Empathy for my wife

[NowICanSee]

I had a very difficult conversation with my wife last night. We started seeing a therapist 3 or 4 months ago for our marital problems and it came to light that I was abused when I was 4. It has kind of derailed much of our marriage counseling. We've been together for 10 years. She has endured a lot in that time (as have I to be fair).

In any case she told me last night that I have no empathy. She listed major events in our relationship where I never sided with her or really seemed to care. She worked for my family and my father was verbally and emotionally abusive to her and I never defended her. There were other things too. The worst though is that she says it felt like I was raping her when we had sex the last 10 years. Considering I dissociated and would go to auto pilot I can see that being the case.

I feel so completely lost and overwhelmed. I thought I knew myself but feel like I'm discovering I never really did. Can anyone here relate? Am I selfish and un-sympathetic?

 

[oliverwendell]

I suppose one could see you as being selfish, but unsympathetic, the fact that you are even bringing it up.. proves at least to me, that is not the case.

She has stated her feelings and you have pretty much agreed that her feelings are warranted. Sounds to me like your therapy sessions have started to kick in.

Admitting the problem means now that you can both begin to work on them as a couple.

We are all sometimes lost and feeling overwhelmed. For me it has almost become a way of life. Trust your instincts, love one another and continue with your therapy. Your therapist must also have experience with male sexual abuse. That is very important now for you both.

Good luck and let us know how things progress,

Oliver

 

[Ceremony]

Here's what I relate to.

My wife gaslights me. Tells me, after I've expressed some concern (like: she yells at me too much), and she'll proceed to explain that I am always yelling at her.

If we had a video of the times we yell at each other, I am adamant that I do not precipitate the events! I react to her yelling at me, and at some point I snap. My reaction is a kind of survival, to stand up for myself. She turns it, excusing that she started yelling at me, and I fell for the trigger.

I think emotions play a huge role in how I deal with things. I'm Ok with emotions, I want them, I think that when I seem to have stopped being depressed, I accepted that I'll be sad and let it happen without fighting it back so much. I'm sort of starting to apply that experience to some of this. To stop the yelling, somehow, I need to see the path to equilibrium. A state where, she can and will continue to initiate button pushing, and I will endure it, though emotionally wrought!

There's more nuance to the plan. It's not stuffing emotions. It's feeling them, letting them in and then channeling them out. A dear man here on MS told me today, that I write "pause" when I am actually taking a pause while I post here. And that's what I mean. My plan is to seek that pause. Then use the tool that anchors me to the feeling I'm enduring, and let it be there. That it's Ok it's there. Then and if I'm thinking this through, I can see it working similarly as the problem of depression...

I wanted to incorporate some revelations in my response to you. These are revelations about an hour in the making. I just had a visit to my T, and some of this is developing. New and nuanced, just beginning, and I'm opening it up here, because I have a very stressful marriage. To me, when you wrote that post, it spoke to me.

My wife won't seek marriage counseling at this point, and has never accepted she could benefit from individual counseling. You're in counseling and if there's any way she'll keep going, that's a good sign. If not, some time to regroup herself? If that's not an option, I'm not sure.

I get it when your wife says she thinks you didn't stand up for her. My wife has done exactly the same thing, and it also has to do with how my family has talked to her, and specifically argued with her. She's held that against me too. Brings it up when I try to talk about some of our issues. Derails our talks. So I get you.

My wife has not expressed any sex problems as yet? I'm unaware is she's having any concerns, but she's refused to talk about any of my problems. I think your wife could do you both a favor and step back. Process the emotions. Let them be there, they are what they are, and when there's been some time, seek to talk.

sorry about the long post.

 

[WontGiveUp]

I think I have started writing this post 20 different times today, deleting and starting over.

I am frustrated for you guys, and I am frustrated for myself. Sometimes - the communcation is so bad between a partner and their survivor it seems impossible.

I think its good you can see and aknowledge the role you have played here, like Oliver says seems like the counseling is working. It takes time to uncover the wounds. I am sure she felt them, as much as you have felt yours. She has a right to express how she feels about whats gone on between you, as much as you do and the fact that she feels she can express it is SUCH a good thing. Even though its hard... make sense?

That you are both discussing this means there is hope. Dont stuff things down anymore, feel them and move forward.

As for being selfish and unsympathetic... its very possible that while you may not have ever meant to be that way, that you act in a way that is. You might not even SEE it, but to her its huge. The best thing you can do - in *my* opinion, which is very biased to my own situation - is to own up to it, and do what you can to make things better - FOR YOU. Honestly take a look at why she is saying the things she is. Find out what it is that causes her to feel this way. See if it rings true with your feelings at the moment it happened and then see why you felt the way you did if it does. If it doesnt, maybe work with her to start finding a safe way to indicate that she is not getting what she needs from you about a very specific moment/circumstance WHILE you are in it. Some safe word or some way that she can tell you she is feeling the way she is that will not trigger something in you negativly.

I hope you are able to use this and help not just your wife but yourself. I can only imagine how difficult it is to manage day to day situations with someone else after going through all you have been through. But it sure says alot that you are here, looking for help and in therapy with your wife getting help.

You are amazing, and I hope that this is just the start of you finding a clear and wonderful peace.

 

[NowICanSee]

Thanks for your stories and words of support guys. This is hard but I am finding some progress is being made. I'm trying to listen more and learning some of it has to do with personality types as well.