it is soooooo tempting. I am smiling as I think of letting that side come out. Dewey2k you made me laugh reading your posting. It was cute.

You know my little one really wants to learn to play a musical instrument. I really would like to do that but have not taken the initiative to move forward with it. I think i need to.

Reality2k4 if you need some doh I will sent it to you free of charge. I am not using mine anymore and it would be my pleasure to send it to you.

I think part of recovery is realizing that we are safe as adults. We tend to be stuck in the childhood preception and belief patterns because of the trauma. It is such a hard thing to change but not impossible. I am slowly realizing that I can say no and I am in control and not feel bad about it. People are being to look at me funny when I do it so sometimes I just say it to say it. That is part of the devil in me. It gets easier everytime. :)
 
When I started this thread, I did not really know it would go this way, as the title suggests.

You guys have awakened my mind to realise what it really was to be a boy.

From the innocent tenderness to the devilish but still cute, who could not like him parts, but this is how we were.

I remember being infectious to adults as a child, even though he was hurting, its a boy thing that I could never put my finger on.

I remember staring in awe at a candyfloss machine, just wondering how it made candyfloss out of a teaspoon of sugar, still working on that one.

Cheeky smiles get you anywhere when you are a boy, as does looking so innocent, even when you have just put a ball through next doors window.

Thanks for the input, it really makes me think of who this little boy is, and make him happy,

ste
 
Ste,

So much in this thread is so uplifting and empowering, but I especially liked this phrase of yours:

Cheeky smiles get you anywhere when you are a boy, as does looking so innocent, even when you have just put a ball through next doors window.
Click to expand...
My son, now 21, STILL has that art. :) I got a shocker in the post one day: the Sky service that provides adult films billed me a fiver for a thing called "Big-Titted Sluts", :eek: so I went straight to my son for an explanation. It was amazing! He had a perfect excuse and absolutely denied having anything to do with the bill: "Why do you think it was ME!!!! :mad: ", something like that.

Then I thought, wait a minute:

1) He had been drinking with friends that night.

2) They all came over afterwards and were arsing about in the conservatory, where the TV lives.

3) Alternative culprits: a) my wife, b) my daughter, c) the dog.

So I suggested that so long as a fiver was on the dining room table in the morning, everything would be cool.

My son was innocent of course. There was a fiver there for me in the morning, so I guess the table was the one who booked the film.

These scenes should be considered for the Academy Awards. ;)

Much love,
Larry
 
Reading theses posts makes me wish we were all together so we could play and get into some boysish trouble.
 
Hey guys,

I have so enjoyed this thread. Awesome food for thought and fun here.

Perhaps we could all go to the 2006 conference and they would provide us this great big room where we could do all that boy stuff you've talked about, plus I'm sure between the kid in you and the kid in me we could really get up to some mischief. I'm getting excited just thinking about it.

:D :D :D

Lots of love,

John
 
John,

hmmm, dont think that would be such a good idea.

The place would be wrecked knowing some of the guys in here. :)

Not to mention me :D
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top