empowering day. (POSSIBLE TRIGGER)
nine years ago, i filed a police report. the date was january 24th, 1997, and i was less than one hour out of the second to last time that he ever raped me. i was feeling ashamed, terrified, scared, alone, vulnerable, weak, powerless and about a hundred other emotions. the police officer came to my home, which back then was my grandmothers. he was very cold, and somewhat rude. he didn't do the things he was supposed to do, such as contact a hospital, give my abuser a mandatory HIV test, and he didn't even refer me to the sexual crimes unit so the could inform me of the progression of the case.
afterwards, i went to see two detectives. this is one of the few memories that i can say that i have actively blocked out, and i don't know why. i remember them being very imposing and calling me a liar. i don't remember much else than that.
the next stage of the process is completely unknown to me, again because i have probably actively tried to forget. we went to some sort of juvenile trial-like thing where my parents and his were there and they negotiated something, and that's where my memory stops. i dropped the charges because i was too emotionally unstable to do anything. i wanted to hide, i wanted to pretend it never happened. i didn't want to face the reality of what happened and what he did to me. while this is completely understandable, it is something i have regretted ever since. thankfully, it is one regret that after today, i will no longer have to live with.
today, i officially started the process of pressing charges on brandon.
it is really very odd how this came to be. on february 22nd, i started my group therapy at the cleveland rape crisis center. at the time i signed up for it, i knew in my heart that at that moment, at that place in time, i did notn need it to live. i was quite stable and moving along just fine. i did it mainly for the experience, and it would obviously help me, but i did it more for the experience. but isis told me that there was more to this, that a bigger picture was forming. and to go ahead and do it anyways, even though i felt i did not need it then, because i would need it in the near future. it was two days after i started that group that i found out that the information i had been given in the previous legal attempt was in fact, incorrect and that my statute of limitations had not yet expired.
i have been wrestling with this decision for months, ever since i tried it before and decided not to go through with it at that time, because i just was not ready. ever since then, it's been on my mind now and again, and about a week and a half ago, it hit me full force, and i just couldn't ignore it any longer.
i began thinking about it non-stop, and it was on my mind 95% of the time. thoughts of justice and revenge and if maybe in some odd way, they are just a bit of the same. after all, him being held accountable for what he did tome and what he put me through could be seen as both justice and revenge. what is important is the combination of emotion and intellectual thought behind the action. i am not doing this to "make him pay", nor am i doing this to "get back at him." i am not even doing it because i want to, although those are all reasons, some more than others.
i am doing it because it must be done. i made a promise to myself a long time ago that as long as it was within my powers, not one abuser shall walk free of karma. not one rapist will live without experiencing the consequences of their actions. not one person who dares to violate a human being in that way will live life unaffected. this is more symbolic than anything, because just the act of standing up and confronting him will be therapeutic in itself. the sheer power that it takes to even consider this is amazingly high quality courage. and even if i lose, even if i do not get justice in the legal system, i will have confronted him. i will haved told him what he did. i will have given the last eleven years back to him, in a manner of speaking. he will know what he did, and if it is meant to happen he will pay for it, be it by my statements, or court judgement.
either way, i will finally have closure. and that's what i've been craving for the longest time. not revenge, not to hurt him, but to be done with him. to put as much of this behind me as possible, to finally be separated self i have longed for, because fighting outer demons at the same time you're fighting inner ones is a tiring battle, and i just cannot do it anymore. it is time to finally separate my self from what is not my self.
either way, i will finally have closure. i will have my self. and i can begin to define it as it should be: separated from this as much as possible. it will always be a part of me, and i will most likely always live with it. but that's the difference between it. after this, the suffering will most likely stop, and i can begin to work, really work. because i will have one less battle to fight.
and so it goes. the final showdown, if you will. only this time i cannot lose.
my angels, they surround me
my demons, they have found me
my demons, they surround me
my angels, they have found me now
my angels, they surround me
my demons, they have found me now
afterwards, i went to see two detectives. this is one of the few memories that i can say that i have actively blocked out, and i don't know why. i remember them being very imposing and calling me a liar. i don't remember much else than that.
the next stage of the process is completely unknown to me, again because i have probably actively tried to forget. we went to some sort of juvenile trial-like thing where my parents and his were there and they negotiated something, and that's where my memory stops. i dropped the charges because i was too emotionally unstable to do anything. i wanted to hide, i wanted to pretend it never happened. i didn't want to face the reality of what happened and what he did to me. while this is completely understandable, it is something i have regretted ever since. thankfully, it is one regret that after today, i will no longer have to live with.
today, i officially started the process of pressing charges on brandon.
it is really very odd how this came to be. on february 22nd, i started my group therapy at the cleveland rape crisis center. at the time i signed up for it, i knew in my heart that at that moment, at that place in time, i did notn need it to live. i was quite stable and moving along just fine. i did it mainly for the experience, and it would obviously help me, but i did it more for the experience. but isis told me that there was more to this, that a bigger picture was forming. and to go ahead and do it anyways, even though i felt i did not need it then, because i would need it in the near future. it was two days after i started that group that i found out that the information i had been given in the previous legal attempt was in fact, incorrect and that my statute of limitations had not yet expired.
i have been wrestling with this decision for months, ever since i tried it before and decided not to go through with it at that time, because i just was not ready. ever since then, it's been on my mind now and again, and about a week and a half ago, it hit me full force, and i just couldn't ignore it any longer.
i began thinking about it non-stop, and it was on my mind 95% of the time. thoughts of justice and revenge and if maybe in some odd way, they are just a bit of the same. after all, him being held accountable for what he did tome and what he put me through could be seen as both justice and revenge. what is important is the combination of emotion and intellectual thought behind the action. i am not doing this to "make him pay", nor am i doing this to "get back at him." i am not even doing it because i want to, although those are all reasons, some more than others.
i am doing it because it must be done. i made a promise to myself a long time ago that as long as it was within my powers, not one abuser shall walk free of karma. not one rapist will live without experiencing the consequences of their actions. not one person who dares to violate a human being in that way will live life unaffected. this is more symbolic than anything, because just the act of standing up and confronting him will be therapeutic in itself. the sheer power that it takes to even consider this is amazingly high quality courage. and even if i lose, even if i do not get justice in the legal system, i will have confronted him. i will haved told him what he did. i will have given the last eleven years back to him, in a manner of speaking. he will know what he did, and if it is meant to happen he will pay for it, be it by my statements, or court judgement.
either way, i will finally have closure. and that's what i've been craving for the longest time. not revenge, not to hurt him, but to be done with him. to put as much of this behind me as possible, to finally be separated self i have longed for, because fighting outer demons at the same time you're fighting inner ones is a tiring battle, and i just cannot do it anymore. it is time to finally separate my self from what is not my self.
either way, i will finally have closure. i will have my self. and i can begin to define it as it should be: separated from this as much as possible. it will always be a part of me, and i will most likely always live with it. but that's the difference between it. after this, the suffering will most likely stop, and i can begin to work, really work. because i will have one less battle to fight.
and so it goes. the final showdown, if you will. only this time i cannot lose.
my angels, they surround me
my demons, they have found me
my demons, they surround me
my angels, they have found me now
my angels, they surround me
my demons, they have found me now