Emotional Scars/Ultimatum/abusive marriage

Emotional Scars/Ultimatum/abusive marriage
A

andrew76

Registrant
Got to talking with a very dear friend of mine and this person told me that I needed to write about the emotional scars that I have suffered over time since the abuse and as of tonight.

Came back from a 2 day stretch of being over the road as a tractor trailer driver and wife and I got into same old sh*t just different day and time.Wife tried to keep tabs on me as to where I happened to be even after telling her I was on my way home from the space coast.Wife and I got into a very heated argument tonight and words were exchanged that really have me wanting to file for divorce first thing Monday morning here in Fl.

Wife started in on the child kick yet again and what we went through last week in regard to my wife wanting to have a child yet tonight heated words were exchanged and a statement came out that has me rethinking and reevaluating my marriage and also having a child with my wife.My wife told me that unless we were to have children that she would leave me for someone else who could fulfill her dream and not hang her up from being able to move forward with having kids.

Feeling very betrayed and very hurt I just broke down in tears I could not handle her ultimatum as I am still dealing with past issues and feel not ready to have a child just yet scared of many things that has damaged me emotionally that I am now closing in and not speaking about this issue hurts too damn much and feeling like I am not worth 2 sh*ts I can just be replaced with someone else.I am so tired of being controled emotionally and physically I am so exausted and so tired of fighting I am at my wits end and am at the point where i am going to just say the f*ck with everything in my life all together and I am ready to just walk away from everything I have and own and just want to start a fresh and new with someone who really cares for me without an ultimatum or having something shoved back before my face.It will either be me leaving and saying the hell with everything or I will join other family members that are deceased either way I win and I get what I want and need.

Feeling as if I should just bag everything I feel and think and not say another word I have been hurt enough I am so tired of fighting and having words stated that is almost like a dagger through the heart very sharp and very damaging,not feeling like I am needed or wanted anymore when it comes to being with my wife.I give up. So tired of fighting.I guess i get what I paid for in regard to this marriage.Just another day in the life of someone on the brink of saying the hell with everything.


More to come as thoughts flow freely as right now everything is just bundled together and I am trying to diversify between certain thoughts and feelings.


Andrew76 :confused:
 
Andrew - I cannot give you advice about what to do with your relationship. What I can say though is do not give up on life all together.

Around 16 months ago, I was lower than I thought it was possible for anyone to feel - I've got through it gradually & I am so much stronger now.

Try writing lists of what is currently good / bad & decide what you want to change & then devise a plan to do this.

I know this sounds simple when it's written down, but it worked for me.

At my lowest ebb, I even wrote lists of activities that needed doing in the house & gradually forced myself to do some of them. Seeing things improve in my house gradually lifted my spirits & one day I realised that I was functioning 'normally' again.

Hope this helps ...Rik
 
Andrew:
I, too, have been so low that I thought of just ending everything. However, what prevents me are two things - I know that there ARE people who would be deeply affected by this - I am an educator and have a profound effect on literally thousands of students who look up to me and would be devastated.
Secondly, someone told me once that suicide would NOT be a victory - it would only give all of my power over to my abusers.
Your profile shows the "hurricane straits". My wife and I went through Hurricane Andrew in 1992 and life wasn't back to "normal" for years. Our house was severely damaged and we were abandoned by our contractor AND short $30,000. This placed tremendous stress on our relationship. I don't know if that's the case for you, but it wouldn't help to add to the stress.
Have you sought marriage counseling? Is your wife aware of the trauma that you're going through?
I know that I've given you more questions than answers. I agree with Rick57 that a list of burdens/benefits is very helpful. Somehow when you see things on paper, it helps to put things in perspective.
You're not alone - keep posting and we will all listen.

Sophiesdad
 
My immediate and intense concern is your hint of wanting to end things. Please do not take that route. You have found a place full of men who know the deepest darkest palces we can sometimes go. So I offer you the light of friendship to climb out of that mess and look with your reasonable mind for solutions that meet your needs. I can not claim to have any credentials to councel you, but as a brother, a freind, and a man who cares where you are, I would ask you to find a therapist who fits with your needs. It seems your wife has her own agenda and it doesn't match where you are safely. Your safety as your "new brother" is my greatest concern. It seems hopeless to us all at times but I assure you it is not. We can be your hope if you can not find it for yourself. Let us care and prop you up in your despair. Move toward your recovery in boldness. Talk to us when you wnat and can. Please do nothing to harm yourself. I hold you in my thoughts for your good judgment to take the lead. I stand beside you in your struggle. Please stand strong.
RIc
 
Another day of emotional pain and hurt from my wife.Things started out with my wife wanting me to lay with her and be all loving with her even despite what was said last night especially since she tried to say that what was said was done in anger and i damn well know that it was not just said in anger it is the honest to gods truth of how she feels and I told her this morning don't expect me to be all loving with you and expect me to kiss and hold you when you really told me how you feel in regard to the situation.

Because I brought up a good point of medical problems with me ie:back/neck problems medical implants to keep my spine from collapsing and the possibility of cancer of my thyroid to the reproductive doctor then to throw in my wife's medical problems diabetes and a possible passed on gene of heart attack from her father who passed away at the age of 49 I brought all this up to the doctor while at this medical appt and got the god aweful stare from the wife that said we were going to have a serious talk later well to make long story short my wife now thinks I am crushing her DREAM for being honest with a doctor that might be able to help if I should so desire to stay with my wife and have a child.

Started talking later on in the day about the conversation with my wife and I told her for me the whole entire subject of having a child and our marriage and where things were headed had just began as of last night officially especially after what she told me.During the conversation my wife told me that had I told her before we got married that I did not want to have a child she would have not married me she then went on to say as well about all my medical issues and how I am shutting her out which as of this week is true especially if I might have cancer and may be headed in for another spinal surgery after finding out that after having a fusion done to my neck three years ago this is failing the levels below and I found out that I have several nodules on my thyroid all this within the last month then to throw in everything else in regard to dealing with emotional scars from the abuse and then to throw in the not being able to have a child of my own naturally and then to throw in on top the comment made today by my wife that if I don't give her the dream she wants she will divorce me and will go find someone else who will give her what she wants and she will then be happy and she won't have to feel as if i am making excuses just to make excuses as she put it today she thinks I am making her jump through hoops meaning medical gene testing ahead of actually going through with trying to have a child and if this gene testing comes back negativly I will just close this door all together so she thinks I am just trying to stall and draw out the time on this subject which is not what I am doing,what I am doing is trying to think of my wife's better medical well being prior to getting pregnant especially knowing that there may already underly medical complications for the unborn thought of child now as things are and could be later o down the road.

This on top of the subject of being told by my abuser at one time during the abuse I would make some woman very happy someday and come to find out that I can't really hurts and pisses me off and makes me resent everything I went through during the abuse as it all now seems like it all is coming true that I am so f*cked up I can't even see straight or beyond my own life and the situation I am in now.Abuse sucks and so does my life right now just want to pull the covers over my head and say the hell with it all.

If my wife thinks she will be happy without me then fine divorce me and get it all over with and quit f*cking with my life and my head I have had enough mind games and abuse and neglect and not allowing me to voice my feelings or opinion.My life as I have known it may just be over with anyhow so why not just take my heart and soul along with the divorce and while your at it take my life as well so I don't have to live in tis cruel and cold world I am ready to go join the rest of my family that has passed away ahead of me hell I even wrote a note to my grandfather who passed away and placed in his casket to save me a spot as it may not be too much longer before i join him and the rest of the family that has gone on before me.

The emotional side of the abuse has taken so much of a toll on me that I can't think straight or even see straight right now the emotional side of my abuse has made me remember comments that were said by my abuser sexually that now is haunting me and is taking the life right out of me then to add in the emotional side of watching my abuser not give 2 sh*ts about anyone but himself and the bottle from which he drank from and abused me from everynight all this is making me comptiplate the very thing I want to do.The emotional side has made me relive the abuse in just another aspect that has never been dealt with it has put me in tears lately along with my wife because I cannot handle it anymore the emotions are freeing themselves of the can in which I bottled them all up and now I can't stop the emotions between anger,tears,rejection,resentment,bitterness,trust,love and the most f*cked up now intimate love.The emotions are now out of the bag and god this week is going to be hell on earth for me to get through let alone live through.

I leave to go back out on the road as of 010:00am eastern time and probably won't be back on here for the next week until maybe next saturday meanwhile I will be dealing with all this alone man I really hope i will be able to sustain myself the rest of the week.I might be able to still receive your posts while out on the road so please keep me in thought and if you want to post back please do I will try to let you all know how I am doing as i can.
 
Andrew,

This is my first post here. So, forgive me if I say something wrong. I'm pretty freaked out actually writing here.

I read your last post a couple times. You said that life as you know it might be over. Please believe that doesn't mean that life is over. I know that my own abuse has brought me to feel the same way a lot of times. But even though things change, and change hurts, I really do believe that life continues to be worth living. Heck... I don't know what else to say.

Just, hang in there. In case you get this on your trip. You can do it. Hang in there.
 
Andrew,
It sounds as though you know change has to happend at home. Let your lawyer deal with that drama. The thing that worries me is your being alone in your pain. I do hope you know tht every man here cares and supports you. "Constant abuse" can stop if you end the acceptance of it. That was what you knew, and now you can no different. It is not okay!!!!
Move forward in your recovery however you can.
You have brother's here who deeply care. You are not alone, so please do nothing rash and post us when you can.
Ric
 
Ranger]19
Feel free to send me a PM if you wish, I read your story and I believe you were abused. I extend my hand of acceptance and support for your recorvery too. We can talk without fear of your path thus far. Just click on my name and send a PM if that might help you as well?
 
Thanks guys I am about to take off but wanted for you all to know I won't try anything rash over the next week while I think and ponder on a lot of the issues and I vow a solemn promise to not take my life while out on the road to my friends and brothers here but at the same time I will think on what you all are bringing up to me and I will post when i can while on the road and when I get back I will post to let you all know I am safe and what my final decision will be.Thanks for caring gents and have a great week talk to you all soon my friends.

Andrew76
Friends are friends forever :cool:
 
Andrew:

I also want to offer you to PM me if you wish. I can not only relate with your feelings as far as the abuse and lack of trust, but also you have the complication of severe back problems. I have had 3 laminectomies, several procedures, one of which caused me to land in the hospital and almost died from pulmonary embolism (I had developed several large blood clots). I eventually had a morphine pump implanted to control the pain and that only makes it tolerable.
Believe me, Andrew, that the constant physical pain takes its emotional toll also. In my case, when I go thru bad pain cycles, it unfortunately brings up abuse memories and feelings. I know how horrible it is - today was my BD (48) and the first thought in my head when I woke in pain this morning was, "am I going to have to live like this for another 40 years?" Sometimes I don't know what it is that keeps me going on.
From what you have said about the situation with your wife and pregnancy, it seems like you are taking a reasonable step to make sure that her health and/or the health of the baby aren't in danger. Any reasonable person would do the same thing.
Forgive me for being so bold as to say that I don't understand why she's being so cruel and unsupportive at a time when YOU are dealing with the possibility of cancer as well as looking forward to ANOTHER back operation. Regardless of whatever else is going on in your life, you should be treated with kindness, respect and understanding to help you through this rough time. :confused:
I hope that this week on the road goes smoothly and PLEASE remember my offer to PM me if you want to. I have dealt with chronic pain for the last 9 years and know how it really adds to a mix that can make life hell on earth. I also reading the posting from someone else to let us all know that you are OK. Thanks for doing that.

sophiesdad
 
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