empty *triggers*

empty *triggers*
P

phoster

Registrant
I know it is very important not to lie to myself, and I have been trying to burry my real feelings. Honestly, I am sad. Im sorry; I wish I could feel different but I dont.

I love sex. I cant help it. Blame the abuse or whatever you want. I have decided all that doesnt really matter much now. I have beat the whys to death, and it really hasnt helped much. The bottom line is I love sex, and that is who I am.

All those years of acting out, I felt bad for being out of control with sex, but there was another side too. See, I always felt so alive, like every day could be an adventure. My mind would grab hold of one fantasy for a while, and I would look at porn of it, fantasize of it, masturbate to it, and if possible share it with my partner. When I got tired of it, I could move on to the next thing that struck me, but there was always this kind of running adventure going on inside me.

Now that I am RECOVERED and in the name of being a good husband, I have turned my back on all of that. Now, everything sexual is directed at my wife. I dont allow myself to cyber, I dont write, I dont look at porn, and I dont fantasize. See the thing with my fantasies is there was always this element of hope. I always hoped some day I could do all these things. When I decided to move home, I gave up my hope. I realized I was choosing Deborah, and I knew what that meant.

The funny thing is, I thought if I gave myself permission to explore some of the fringes I used to love, the ones that seemed okay for a married guy that it would bring something back. I dont want any of that stuff any more, because it can never be real now. I will never know anything outside of my wife and what she agrees to do. That is my reality, and now all those fantasies are just gone. They bring me no thrill, no joy, no high any more. I feel lifeless and flat. The reality of my world means the world that meant so much through the years holds no pleasure for me now. I feel like I am on a slow march to the grave, like there is nothing left worth living for.
 
in talking with a friend, i think i have figured it out. what i am is in transition. i have largely stripped away everything i thought and felt about myself, and now i am in this process of redefining the new me. there are still gaps in the new me, and that is the emptiness i feel. i mean, it all fits. i feel like i am in transition, like i am standing at the gate of a new beginning, just looking for the answers. has anyone else gone through this? if you have, any advice on how to fill the gaps in your life?
 
Phoster,

I went through something like that earlier this year and posted about it here. I had just returned from the States, where I had disclosed to my parents and family. It was a hugely emotional experience, of course, and a major step for me. I got a lot of support and felt like I had made a real breakthrough.

Soon, however, I felt like I was somehow lost. I had indeed made a big breakthrough, but I didn't know what to do next. It was like crashing through a terrible barrier, and then standing there thinking, Okay, now what?

I resolved the problem by allowing my T to guide me. She helped me to see that I was just hesitant to abandon my old ways of thinking and acting; I didn't trust myself to venture into something unfamiliar, however good for me it promised to be.

My guess would be that if you are really making a major transition, you should just trust yourself and move ahead. And if the issue is sex, why not discuss it with your wife? You say:

I feel like I am on a slow march to the grave, like there is nothing left worth living for.
Click to expand...
I imagine she would want to know about that, and perhaps there are things you two can do to add new vitality to your sex life. And perhaps part of the answer also lies in finding other things besides sex to give you that sense of adventure and excitement.

Much love,
Larry
 
well, after reflecting overnight, i think what i miss is focus. right now, it is like i have no direction. i am just kind of existing from one day to the next, and that isnt good. to give my life direction, i think i am going to start working on my writing again, as well as start working out. i need to set some long-term goals that i can focus on, and feel like i have a future and a purpous.

thanks Larry, you are a good man.

you have to know my past, but right now i dont think i can share this with my wife.
 
Phoster - I feel the same way. I told my wife about the abuse, but not about the acting out. I couldn't do it.....I agree that we are in transition, on the verge of something new, and it is scarey. I am moving forward...it can't be any worse than my past.
 
My take on this, is that we were hyper sexed as kids, and had our wires crossed in our heads.
We feel unworthy of relationships, and the dirty little kid syndrome, so we relate to porn as a way out of our conditioning.

Instead of making our own relationships in love, and friends etc., the mind goes through trauma, and sees sex as something muddled, be it hurt, or anything else related to what you went through.

It is not easy to explain, but I went through a period of needing sex and not being able to form relationships because of my abuse.

I downloaded tons of porn, and never could even watch it.
I dumped it, and found a void in life, but it was hard to fill.

It sounds like losing your libido, but no, its just the way it was always meant to be,

ste
 
My take on this, is that we were hyper sexed as kids, and had our wires crossed in our heads.
We feel unworthy of relationships, and the dirty little kid syndrome, so we relate to porn as a way out of our conditioning.

Instead of making our own relationships in love, and friends etc., the mind goes through trauma, and sees sex as something muddled, be it hurt, or anything else related to what you went through.

It is not easy to explain, but I went through a period of needing sex and not being able to form relationships because of my abuse.

I downloaded tons of porn, and never could even watch it.
I dumped it, and found a void in life, but it was hard to fill.

It sounds like losing your libido, but no, its just the way it was always meant to be,

ste
 
Phoster,

i need to set some long-term goals that i can focus on, and feel like i have a future and a purpous.
Click to expand...
That's it, I think. Something (or things) to eliminate that feeling of just drifting sluggishly along - something to do and aim for.

In my case I opted for music - the blues. I can set goals (new songs and ideas), spend as much or as little time on it as I want (or have), and also use it to develop new friendships as and when I feel I want to do that.

Much love,
Larry
 
Phoster --

I can relate to transition being weird. I am in the midst of it and I feel disoriented and the old demons aren't there (for me it was controlling relationships and limiting work situations). I walked away from so much in the last 2 months and I have no idea what makes me tick!!

I don't even know what is happening. But I did some reading today on the dark night of the soul which is a death and rebirth phase where its ok to feel like this.

That helped me out big time.
 
thanks guys.

it is a funny place, because i have no interest in the things i used to do. i miss them, but even when i try to do some of them, it just isnt the same. they dont hold any meaning for me. whether it is porn, cybering or whatever. they just dont do anything for me. i looked at some porn the other day, and i just thought how i didnt feel anything. it just didnt do anything for me.

i dont know where i am going, but one thing for sure, i can't go back to where i was. i have changed too much. i just am not that person now.

i know some things about the new me. for one i know i am a man of God now. i know i am a father and husband. i know overall i am happy. i just dont know what else i am. those things seem like a complete picture, but i am missing personal things, things i can claim as my own. perhaps i will be a writer, or a chef. those are the personal things i am seeking.
 
There are many things in the life, that to lose them, to give them up, is to lose focus of who we think we are. Perhaps it is more a matter of re-defining yourself and finding your other focus and beliefs. Good luck with finding your new self.

Leosha
 
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