Epiphany on Fear

Epiphany on Fear
F

fozzy_bear

Registrant
I woke in the middle of the night as I do from time to time, usually stuffed nose, nothing dramatic. Anyway, after being on this board only a short time, reading and posting and thinking, I have thought of things that relate to surviving that I would have never thought of before. One of my big thoughts of the night was it all comes down to fear. I was afraid of everything, what happened to me, what is going on now and what will happen later. Fear guided my thoughts and decisions. On an emotional and sexual and social level, I did not, could not grow up because I was afraid of what was out there. I always knew I had a problem with authority but didnt see the source fear. My relationship with my family, my professional life, my friends all suffered because of fear. I never saw the connections until now. It makes things so clear to me now.

I think most people no matter what happened to them have fears, but for us it is debilitating. Dare I say a handicap. We have so much of it that it consumes us takes up our every thought and drains us of other avenues and possibilities. The tunnel of fear, no exits, no lights, cold, damp and isolating. It allows us to get through a mountain or under a river so that we can go on but at what cost. Take the longer way, the harder way, the less known way there.
 
Fozzy,

I totally identify with your realization about fear. I feel like fear has driven so many of my choices. I wake up in the middle of the night in a sweat from fear.

I wish I had more insight on the less known way. As I learn and move through the recovery process, I hope to learn more about myself, the fear(s), and how to relate to them.
 
I love this posting and totally identify with the thoughts. Fear has shaped my life in a very big and unwanted way, stripping me of many positive opportunities for growth. But on the bright side, recognizing the fear, naming it, seems to lessen its strength, releasing its grip. Peace, Andrew
 
Im not positive yet, but it all seems to come back to one fear. It's not like a specific fear of something but a fear of life or fear itself. Its that core fear, I'm assuming from the act of the abuse and that goes with it, from which all other fears are born.
 
Fozzy,

I was just telling my T today that I spend most of my days waiting for the other shoe to drop, afraid that something terrible is going to happen. I was even more fearful a few weeks ago, afraid to listen to voicemail, dreading email. For me, I try to name the fear and engage it, and then it seems to dissipate just a little bit. It's been a process of chipping away bit by bit at the anxiety. As someone once told me, changing our habits is a process of practicing. It's easier some days and harder other days.

It will get better.
 
Fozzy,

I am so glad you posted that. There are so many times I wake up and just feel so overwhelmed and I wonder what's this, stress? No, it's usually fear. Not fear of anything in particular, just...fear. Fear that whatever it is, it will go wrong and I will be harmed. For me this is clearly something Little Larry is raising the alarm about.

I look at my susvivor story and it's so strange. I can see I was writing that from the viewpoint of an adult and transferring all my adult ideas back to the way I felt when I was a kid. But thinking more about it, I can see it wasn't that way at all. I wasn't asking myself rational questions. It was more like this:

I am alone.................I'm afraid.
What does he want.....I'm afraid.
He's touching me........I'm afraid.
I don't like this...........I'm afraid.
He's hurting me..........I'm afraid.
I feel dirty.................I'm afraid.
I can't tell.................I'm afraid.

And on and on. And yes, Fozzy, you are so right, on into adulthood with all kinds of terrible results.

I'm not sure what to do about it, or what I can do about it. Every time I post here I feel afraid, but I go ahead anyway. Am I just saying Oh never mind, or am I resolving something? No idea. What about Little Larry? How do I tell him it's okay to be scared? Is that what he needs to hear?

Maybe I even fear my fear.

Larry
 
Fear and shame. Yes, those were the big contollers for me too. Fear is a powerful emotion, freezing us in place. Like deer in the headlights. Thanks for the post, a reminder of a burden left behind.
 
For me, just the realization that I'm not afraid of whatever is in front of me, but actually just reliving that original fear. Holding onto fear like it is a favorite stuffed animal or afraid not to have fear there anymore. The point is I guess, the fear is so old and decrepit that its useless and insignificant. I'm not saying to ignore it but to see it for what it is.

I feel much lighter and willing to go avenues untraveled. Now lets see what comes from this and take that on.
 
I woke up this morning with a sudden dread about my therapy session this afternoon. Until I read this thread, I was going to go in that session and tell my therapist I no longer wanted to feel anything and demand she do something to make all these feelings she's invoking out of me to stop once and for all.

I wanted to tell her that I'm a "tired song playing on a tired radio" - Goo Goo Dolls, Name

Fear huh? This "revelation" isn't surprising for some odd reason. What is surprising is that I'm a logical, emotionally detached person, and I know logically that I will never get better if I don't attend my sessions, so my choice in the matter is crystal clear. I go. Never once crossed my mind that I was afraid of letting my emotions flood out. It is just something that needs to be done.

Have I been afraid all this time? Was that it?

Another matter that may or may not be relevant is that I've never had cold sweats in bed before I went to therapy. Ever. Until I saw this thread, I never realized that I've been having cold sweats since going to therapy, at least twice or thrice a week. WTF is this?

Mental note for this afternoon...
MR
 
Well, gentlemen, you've struck on what therapy is supposed to be all about. Allowing us a safe place in which to talk about our fears.

The Donald, the therapist, says that with us survivors, it is FEAR, that has controlled us. It is when we can face our fear, that is, that fear for which we are afraid for anyone to know, that we gain the upper hand.
So, is it that our moms abused us, our favorite uncle, our father, our priest? Or was it something that we were asked to do, or something that we did, "willingly?"
Donald says that some of us were so anxious during those years that we developed learning disabilities...so much adrenaline was coursing through our brains that we reacted to it in most anti, life hijacking ways.
So, he says, it is when these most frightening fears can be brought into the light of day, is when we can see that we no longer have to be afraid.
Good luck, discovering what frightens you and with the grace of everything that's sacred, may we all find our way out of the "dark, dank tunnel" that has held us captive all of these years.

Strength, courage and peace,

David
 
David,

The question then becomes, when I've faced the fear associated with the abuse, why do I still have these fears that something terrible is going to happen? Is it my mind, which is so used to being driven by fear, holding on to fearful scenarios? Is it a matter of training my psyche not to do that? Do I have to live 20 years without shame to get over the fear? Or have I not truly faced the fear associated with the abuse?

These are mostly rhetorical, but I grapple with them everyday. I have a therapist helping me through this, but the more insight I can get, the better.

Thanks to everyone for all the support that flows through this site...the world would definitely be a better place if there were more venues like it?
 
David, I knew it couldn't have been an original concept, thanks for confirming my thoughts. What I hope to do is give it a different perspective and reference for others to look at. The seed was actually planted while I was watching Batman Begins. Bruce was traumatized by being trapped in a dark well with thousands of bats flying around and some inadvertently hurting him. Anything that triggered that would send him into a trance. He later resolved this fear. In my case though, I don't believe it was one event or series of similar events, but a fear collective based on the emotion of fear. Knowing nothing but that and being alright with it and whatever happens, happens.

AuthenticMe, you have to do it in whatever way works for you. I hope you get there. I am glad new questions and answers came to you and hope that your thoughts bring you to releasing your fear. I can see you are putting thought and energy into a resolution and you should feel good about that. Do you think the fear feeds the shame. Sometimes I think of it like wow I went through that, what could instill more fear than that. Stand up, swing one foot forward into the air, and kick some fear ass. :-) Hope you like humor. Anyway, I know you have the power to empower yourself, you can do it!
 
Fozzy,

The scene in Batman Begins resonated with me, too. I really enjoyed that movie for many reasons and am looking forward to adding it to my DVD collection when the time comes.

It may be a little bit of the chicken/egg thing, but for me the shame feeds the fear. I am so ashamed that I am not as perfect as I present myself to be, that I become fearful of being found out.

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I'll keep you posted about my efforts to transform fear into something more open and clear-seeing.
 
Fozzy - from the darkness and fear came light and enlightenment.

Feeling alone - finding Male Survivor

This is very much a place where you can grow again and branch out!

Best wishes ..Rik
 
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