Emotionally Used/Targeted - Triggers

[benevolent]

I don't exactly know what the intent is of me writing this other than to express. It's all hitting very close lately and i'm starting to challenge the patterns and voices and it is very painful. My story is probably much different than most in detail - but we deal with the same things - abuse not being the primary trauma, but the lies and thought patterns that come from it.

My step-dad must have suspected i was "gay" when i was younger. He must have known. I think he knew i was emotionally vulnerable, him just having ripped me and my mother away from my dad and moving us to a different state with his job. He must have known.... and his sometimes inordinate affection towards me he must have known would confuse me - almost like he was using my weakness to fulfill something for him. He was never sexual towards me as far as i remember but the goodnight tuck-in was always very elaborate it seemed. Tickling, lots of fatherly kissing, on the lips, etc. I have no desire to accuse him of anything - but people aren't stupid. It seems like it would be something "good" for me - but he wasn't my dad...and i also was clearly struggling with my identity. He would always walk around with his underwear on, too...and nothing else. I felt like i took it all the wrong way when i was younger, in my vulnerability.....i began to sexualize it all under the surface. I don't know why, but i would begin to eagerly anticipate these night time tuck-ins and i began to feel like i had to be physically desirable for him. It's so twisted the things i would do and try to seem casual about it....like being naked under the covers and wanting to be desirable for him. I just can't figure out why i would do those things....and he couldn't have been oblivious to them....he had to have known what i was doing....and worse, maybe he encouraged it. The problem is that he didn't draw a healthy line. Because of my context, certain things he did would not have been acceptable if he wanted to make sure i didn't get the wrong impression...if he really cared about me.

Twice later in my life, two separate men would be sexually aggressive towards me....one was more subtle and i was trapped in his house and terrified for my life....i hid my fear and acted like i liked him (he invited me to look at his woodshop after class right next to his property) so i could get away. A couple years later i was at a carwash and a man was following me and saying sexually inappropriate things to me and even started chasing my car when i was trying to get away from him. After both of these events i kept thinking, "why did they target me?" out of all the people, did i look like someone who would be ok with that? did i look like a male prostitute?" the after thoughts were more disturbing than the events. all of these things both create lies to believe or encourage lies to grow - like the lie of being gay. I don't believe homosexuality to be an actual sexuality - but temptations or thoughts which enter our mind - and we act on them, or worse: identify as that thought rather than just see it as a thought.

i don't know how to make sense of all this - there are so many lies that we believe over time - and sometimes other people are complicit in the lying. They may not even realize what they are doing.

 

[C. E.]

The onus is on the adult. Children observe everything, and I question the teasing actions of the adult in this instance. As for the argument (not made explicitly here - but perhaps in the minds of some readers, especially non-survivors) that he may have been teasing in a way to acknowledge your homosexuality, you have to ask that if you were a little girl, would it be equally appropriate to have him do those things to acknowledge your heterosexuality?

 

[scottyg]

hmmmn... fist of all: I BELIEVE YOU. This is not a place where you need justify anything that you express. And my I say your story is not too different than my own. Let's re-cap. Sexualized by an unknown predator at an extremely early age? Check. Strange relationship with step-father? Check. Disdain for other males or manly men? Check. The only difference I see between the story you wrote and my own story is my brain did not shield me from the horrendous details. Evidently your child's brain did shield your memory of the worst abuse-which is a basic survival instinct and not something to apologize about. I empathize with your predicament, having these very strong emotions but being unable to pinpoint why....

So to reiterate: I BELIEVE YOU. Now I'm going to disagree a little. Sometimes our minds are not our friends and we place much more significance in certain things than we do in others. Sometimes it takes years to realize what is and is not true. When I read this post I read a lot of attributions that you impose upon your step-dad. You invent motivations. I get why. It's all very confusing and every male looks like a potential predator. I would caution this kind of assessment on previous interactions because when we are traumatized our thinking becomes very distorted. That is the hallmark of sexual abuse, extremely distorted thinking.

Someday it will begin to make some sort of sense.However, in the meantime I highly encourage you to become more accepting of ambiguity. It's ok to wait and see, to find out how the mystery shakes out. When we jump into rigid positions about our lives and our sexual identities and our self-worth we are impeding growth. And we're here to grow, yes?

Peace,

Scott A. Grossman

 

[benevolent]

thanks so much. primarily i hope to start accepting everything in my life and not being afraid of FEELING in regards to past life experiences. it's been the strangest process so far....with no help from a therapist, i sense that it's important for me to be dead honest about how i feel - to not cover what i have felt or currently feel....and as i've been doing this, it's like i'm exploding with all these things i had no idea were buried really deep in my mind. a dozen other experiences i haven't even listed here, too. it is odd how as i'm honestly feeling these experiences, i do actually feel younger....like the artificial adult persona fades away and the emotionally stunted age comes through. i will follow your advice to not stay on anything too long or distort it but let things unravel in their own time, too

 

[scottyg]

B-
you bring up a good point about being stunted at a certain age. It is a mixed blessing. On the downside we can behave in ways that are extremely immature and impulsive. But on the upside we carry a youthfulness and an understanding that most adults have lost. I have come to accept and embrace this fact.

I did not like to see that you're going this alone. It is hard enough just to process all this shit, the flood of memories and emotions. I cannot overstate how important it is to find some sort of mental health support. All the stuff up there that I wrote? I'm not a frickin' genius. That advise is the direct result of going through the exact same thing and having a therapist tell me that I was extremely distorted in my thinking. I was told I have a "constellation" of issues. Isn't that such a nice way to say, wow...you're really fucked-up?

What you are doing is brave and in fact, necessary for long-term survival. Men who do not heal from this just kill themselves either fast or slow. BUT this healing journey is neither fast nor easy. Many times I said, "Scott, you got this" only to be kicked in the pants and wind up in a heap. That is why I will beg you to seek a therapist or at least a support group. I am not a fan of either but I have tried it the other way and now know these things are as indispensable as food and water for individuals with our backgrounds.

Peace,

Scott A. Grossman

 

[benevolent]

thank you. i can relate to support being like food and water. it is frustrating because of guilt in feeling super needy and others simplifying it to just self-centerdness. To have someone interested in me or how i am doing or wanting to go deeper feels like a drug in the rare times it happens. Yes, there is that to overcome.

the closest idea i have of explicit abuse is an awareness deep inside me that i have hidden something very dark. In my mind it manifests as having hidden a dead body with somebody older than me when i was younger. This emotional "memory" involves both underneath a bed and the woods. And a feeling of dread/terror in it being found out. This awareness came only in the past six months - like i had even forgotten about it myself and feeling guilty for that event so long ago. In my mind, the guilt is so REAL - like i actually experienced that. I don't know why i have that as something buried in my brain or if it is even real - but it's not just a casual thought. I still remember the first time somebody asked me if i was abused (about a year ago) and how it made me freeze up. I don't see any abuse as the thing to focus on or "work" on....nevertheless it comes up invariably. Even if i did remember something, i don't think i would feel anger. I think it would help me to grieve, though. I have so much grieving to do but i don't know why.

There is a church group i was involved with for ten years....over the past couple years, i started to become very unstable - to the point that they even recognized my "lunacy"...i started acting out and really not having healthy interactions with others and so they kicked me out. They are the closest thing i've had to a close family ever - and in them kicking me out it's been helpful in that it has woken me up to and forced me to face whatever this is. But now i am completely alone, it seems, when i feel i would need healthy relationships the most.