Embarrassed

[Inlimbo]

Hello I'm a 52 year old guy who has been engaged for 5 years and my fiancee has a 20 yr old son and a 15 yr old daughter who I get on really well with ,
Last year it was a normal eve I went over to pick my stepdaughter up don't want her coming home in the dark so I arrived but she wasn't outside as normal so rang the doorbell I stepped I side the next thing I know I see a blur of girls coming towards me knocking me down and I felt handcuffs go on me and was helped up and taken into a bedroom , I was fuming saying what the f.... Is going on my stepdaughter and five of her friends was there including the ringleader a girl that was always trouble , she told me to shut the f.. Up with that I was held down and stripped from the waist down and put in the bed with let's call her hand the ringleader sitting on top of my chest , I heard her say go on then do it now or else my legs were raised and .my stepdaughter spanked .me hard while a other played with me the shame was very intense as I cried out much to everyone's amusement.
Once that had finished one of the girls have me oral ,then the worst part was my stepdaughter climbing on top of me I begged her not too but she was too scared of Jane and as she lowered herself into me ,have said hope u enjoy this as she inserted a strapon into me that was very painful along with all the laughter the humiliation was unbearable it seemed to go on for ages, my phone had been going off a lot too ,when I was realised i.said you are all in so much trouble ,Jane said six against one to what happened here tonight
We left and she broke down in the car and was really scared I didn't k is what to say it do of course we say down with her mum she couldn't believe what she was hearing crying of course , we didn't go to the police I couldn't go through it all in court and she did what she did out of fear ,but now if course I look at her differently and now my fiancee looks at my differently knowing what went on ,I'm in councillling as is my stepdaughter,things are difficult for all of us and I'm not sure if we will get through this I love my fiancee very much but things have really changed ,would appreciate any advice on this please
Thank you

 

[Jonny999]

Wow, that's soo scary. Reading between the lines a bit, I get the idea that your step daughter and your fiance know about your past? The abuse you suffered? If thus is the case, one of them may have let the cat out if the bag and if so it would stand to reason that perhaps at least one of the girlfriends are being abused, or have been in the recent past. Maybe acting out, trying on the other shoe, In a manner of speaking. I agree the going to the cops might not be the best choice of action. The fact the your fiance is so understanding says another about your relationship, as something like this could have completely destroyed everything. Being in therapy is a good thing and I would recommend that the stepdaughter and your fiance also start as well. The other kids will need to be told something appropriate to their ages, as rumors can be very damaging at young ages. The therapist can help there. I would attempt to have the stepdaughter avoid all contact with the girlfriends if possible., but therapy can better advise as to how to deal with that. I'm afraid it's not a lot to go on from me, but it's the first few things I would do after something like that. Don't give up on this relationship, I think it is worth the hard work and the feelings of inadequacy will get easier to deal with. What the girlfriends did was wrong, but it might have also been a weird cry for help. In what ever you decide to do we are here for you, and are always willing to listen and maybe a few cents worth of our thoughts. Hugs and kisses, keep strong.

 

[Silverhand]

I am so sorry this happened to you.

I agree that I don't think going to the police would help at this point. Not withstanding how hard it would be on you emotionally, I just don't think the police could do much to help you. Given that this was last year, it would be hard to get much physical evidence, and as Jane threatened, it would be six against one (maybe 5 against 2 if your fiancé's daughter confessed).

That said, I have some personal experience with staying in a relationship with a former abuser, and it can work, but it needs to be based on the truth. More specifically, the fiancé's daughter will need to be honest about why she did what she did. If she just says whatever she needs to in order to avoid consequences, but then the real truth comes out later, that could blow up the whole family dynamic. Secondly, you will need to be honest with yourself about whether you can really forgive her. I know that the actual forgiveness will take time, but as best as you can you ought to figure out ASAP if this is something that you will be able to forgive in time. If you can't forgive it, or just pretend to, it will eventually start damaging your relationship with your fiance and/or her daughter.

One other thing to consider is the other girls. Even if you can forgive your fiancé's daughter, you may still run into those friends. I don't know what their relationship to the daughters is exactly, but it is reasonably likely that if you stay you will run into them again at some point. Even if you get the daughter to cut ties with them, you could still run into them at school/community event (high school graduation, sport's matches). I don't know if moving is an option, but if you can't you should at least prepare yourself for the possibility of running into the other perpetrators.

I don't mean to sound so negative here, but I think it will help you make the right choices for you if you think about these issues on the front end.

 

[BasementBoy]

I would like to say after reading this and I'm still trying to process it from the information gathered - this may fall into the lines of "Child Exploitation" even if it has been a year since the day of the assault.

Regardless of whether you are the victim; I would still recommend filing a report with police (if you do not feel comfortable going to them - possibly Missing and Exploited Childrens Center may be of assistance).

I'm not sure since you are the victim how this would handled criminally - and I cannot offer legal advice. I would recommend the staff of Male Survivor take a look at this thread to see what could be done or any recommendations. This is a really bad story @Inlimbo. And of course - as a member of MaleSurvivor you have come to the right place as we welcome all members of abuse and survivors.

I'm just left wondering if there is anything we can do to help. We want to help - and those of us know how hard it is to deal with law enforcement when we are the victims of acts as we feel that our voice is not being heard - but in this case there has to be something that could be done.

Haneious acts such as this I don't believe (correct me if I'm wrong) have a statue of limitations - so even a year after the assault - justice can be served. Just look at what scout leaders for former Boy Scouts Troops are facing.

Anyway, I will say a prayer tonight and hope things work out for you.

Welcome to MaleSurvivor.

Blessings In Christ,
Honeeecombs

 

[betrayed boy]

Wow, that's soo scary. Reading between the lines a bit, I get the idea that your step daughter and your fiance know about your past? The abuse you suffered? If thus is the case, one of them may have let the cat out if the bag and if so it would stand to reason that perhaps at least one of the girlfriends are being abused, or have been in the recent past. Maybe acting out, trying on the other shoe, In a manner of speaking. I agree the going to the cops might not be the best choice of action. The fact the your fiance is so understanding says another about your relationship, as something like this could have completely destroyed everything. Being in therapy is a good thing and I would recommend that the stepdaughter and your fiance also start as well. The other kids will need to be told something appropriate to their ages, as rumors can be very damaging at young ages. The therapist can help there. I would attempt to have the stepdaughter avoid all contact with the girlfriends if possible., but therapy can better advise as to how to deal with that. I'm afraid it's not a lot to go on from me, but it's the first few things I would do after something like that. Don't give up on this relationship, I think it is worth the hard work and the feelings of inadequacy will get easier to deal with. What the girlfriends did was wrong, but it might have also been a weird cry for help. In what ever you decide to do we are here for you, and are always willing to listen and maybe a few cents worth of our thoughts. Hugs and kisses, keep strong.

this sounded ok till the hugs and KISSES part I've seen hugs lots of times but the KISSES part is a new one on me and if addressed to me would make me super uncomfortable to say the least

 

[Inlimbo]

Wow, that's soo scary. Reading between the lines a bit, I get the idea that your step daughter and your fiance know about your past? The abuse you suffered? If thus is the case, one of them may have let the cat out if the bag and if so it would stand to reason that perhaps at least one of the girlfriends are being abused, or have been in the recent past. Maybe acting out, trying on the other shoe, In a manner of speaking. I agree the going to the cops might not be the best choice of action. The fact the your fiance is so understanding says another about your relationship, as something like this could have completely destroyed everything. Being in therapy is a good thing and I would recommend that the stepdaughter and your fiance also start as well. The other kids will need to be told something appropriate to their ages, as rumors can be very damaging at young ages. The therapist can help there. I would attempt to have the stepdaughter avoid all contact with the girlfriends if possible., but therapy can better advise as to how to deal with that. I'm afraid it's not a lot to go on from me, but it's the first few things I would do after something like that. Don't give up on this relationship, I think it is worth the hard work and the feelings of inadequacy will get easier to deal with. What the girlfriends did was wrong, but it might have also been a weird cry for help. In what ever you decide to do we are here for you, and are always willing to listen and maybe a few cents worth of our thoughts. Hugs and kisses, keep strong.

Thank you Johnny appreciate your message

 

[Inlimbo]

I am so sorry this happened to you.

I agree that I don't think going to the police would help at this point. Not withstanding how hard it would be on you emotionally, I just don't think the police could do much to help you. Given that this was last year, it would be hard to get much physical evidence, and as Jane threatened, it would be six against one (maybe 5 against 2 if your fiancé's daughter confessed).

That said, I have some personal experience with staying in a relationship with a former abuser, and it can work, but it needs to be based on the truth. More specifically, the fiancé's daughter will need to be honest about why she did what she did. If she just says whatever she needs to in order to avoid consequences, but then the real truth comes out later, that could blow up the whole family dynamic. Secondly, you will need to be honest with yourself about whether you can really forgive her. I know that the actual forgiveness will take time, but as best as you can you ought to figure out ASAP if this is something that you will be able to forgive in time. If you can't forgive it, or just pretend to, it will eventually start damaging your relationship with your fiance and/or her daughter.

One other thing to consider is the other girls. Even if you can forgive your fiancé's daughter, you may still run into those friends. I don't know what their relationship to the daughters is exactly, but it is reasonably likely that if you stay you will run into them again at some point. Even if you get the daughter to cut ties with them, you could still run into them at school/community event (high school graduation, sport's matches). I don't know if moving is an option, but if you can't you should at least prepare yourself for the possibility of running into the other perpetrators.

I don't mean to sound so negative here, but I think it will help you make the right choices for you if you think about these issues on the front end.

Thank you for your comments I take everything on board of what has had been said I don't know what to do just yet

 

[Inlimbo]

I would like to say after reading this and I'm still trying to process it from the information gathered - this may fall into the lines of "Child Exploitation" even if it has been a year since the day of the assault.

Regardless of whether you are the victim; I would still recommend filing a report with police (if you do not feel comfortable going to them - possibly Missing and Exploited Childrens Center may be of assistance).

I'm not sure since you are the victim how this would handled criminally - and I cannot offer legal advice. I would recommend the staff of Male Survivor take a look at this thread to see what could be done or any recommendations. This is a really bad story @Inlimbo. And of course - as a member of MaleSurvivor you have come to the right place as we welcome all members of abuse and survivors.

I'm just left wondering if there is anything we can do to help. We want to help - and those of us know how hard it is to deal with law enforcement when we are the victims of acts as we feel that our voice is not being heard - but in this case there has to be something that could be done.

Haneious acts such as this I don't believe (correct me if I'm wrong) have a statue of limitations - so even a year after the assault - justice can be served. Just look at what scout leaders for former Boy Scouts Troops are facing.

Anyway, I will say a prayer tonight and hope things work out for you.

Welcome to MaleSurvivor.

Blessings In Christ,
Honeeecombs

Thank you honeeycomes, it really is difficult to know what to do for the best where do I start and I don't think I could go through with court proceedings and putting stepdaughter through it as well

 

[Jonny999]

this sounded ok till the hugs and KISSES part I've seen hugs lots of times but the KISSES part is a new one on me and if addressed to me would make me super uncomfortable to say the least

I'm sorry, it's just a saying that I use often, I didn't mean anything by it.

 

[betrayed boy]

its cool it just took me by surprise I guess

 

[Khabeni]

I'm sorry for what you went through. I don't know if the police would be any help. They would probably just blame you, since we as men aren't allowed to be victims of anything.

 

[Survivor78]

My question would be : What is your g/f like to have a daughter like this? I'd be questioning the relationship thoroughly.

 

[Gsnymede]

I'm a little bit late to be replying to this thread. Anyway... I'm so sorry that you were put through something like this. This behaviour by the stepdaughter is completely abnormal and shocking. She valued peer pressure far more than your wellbeing and her mother's relationship, and behaved in a way that was cruel and sexually deviated - towards her father figure! This goes very far beyond the level of normal discipline/respect issues. What sort of parent is your fiance that her daughter behaves like this? For your own wellbeing, you would do best to leave the relationship altogether and end contact with that family. Can you truly imagine trying to help raise the daughter and act as a father to her now?!

As for the police/courts ... Other members have correctly advised that it would indeed be either the word of six against one or five against two and that chances would not be good - then there is the gender double standard that will certainly make the police less inclined to take it seriously. Maybe see if you can get a lawyer's advice though. You could get advice without actually pressing charges.

Wishing you the best of luck.

 

[lapchinj]

I'm sorry this happened to you. I have to agree with the others that going to the police will do nothing except be emotionally hurtful to you. I think therapy for all three of you would be in order to figure out how to handle this at home.

 

[Gsnymede]

Sorry, but how could it possibly be a good idea for the OP to stay in this relationship after being tortured and raped by the fiance's daughter? It's not an ordinary domestic problem, it is beyond messed up. There is nothing salvageable in such a situation. It is really not a good idea to stay in an abusive relationship whatever the circumstances, but this case is shocking on more than one level.

Edit - Sorry guys, I forgot to add the most important point. In many jurisdictions, a perpetrator can turn themselves in and then it is a possibility (depending on the jurisdiction) for the District Attorney or equivalent to build a case without the victim having to testify in court. Why didn't the fiance encourage the stepdaughter to turn herself in? From the information we have, I can only infer that the fiance is not really on the side of the victim or on the side of the law. All the more reason for the OP to leave the relationship. I hope I do not seem cantankerous, but I am not sure why all the respondents except for Survivor78 are encouraging OP to stay in the relationship. I suspect there would be more outrage expressed if the perpetrator had been a boy or a young man.