Escapism?

[Glen]

I have just recently started the whole therepy thing again probably about a month and half and well....
I feel numb to the point of almost being blank so to speak. I do not feel a thing? Am I getting better or am I escaping again? I needed one of my crutches the past two weeks. I felt guilty and week for needing it again though its kinda of like a way for me to kill the inner Glen. But its the numb feeling that I hate the most... Its kinda like stabbinng yourself in the hand under the table but yet smiling and talking to the person accress the table with a smile on your face. Im good Im fine. Afraid that people do not want to hear that Im not feeling better its like there I talked about it I should feel all better now even though deep down inside I m just stifling what I feel. I go to my therepist on thursday and I am unsure what to say..

 

[reality2k4]

Glen,

there are waves of numbness, I get them we all do, sometimes emotions of past things well up inside, and you need to numb out.

Speak to your T, it maybe that you need a break, from being in this place, because it is really hard to face so much of the past, when you read what others post.

Give yourself time, and space, and do what is best for you,

take care,

ste

 

[markgreyblue]

glen -
i don't know if my reply will be altogether helpful - but last night i did something too which was against all i seemed to be thinking about and deciding for myself -
i just don't know how to think about thing
sometimes - it's like when i feel one way emotionally but physically have a need it's like the difference between the two just
blows my perspective on things - cause last night
i had random 'relations'-
i won't doubt it the desire was really there - but
truthfully i was thinking this is probably not a good idea - i was fighting - i wanted it it would
and yet - there was bad feeling about it -
it was maybe a good thing to do it - but thankfully i was not totally derailed by it -

i was never really noutured by a father - or a male figure - so it is a part of my personal
ideology i have to work out - no road map here - as they say -

and so the thing that helped me in the early hours today -
was coming to grips with this -
the perspective that i came to have and was ok with and allowed to have at the end of the evening - gave some peace - what that perspective was is maybe not germaine - but i guess it is
that we need to work at things with therapists
but also - and this may sound trite - come to an
understanding that helps calm and get us through
in a healing productive way - something that gives you peace - even just a little bit
that you know you can come back to later on when things get bad again -

i see struggle in you- and i see struggle in me -
that common thing - that we all i assume struggle
gives some peace too - and that to a certain extent is to be expected at times - in life -

have a peaceful and relaxing day glen -

((())))

mgb

 

[ForeverFighting]

Your mind knows what you can handle. If you can't go there, don't. If and when you feel strong enough, the feelings will come. And when they come, they will stop again. Sometimes we get so afraid that if we cry, we'll never stop crying again. We do. Our protective barriers have been strong enough to keep the horrors at bay all these years. We can trust them to keep protecting us now.

I hope you'll be able to open the door a crack, peer in, and slam it closed again. At least to feel for a moment how much love and support you deserve. It is horrible that any of us have to be here, talking about the things done to us and how our lives have never been the same. But we can get through this together.

Writing helps me to put my feelings in a safe form. If you're up to it, write about what you're afraid of letting out and why it's so scary. Or if you need to back away, back away for a while. It was a strong thing to get back in therapy. We do this work in stages. Just because I'm in therapy today, doesn't nullify all the steps I've taken to get to this point. I'm just ready to take new steps. It's like looking at the same scene from a different angle. I knew what my uncle did to me, but I didn't realize the thoughts he'd implanted in my brain when he did it to me. We keep going back and keep going back. And as long as the numbness is protecting us, there's a reason to go back.

Be strong, brother. With all that was done to us, we deserve to feel bad some days. And we will get better. Even if I have to stay in therapy for 20 more years, I will get better. You will, too.