EMDR therapy for Orodo
I had an EMDR session scheduled today. I went. it was unbelieveably healing. I'd like to tell you about how it went, it could be triggering, cuz i relived a part of the abuse and dealt with it in such a different way.
I've been working with this therapist since mid August, building rapport, trust and the like. A couple of weeks ago, she did a "trial" EMDR session to see how well it might work for me. The first session we "installed" the quality of assertiveness, ability to say "no", self confidence and the like. I used, (sit down fo this) Donald Rumsfeld as my "mentor" or role model. STrange, I know, but you cannot imagine how it well it worked.
Today, we planned to work on dealing with some sexual abuse, and "flush out" the emotions attached to the abuse. I held two "nodes", one in left hand and one in right hand. These nodes vibrate in an alternating pattern, right hand, left hand. I was sitting in a nice comfy LA-Z-BOY recliner. I relaxed. The pulses began. While the pulses in my hands occured, she asked me to visualize myself as a little boy, after mass, when I was about 9 years old. She asked me to visualize and repeat back to her what was happening. I remembered a great deal more details than ever before. I remembered that my first abuse occured after a wedding. I was an Altar Boy in the Catholic Church, served for weddings on saturday mornings. The groom had come in to the sacristy, given Father and evelope, and gave me a five dollar bill for serving at the wedding. The groom left, as did the best man. I was alone with Father. He wanted me to go out to breakfast with him at McDonalds, as was the custom, after having served Saturday AM. So he asked me to hurry, and get out of my Alb. I was still kinda unco-ordinated when it came to this task. So Father offered to help me out. He pulled the cassock up over my head. He told me how nicely dressed i was, how I made such a nice looking altar boy. He asked me for a hug. I let him hug me. Then he hugged me harder. His hands wandered. His hands wandered into my pockets. He touched my privates through the pants pockets. I remember getting hard. In the here and now, I really was getting hard. It hurt then and for some reason it hurt again. His hands wandered some more, up over my pants, into my pants, and into my underwear. He felt for me, he found me. He pulled on me. He pulled hard, until it got really hard. And he jerked me off, for what seemed like forever. At this point, my T stopped the pulses. She pulled me back ( I was crying by now, and my crotch hurt really bad, and I was a little wet). Now she told me to walk into the Sacristy, as me, here and now, adult size Orodo. So there I went. She told me to rescue the little boy. Save him. Protect him, like no one else did way back then. And I did. I barged into the back of the Church, grabbed the boy away from Father, grabbed Father's head, headlock, then smashed his nose and face down into my knee. Father got a broken, bloody nose, and passed out on the floor. The boy was wide eyed, crying a little, and biting his nails. Therapist then told me, the rescue was not complete, the boy was now safe, but needed more from me. So I went back and told him "it was not your fault, don't feel like you were caught, cuz you did not do anything wrong, it's ok if it felt good, Father musta thought he was helping you, but he was really helping himself a little too much, and that the boy should never ever let anyone touch him there again, and that he would be believed and kept safe if he told the next time it happened. "
It was incredible. I saved the little boy inside.
Then I flashed over to an incident at the McDonalds, which happened after the last time FAther abused me. I remembered being in FAther's car, and 1974 Red dodge Dart, with bald tires. AFter breakfast, Father was going to bring me home. The boy (me)I sat in the front, passenger side. Father reached over and put his hand on the boys' thigh, and moved toward his crotch. Father asked if the boy liked boys or girls better. What happened in reality was that Father put the car into reverse and got into a rear-end collision. What happened during the EMDR was different. Somehow the adult me appeared in the back seat of the car. Adult Orodo grabbed father by the collar, and started to choke the living shit out of him. In addition to my appearance on the scene, my mother shows up. She takes the boy (lil' orodo)away from this scene. The cops show up. The cops take him away, smiling, in handcuffs. The next thing i know, i'm back in the back seat of Father's car, and i look in the rear view mirror. Guess who i see. Mary, Mother of God. And she's trying to tell me something. But i can't hear her. I'm getting frustrated. Therapist brings me back, come to find out, I really need to go the bathroom....I stumbled into the bathroom, did my business, and returned. But i don't know how I did the business in the bathroom. I don't remember it at all. Back to the chair, and I'm talking to Mary back in the rear view mirror. I'm asking her a million questions at once. Like, why is she here and not Jesus? Where was Jesus these days anyways, i could have really used him just now. And finally I can hear her. She tells me Jesus was there. Forgiving. She told me that just because someone is forgiven, however, does NOT MEAN THAT THEY GO TO HEAVEN. Major breakthru...
She says to me that I do have all the answers to my own questions. I need to find them for myself. She tells me that there will be other victims of FAther, but there will also be other survivors. And that I must find the strength to help myself before I can help any of them. She tells me I need patience, and that I am not responsible for Father's actions and behaviors after he had abused me. She said she loves me very much. She says she sent my guardian angel to cause the auto collision, and made sure that I would not be hurt. I was never hurt physically from the car collision. But she said the scene that was coming after could not be allowed to happen to one so young and innnocent. She said I have the courage, willpower, and truth already sufficient to help myself and all those who are near and dear to me. And she told me to keep praying the "Hail Mary" for peace on earth. Another breakthrough for me.
We ended with one final session, to get me to a safe place. I imagined myself driving. Driving fast, and far, alone. In my old car. I saw my adult self getting into the car, and telling my wife and family that I need some time for me. And that I would be back, and would feel better then. And I did. I left, came back, and felt better. The only thing I wanted for was to have someone there with me, just one special person. And she was not there, even though I wanted her to come driving with me. Therapist perceived this to be my "negative voice" coming around, so we ended, backing up to the visualization of me driving alone, happy.
This is not bullshit you guys. I feel peace and tranquility like I have never felt before. I have had only one cigar all day. I had been afraid that I was going to go out and drink after this session, or do something foolish and regrettable. But i didn't. My body was feeling very numb, cold, and I was shaking like a leaf. I got in the car, and suddenly I was less anxious. I was calm even. Called my wife, told her what happened. She offered to come get me, but I said I would be ok, and offered to go get her some lunch. She declined, but I made up and excuse to go hug and kiss her at work. Tonight was a typical night at the Orodo household, with a football game, homework, dinner, lunches, laundry, baths etc to be done. I got through all that incredibly fast, and never lost my kewl once. My kids were very demanding, begging, whining etc, and i did not yell scream or threaten them with time outs, grounding, etc. I simply told them that if they cannot follow the rules and listen and get along, then they will be forgiven, but they will not continue to enjoy all of the priveleges they've managed to squeeze out of me. The wife was horny as usual, and all over me from the moment I got home. I actually layed down on the bed withher and watched TV with her for 1/2 hour. And i told her I hated doing that, cuz that would be the time i would want to talk to her, and all she wants to do is WATCH TV. So she has asked me to come to bed early, since I've done so much work today, and I'll get special backrub. We'll see about that one...
So in two weeks, i go back to deal with flushing out the emotions tied to my other abuse and abusers. I feel like i have come so far. I feel like i still have so far to go. I have not forgotten what happened. Hardly. I can see it in my mind quite clearly. However, I know now that I don't have to and don't need to act on every emotion i've found. It's good to have these feelings. But let them out. Don't keep them inside. Give them away. Find the strength and courage to keep others safe from this every happening to anyone else. What's done is done, cannot be undone. I will learn from it, I will teach, I will defend, I will be strong, I will stay strong. I can do it. I have what I need. And he will be stopped.
Wow.
Sorry so long winded.
It helped me to write it all down. No replies necessary. Take what you need, leave what you don't need ok?
BE WELL STAY WELL BE STRONG STAY STRONG
Orodo
I've been working with this therapist since mid August, building rapport, trust and the like. A couple of weeks ago, she did a "trial" EMDR session to see how well it might work for me. The first session we "installed" the quality of assertiveness, ability to say "no", self confidence and the like. I used, (sit down fo this) Donald Rumsfeld as my "mentor" or role model. STrange, I know, but you cannot imagine how it well it worked.
Today, we planned to work on dealing with some sexual abuse, and "flush out" the emotions attached to the abuse. I held two "nodes", one in left hand and one in right hand. These nodes vibrate in an alternating pattern, right hand, left hand. I was sitting in a nice comfy LA-Z-BOY recliner. I relaxed. The pulses began. While the pulses in my hands occured, she asked me to visualize myself as a little boy, after mass, when I was about 9 years old. She asked me to visualize and repeat back to her what was happening. I remembered a great deal more details than ever before. I remembered that my first abuse occured after a wedding. I was an Altar Boy in the Catholic Church, served for weddings on saturday mornings. The groom had come in to the sacristy, given Father and evelope, and gave me a five dollar bill for serving at the wedding. The groom left, as did the best man. I was alone with Father. He wanted me to go out to breakfast with him at McDonalds, as was the custom, after having served Saturday AM. So he asked me to hurry, and get out of my Alb. I was still kinda unco-ordinated when it came to this task. So Father offered to help me out. He pulled the cassock up over my head. He told me how nicely dressed i was, how I made such a nice looking altar boy. He asked me for a hug. I let him hug me. Then he hugged me harder. His hands wandered. His hands wandered into my pockets. He touched my privates through the pants pockets. I remember getting hard. In the here and now, I really was getting hard. It hurt then and for some reason it hurt again. His hands wandered some more, up over my pants, into my pants, and into my underwear. He felt for me, he found me. He pulled on me. He pulled hard, until it got really hard. And he jerked me off, for what seemed like forever. At this point, my T stopped the pulses. She pulled me back ( I was crying by now, and my crotch hurt really bad, and I was a little wet). Now she told me to walk into the Sacristy, as me, here and now, adult size Orodo. So there I went. She told me to rescue the little boy. Save him. Protect him, like no one else did way back then. And I did. I barged into the back of the Church, grabbed the boy away from Father, grabbed Father's head, headlock, then smashed his nose and face down into my knee. Father got a broken, bloody nose, and passed out on the floor. The boy was wide eyed, crying a little, and biting his nails. Therapist then told me, the rescue was not complete, the boy was now safe, but needed more from me. So I went back and told him "it was not your fault, don't feel like you were caught, cuz you did not do anything wrong, it's ok if it felt good, Father musta thought he was helping you, but he was really helping himself a little too much, and that the boy should never ever let anyone touch him there again, and that he would be believed and kept safe if he told the next time it happened. "
It was incredible. I saved the little boy inside.
Then I flashed over to an incident at the McDonalds, which happened after the last time FAther abused me. I remembered being in FAther's car, and 1974 Red dodge Dart, with bald tires. AFter breakfast, Father was going to bring me home. The boy (me)I sat in the front, passenger side. Father reached over and put his hand on the boys' thigh, and moved toward his crotch. Father asked if the boy liked boys or girls better. What happened in reality was that Father put the car into reverse and got into a rear-end collision. What happened during the EMDR was different. Somehow the adult me appeared in the back seat of the car. Adult Orodo grabbed father by the collar, and started to choke the living shit out of him. In addition to my appearance on the scene, my mother shows up. She takes the boy (lil' orodo)away from this scene. The cops show up. The cops take him away, smiling, in handcuffs. The next thing i know, i'm back in the back seat of Father's car, and i look in the rear view mirror. Guess who i see. Mary, Mother of God. And she's trying to tell me something. But i can't hear her. I'm getting frustrated. Therapist brings me back, come to find out, I really need to go the bathroom....I stumbled into the bathroom, did my business, and returned. But i don't know how I did the business in the bathroom. I don't remember it at all. Back to the chair, and I'm talking to Mary back in the rear view mirror. I'm asking her a million questions at once. Like, why is she here and not Jesus? Where was Jesus these days anyways, i could have really used him just now. And finally I can hear her. She tells me Jesus was there. Forgiving. She told me that just because someone is forgiven, however, does NOT MEAN THAT THEY GO TO HEAVEN. Major breakthru...
She says to me that I do have all the answers to my own questions. I need to find them for myself. She tells me that there will be other victims of FAther, but there will also be other survivors. And that I must find the strength to help myself before I can help any of them. She tells me I need patience, and that I am not responsible for Father's actions and behaviors after he had abused me. She said she loves me very much. She says she sent my guardian angel to cause the auto collision, and made sure that I would not be hurt. I was never hurt physically from the car collision. But she said the scene that was coming after could not be allowed to happen to one so young and innnocent. She said I have the courage, willpower, and truth already sufficient to help myself and all those who are near and dear to me. And she told me to keep praying the "Hail Mary" for peace on earth. Another breakthrough for me.
We ended with one final session, to get me to a safe place. I imagined myself driving. Driving fast, and far, alone. In my old car. I saw my adult self getting into the car, and telling my wife and family that I need some time for me. And that I would be back, and would feel better then. And I did. I left, came back, and felt better. The only thing I wanted for was to have someone there with me, just one special person. And she was not there, even though I wanted her to come driving with me. Therapist perceived this to be my "negative voice" coming around, so we ended, backing up to the visualization of me driving alone, happy.
This is not bullshit you guys. I feel peace and tranquility like I have never felt before. I have had only one cigar all day. I had been afraid that I was going to go out and drink after this session, or do something foolish and regrettable. But i didn't. My body was feeling very numb, cold, and I was shaking like a leaf. I got in the car, and suddenly I was less anxious. I was calm even. Called my wife, told her what happened. She offered to come get me, but I said I would be ok, and offered to go get her some lunch. She declined, but I made up and excuse to go hug and kiss her at work. Tonight was a typical night at the Orodo household, with a football game, homework, dinner, lunches, laundry, baths etc to be done. I got through all that incredibly fast, and never lost my kewl once. My kids were very demanding, begging, whining etc, and i did not yell scream or threaten them with time outs, grounding, etc. I simply told them that if they cannot follow the rules and listen and get along, then they will be forgiven, but they will not continue to enjoy all of the priveleges they've managed to squeeze out of me. The wife was horny as usual, and all over me from the moment I got home. I actually layed down on the bed withher and watched TV with her for 1/2 hour. And i told her I hated doing that, cuz that would be the time i would want to talk to her, and all she wants to do is WATCH TV. So she has asked me to come to bed early, since I've done so much work today, and I'll get special backrub. We'll see about that one...
So in two weeks, i go back to deal with flushing out the emotions tied to my other abuse and abusers. I feel like i have come so far. I feel like i still have so far to go. I have not forgotten what happened. Hardly. I can see it in my mind quite clearly. However, I know now that I don't have to and don't need to act on every emotion i've found. It's good to have these feelings. But let them out. Don't keep them inside. Give them away. Find the strength and courage to keep others safe from this every happening to anyone else. What's done is done, cannot be undone. I will learn from it, I will teach, I will defend, I will be strong, I will stay strong. I can do it. I have what I need. And he will be stopped.
Wow.
Sorry so long winded.
It helped me to write it all down. No replies necessary. Take what you need, leave what you don't need ok?
BE WELL STAY WELL BE STRONG STAY STRONG
Orodo
