Emotionally attached as usual...
I'm not quite sure where to begin other then to say i am so fuckin sick and tired of latching on to a female who i had a date with last night but i know in fact i have AGAIN pushed someone away.I smother those who give me any attention and therefore they become turned off and smothered but yet i still do it.Why do relationships with either a male/female so damn hard for me and although i know i am overbearing and crave attention to the point virtually anyone in my life i feel close to.I feel so alone lately but yet at the same time i like it because i don't have to answer to anyone.I push most people away and i am not even aware of it and now i feel as though i'll never fuckin meet someone who will accept me for who and what i am.Nobody wants the baggage that comes with having been abused as a child and ALL THE PROBLEMS that certainly effect whoever is in my life.At times i just want to "check out" and not have to deal with all the emotions that not only come up surrounding the abuse but also when i have positive feelings with anyone but especially a female.Am i ever going to be "over and recover " from the direct results of being sexually abused.At this point who would want to put up with me and all the crap i feel inside and by extenion exhibit outwardly to others when i am paid attention to.What sane and normal person would want me in their life with all i've had to deal with.I tend to always tell the woman i meet WAY TO MUCH of my past as though if i do they'll feel sorry for me and therefore stay with me.Last night i found myself literally telling this person so much that she got upset and honestly i felt that even though i am aware of my boudaries i crossed hers and i wasn't even aware of it until now while typing this post.I just wish i could take away EVERYTHING i went through but of course i know thats not possible so now i am left having to deal with my actions again due to not being so emotionally impulsive and feel the need to tell people how much i suffered.Coopstah.
