escaping on the computer

[fhorns]

Ladies and gentlemen,

I am scared of being on the computer too much at night here on MS, or other sites, at the expense of my wife and daughter. This may wean out over time, but I want to look at it first. I want (need??) to correspond more, but when I take time from my wife and daughter, I feel bad. I'd love to hear any stories and replies you might have. And being up past ten isn't an option.

 

[roadrunner]

fhorns,

I guess there can be too much of any good thing. Following the endless byways of the Internet is a deceptive and tempting way to escape from other tasks and responsibilities, and if your habits on the computer seem to be procrastination then you need to rethink a bit.

On the other hand it's also very easy to find excuses when we need to talk about our problems but feel uncomfortable about it.

Perhaps it would help to set a fixed time when you will look as this site or other things you want to read on the NET. There is nothing wrong with marking off a reasonable block of time as yours and yours alone, provided that it doesn't interfere with the rhythm of family life. Why not talk to your wife about this and find a time that suits the both of you?

Much love,
Larry

 

[SAR]

I think Larry's suggestion is great. Schedule your free time/family time--or barring that, why not schedule a "blackout" time where for so long every day, the computer goes off?

What makes you feel guilty about not spending your time here with your wife and daughter? Does your family also feel that you are not spending enough time with them? What are you doing when you spend time together?

I know that my partner has a habit of feeling guilty about not doing something that, honestly, isn't high on my list-- I wish he'd ask me (and believe me when I say it's not a big deal) instead of driving himself crazy over getting something done when there are other things we could do together, that I'd appreciate more.

SAR

 

[fhorns]

Really, it's a codependency issue. I've felt like I always have to be there, even when she says it's okay.

 

[roadrunner]

fhorns,

I can see what you mean. But it took some time for it to become an issue, so it will take some time to resolve it as an issue. There's nothing wrong with that.

I would say it's not so much a matter of spending time on the computer as allowing other things to be neglected. The family and personal responsibilities, of course, but also other interests. Perhaps try to develop your other interests so you have fulfilling ways of enjoying yourself other than the computer?

I think it might also help if you suggest that your wife too should ring-fence some time and claim it as hers, for whatever she wants to do. She needs a break too.

And finally, here's something I wonder if you can relate to: I remember one time when I was teaching at the University of London, I arranged a surprise day off for my wife. I had friends lined up to watch our toddler son all day, and we would go window shopping in Oxford Street, then lunch somewhere, then a play in the afternoon, then dinner, then another play, and then home to a huge bubble bath and a bottle of champagne. I really pulled out all the stops, and for no special occasion at all. She loved it and it's still a very special memory for us.

What was funny was that when we came up out of the tube station under Oxford Circus, and were standing there in the liveliest spot in the liveliest part of one of the liveliest cities of the world, we were just looking at each other and thinking, "Now what?" We laughed as we realized that since the birth of our son we had more or less "forgotten" how to relate to each other as adults just having fun together - as adults.

It was very important to get past that, and we both like to remember that wild and wonderful day and what we learned from it.

Much love,
Larry

 

[SAR]

Your daughter is still small, isn't she?

I remember having a lot of trouble with the "sleep when the baby sleeps" advice that they give to new parents. I know where you are coming from, with the feeling that it's better to deprive yourself than NOT give the people you love the best. But really, it's okay to accept that a happy, fulfilled husband and father is among the things that they need.

A lesson I've learned (almost too well) from my own kids is that, they're not born ashamed to ask to have their needs met. As long as they're not taught to feel bad about their needs, they'll continue to let you know about them. My kids were both pretty good at letting me know when they wanted to play with me, even before they could speak.

What do you and your wife do in your spare time that you can enjoy doing together? I know that it means a lot in my relationship that we've learned to enjoy and participate in each other's hobbies-- even the ones that seemed out-of-character in the beginning-- and it makes it so much easier to unwind without feeling like you're taking time away from the relationship.

SAR