emotional confusion

emotional confusion
B

beccy

Registrant
Since I brought up the issue of emotional/physical boundaries with bf, he has been more depressed. I am fighting my own guilt over this. The other day he was really down and said that was all he felt at the moment. (referring to said issue) I made it very clear that I do understand that and that it was good that at least he's opening up to me when he's feeling low about the abuse related stuff. He was depressed to not be able to give anything more to me, but i said it was a start. And that emotionally, feeling down is where he's at at the moment, so sharing that with me is a start and that I can wait for everything else.

He's now brought this issue up about 4 times, and I'm fairly sure he's trying to get some kind of sympathy over it, which doesn't seem fair to me. I have been very supportive when he's cried with me. Plenty of hugs etc. The rest of the time trying to busy myself with other things. I just feel like it's confusing the way he seems to want something more from me over this, as it was all about the things that i need. He's got this anger issue all the time, which he acknowledges is not about me, but today he related it to this too. I said I am aware I am not 'giving' as much to the relationship as I have for years. And also, none of this is easy for me either. So, why is he making this inot something i should be giving to him? Each time it seems to turn out that he needed to cry and have some support.

I just wish he wouldn't turn things around all the time. That's the way it feels to me. He said he feels resonsible for my emotional state(like he did with his mother), so he's busy thinking about my feelings not his own and what he might need. It's just so dissorienting. Do you think I'm right about this stuff, cause I get so confused.

Also I think he's probably picking up on my general frustration with everything. I mean life is HARD at the moment for me too you know? I give and give to the kids, it's hard for the kids with him being so down, my daughter gets very aggravated when she spends time with him, all kinds of behavioural problems gathered up over the years. I dislike quite a lot of his parental ways, it's hard at the table when he hardly speaks, or reacts to my daughter talking. He doesn't take responsibilty for all kinds of things. He's difficult to talk to and comes and goes mostly as he pleases as far as being 'tuned in', or working. He doesn't respond nicely to me a lot of the time. I don't get any of the usual acknowledgement a woman needs. He's not asked me to marry him. I've just been through this great big shock of everything that's happened. In short, he is VERY DIFFICULT to live with. But still I am supporting him the best I can, although I have withrawn to a certain extent and I suppose he can sense this, but I don't want to be his fool any longer and I feel it's unfair he wants more from me. At the same time as not trusting my feelings over this :rolleyes:

till later,

peace,
Beccy
 
I forgot to mention, I also feel like he's been being competitive with me about work(we both do creative work, and used to work together). In fact, I'm sarting to get the feeling he sees everything as competitive between us. It doesn't feel very 'partner-like' to me....

The other night for example, I had to work(no choice) on our shared computer till really late. We hadn't eaten yet, and I couldn't cook dinner. In the end it got really late, so I asked him if he would make it, as I wouldn't be finished till another hour(11pm). He did, then when I finally finished, he started some work on the computer. It was really late by then, and after when I sympathetically asked him if he really needed to work, he said he wasn't going to have enough time to do it the next day. I'm sure that wasn't true and I just don't get it?

It's just starting to feel to me like he's not happy with me every time I work........
 
Beccy, your bf sounds a lot like my hus.in that mine doesn't try to make conversation at the table either - it is always so much work for me to try to get talk going and keep it going just so we can at least appear normal in front of others. He comes and goes as he pleases, barely acknowledges me too, etc......I'm hoping things are soon to change. But again, remember how Larry said that survivors are so BLIND to the pain they cause others. They are so wrapped up in their own world/problems that they don't SEE that others are around them that need things too. I have to remind myself of that a LOT.

Also, maybe he doesn't like you working because in his mind he needs you so much right now that work takes you away from him. ??? Mine has always competed w/ me - we don't both work but if we do something like entertain friends, we compete over who decorates the house, who does better at this or that, whose idea this recipe was, etc. Usually it's just friendly competition but I have OFTEN wished we didn't compete so much - rather, I see him as competing with me. And I don't care about competing. And if he has a neat idea or whatever, he loves to say, "You're jealous, aren't you?" He loves to compete w/ me.

I want to ask you and others about something else: jealousy. Mine has NEVER been jealous one bit if another guy makes a pass at me or whatever. It always hurt my feelings that he seemed so indifferent. Now I wonder if it's because he has never felt he deserved me anyway (this was all before I knew about all the negative effects of csa) that he never bothered to "stake his claim" on me. Like maybe just felt like he couldn't claim something that he doesn't feel should be his??? Does your bf get jealous? It's always hurt me that he is so indifferent. Once we went out to eat w/another couple and were talking about that movie "Unfaithful" or something, and the wife said something to my husband like, "What would you do if ____(me) went off and had an affair? Wouldn't you just die?" My hus. was so indifferent, he just said, "You know me, I'm not the jealous type, and if they're happy together, good for them." The other couple was astounded, as was I, at his reply. So abnormal.

I know it's so hard right now. My heart goes out to you. Don't forget that your bf is probably blinded to your needs right now; he CAN'T function as a normal man would. His thinking is distorted too. Hopefully w/ TIME things will improve. I can't imagine them staying this way indefinitely.
 
P.S. My hus. is GREAT at making conversation around OTHER PEOPLE, just not ME. That is another reason it hurts so much, because he puts forth an effort to be interesting around others, like if we are out with another couple, but doesn't even bother with me alone. And I'm supposed to come first in his life!
 
well, actually my bf has never much showed his jealousy either. Recently I did notice a black look come in his eyes when I thought he might have been jealous, so I asked him if he was angry and he was, but it was like he didn't KNOW he was jealous. I find it SO hard to know what he's feeling most of the time though, he doesn't 'express' much, if you know what I mean. Although he has done slightly more recently.

I have to confess that quite often I feel like my bf hates me. I don't think he actually does though, it's hate for other people and it comes out towards me cause I'm here, you know?

Anyway, I've got to go rest now, I'm so tired :rolleyes:

peace
Beccy
 
Beccy, there have been many times in the past when I thought my hus. really despised me also. But I remember thinking at those times, "I haven't done anything to warrant this, I can't believe he is that mad at me about ___(whatever, fill in the blank). Now I look back and realize that he was never really that mad at ME, but it was aimed AT me. Isn't this the weirdest thing. It is so weird to figure all these things out, finally. It's almost like he's been abusing ME all those years, without either of us realizing it at the time. But really, I'd just about call it that. And not to even mention the emotional neglect. I still love him because I realize now these things couldn't be helped and that he didn't consciously do them TO me. But still it's hard to think that maybe I've now been the recipient of possible abuse from him for YEARS. I can't help but call it that. Even though he didn't *mean* to abuse me. Does that make sense?
 
Yes, that makes total sense, that's exactly how i feel too. I think it's taking a little while before I feel I can trust him again.

I feel horribly on edge all the time as well, about the fact i've not really known him/he's not really known himself. It is a great anxiety at the moment, that I might not like what I get to know/he might come to realise I'm not the kind of woman he wants. I think my self esteme is at an all time low really. Yesterday I took my son to a playgroup and I felt so unconfident just talking to the other mums. I felt exhausted and weak. Also I'm definately having problems trusting people, like if someone shows an interest in being friends, I run a mile! What does THAT mean? I feel a bit like I want to run away from this life(with kids) and paint another one more like the way I want it....

peace
Beccy
 
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