Emotionally empowering vs. Emotionally damaging

Emotionally empowering vs. Emotionally damaging
M

mphsrvivor

Registrant
Where/How can I draw the line in my recovery between that which empowers me through recovery and that which serves to victimize me further? For example, I come here and read others questions and statements and it somehow makes me feel better and more emotionally stable because it makes me notice where I am in my own recovery and shows me a goal to reach for. But at the same time, the more I come here the more I feel the hurt resurfacing and I want to act out as a victim (go after Dan and the church). This reaction clearly is not in my best interest. Ive already confronted Dan and told him what I wanted to and I am staying in touch with the church as I continue to hold them accountable for their actions.

This happens to me quite often. I cycle through periods of passive living and then periods of aggressive reactions based on the abuse. I know somewhere in between is a place where I can still be active with my recovery but not become obsessed with it. How can I strengthen my spirit but not drag the victim mentality with me? How can I truly let go of the hurt? Rationally, I know it isn't helping me but emotionally I am currently stuck with it.
 
Patrick,

Wow, what a question! It's very important of course and I'm not sure I can answer you.

As a general rule I would say that you are on safe ground if you are staying in the present, asking what you can do to solve your problems in the here and now, and working towards that by searching for the ways your old feelings need to change to match what you are learning about abuse and how it relates to you personally.

Here's an example: "That bastard Dan did such and such to me! :mad: " This kind of thinking won't help you. You are not in the present, where you have power to do things to help yourself. Here you are just raging over the past. We of course all have the right to rage, but where does that get us? Of course Dan was a bastard and of course what he did was terrible. But all that is in the past, and nothing we can do will ever change that.

Another example: "What Dan did to me makes me feel worthless." Aha. Now we are in the present. You are empowered! You can ask yourself WHY you feel worthless. You will soon be led to the fact that what happened was a crime against a child and wasn't ever your fault. What started as a debilitating feeling ("I am worthless") has now been turned into a powerful tool ("None of the abuse was my fault").

A lot more could be said, but that's how I would frame it for the time being. Do you get what I mean?

Much love,
Larry
 
Its common to feel on an emotional rollercoaster.
Sometimes it is triggered by reading too much of anothers hurt here.

Larry is right about beating yourself up about something of the past, but having said that, we all do it, as abuse affects our own daily living today.

I think you are going through raw anger at the moment, and feel like theres nothing you can do, nor nobody to turn to for help.

One thing I learned about anger, is that it only damages yourself, so I found ways of channelling it positively, by keeping my mind safe with hobbies and getting out and walking etc.

Hope it helps,

ste
 
it is hard, because not everything that feels bad is bad for your recovery. we need to feel the pain we've shut out all our lives, and the anger as well. yet, if it goes too far it can drag you under. i guess in my opinion, that separation is where it becomes actions. it is okay to feel angry with Dan and the church, but it isnt okay to actually take revenge outright. it is okay to feel say, but not okay to take your life because of it, and so on. the only way it loses its power is when it loses the pain it inflicts. when you can face your abuse just like any other bad part of your past, then you are on the road to being whole.
 
The main thing that gets the old hurt and anger stirred up is knowing that he basically got away with it. It really pisses me off knowing he'll never receive any real punishment for what he did. I know I cannot "make him pay" for what he did but all of those feelings still get stirred up and it starts to show in my daily life. I'll regain my "Fuck the World!" attitude and that really hurts me and my family. I don't like being like that but I don't know what to do to reduce those angry feelings. I want action. I'm not satisfied with leaving him there to live his life as if he did nothing wrong. I know I can't hurt him the same as he hurt me. Even if I could, I don't want to do that to him. I would be no better than him. I simply want him to receive the punishment he deserves.
 
but he will answer. in the end, he will account of his life, and he will answer to a higher power than any court we have here on earth. no one gets away with anything.

i reckon i cannot impose my beliefs, but my recover and life is so hinged on it that it is hard for me to think in other terms. anyway, if you do believe in God, also believe that people will account for thier lives in the end.
 
I don't believe in any god who sits and judges our actions. Too much crap happens in this world for me to believe in that. To me, that's wishing on a star.

That's great if you believe but I can't.
 
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