EMDR worries

Hey guys, I started to see a T with a plan to do EMDR when I am ready. I have at least 2 fears:
1). I will remember new details that will be scary
2). My mind has made all of this up and I will find out nothing happened.

I have no real solid memories of abuse, but I have loads of physical reactions to thoughts, ideas, images of what may have happened, reactions to things that may have been said etc. I have been reading 'The Body Keeps the Score' so I am going on the premise that something bad happened or why else would I be triggered and have strong reactions.

Does anyone else worry about this kind of stuff? I know that new details could come up during EMDR, but I worry that they will be something different than what i think happened, maybe not as bad, maybe worse..who knows. My brain has hidden something from me for 40 years so I am feeling unsettled about it.

Not sure what I am looking for...could my mind have made up such real sensations and flashes of images and real terror inside me, if nothing happened? It seems unlikely but I wonder if anyone else has had this kind of worry.

Thanks guys...feeling a bit unsteady.

Bryan
 

BDD

Registrant
Bryan,

I've been curious about EMDR. I have the same concerns. Thank you for getting them into black & white.
 
I think having anxiety before launching into this new treatment approach makes sense. Carrying confusing thoughts about it all seems to be a natural part of CSA since memories are so elusive. I searched for 6 years in therapy for evidence of sexual abuse without success, or at least that was my thought at the time. It was when doing my first EMDR session a few years later that specific sensation and images came to me. I was sitting in the chair following the therapists moving fingers (the old days of EMDR) when my left foot lifted from the floor and I felt myself being dragged. That was within the first minutes of using EMDR. Over the next three years a great deal more appeared and the story of what happened came into focus.

You're making a commitment to yourself Bryan. You are along for the ride, if you're willing to suspend judgment and take the ride where it leads. You don't need to catastrophize it or diminish it. You'll know more as your therapy proceeds. All the best to you on this important journey.
 
going thru CRM & Huna Therapy now - uncovering past stuff - it is a mess - more trauma -- but uncovering it allows healing to enter in.
 
I know my abuse was real because it went on for 10 years but I do worry about uncovering things my mind hide from me to keep me safe so I wouldn't self destruct. I don't see myself doing EDMR soon or ever maybe.
 
@F.A. - there are other options for PTSD therapy that are less retraumatizing, such as Brainspotting, CRM, Huna and others. EMDR has just been around longere and is more wide-spread.
 
Thanks guys... agree that if my mind was really making stuff up, my T and I would have figured it out. She always tells me that the facts don't to have to be clear, but that I need to deal with the feelings that are coming up now.

It is a wild ride and I don't always feel in control, but with EMDR hopefully I can not be transported back into the feelings so quickly. We'll see...the guy doing it is really gentle and said we go at my pace and he is in contact with my T about what is going on, so I know I am in good hands. It may be months before I get to the EMDR so I have time to ease into things.
Carrying confusing thoughts about it all seems to be a natural part of CSA since memories are so elusive.
This is very well said and I'm glad to not be alone in this aspect....elusive memories.

Bryan
 
I started EMDR with similar fears, but more important than whether my memories were real or not was that I wanted to get better and have a life I would be happy living. The therapy did clarify my memories and now I have no confusion about the reality of what happened, more importantly my life is so much better. Dealing with the memories is excruciatingly painful and I found the EMDR brutal at times, which was partly my own fault as I hid how difficult it was from the T as she was afraid of traumatising me and wanted to slow things down. I was too eager to get it over as fast as possible.
EMDR has been great for me so I would always recommend trying it. Hope it helps clear up the confusion for you.
 
I started EMDR and had to stop as I was not supported by my T. He missed the next session after the first treatment of EMDR. I showed up and was told I had made a mistake he was not in the office today. I was screwed I had a hell of a time just getting home. I have what they are calling cPTSD and the EMDR let everything come to the surface. I had many things I had not considered traumatic that came to me as extremely traumatic. I was dissociating ending up at sights of different trauma's. Sitting in my car across from and fatal accident scene from the 70's crying sobbing grieving. That T I left after the third time he screwed up on appointment.

I had to almost stop driving as I was having to pull over to cry. It was and extremely hard thing to go through for me. I am seeing a Psychologist now that tells me as far as he is concerned at this point I am not a candidate for EMDR. He told me he has a hard enough time keeping me on topic without EMDR he didn't think it would be productive for me at all.

I did see some good with it as it did allow me to see inside some but then without support I fell apart. One thing I really got out of it was a summary of the intake sessions of witch there was at least 6 session each being 90 minutes or more. It is the first time I have seen how all this could fit into the time line I had. I understand now how and how long I was abused and I believe I know most of the traumatic experiences I had in my life. I have only been able to read it once, the thing it has done for me when I start with someone new I don't have to go through all that again I just pass them the pages.

Good luck if you are able to do it.
 
Sorry you had such a lousy experience with EMDR Esterio. That sounds like malpractice to me. All of these treatments that unpack trauma need to be delivered with great care. This isn't a parlor trick used to evoke a reaction. We need to have deep trust with our therapist before opening up these long buried memories. It seems folks from this website who are doing EMDR at the moment are working with competent professionals, which is heartening. Hopefully, Bryan will have a good experience with his treatment team.
 

David1

Registrant
Have been using EMDR with T for years. It helped me to remember things. They don't turn it on and you go back there instantly. Almost like putting you in a slight trance. Some days nothing happened. I, like you, always wanted my T to tell me I was crazy and all of my memories were fabricated. Mental illness was more acceptable to me than the abuse. But now I realize it did happen and accepting that and understanding it has helped me immensely. Healing is a good thing as Martha Stewart would say.
 
I started EMDR with similar fears, but more important than whether my memories were real or not was that I wanted to get better and have a life I would be happy living. The therapy did clarify my memories and now I have no confusion about the reality of what happened, more importantly my life is so much better. Dealing with the memories is excruciatingly painful and I found the EMDR brutal at times, which was partly my own fault as I hid how difficult it was from the T as she was afraid of traumatising me and wanted to slow things down. I was too eager to get it over as fast as possible.
EMDR has been great for me so I would always recommend trying it. Hope it helps clear up the confusion for you.
Thank you for that insight @Rurai I am also eager to get it over so it's helpful to know what you experienced. Thank you and its so great to hear that things are better for you :)
 
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