eEverything I ever wanted

[dark empathy]

Well this is just to say that yes, sometimes miracles do happen.

As of a week last monday my star, L, moved in for two weeks before going back to the states.

I find it hard to write about this time, not because it was difficult, but because it was very, very precious and between the two of us.
It's safe to say (as I said in the progress forum), that when it came to it my genophobia was not a problem, indeed given that L knows my history it surprised us both just how quickly things moved, however as I said in the other post, I never realized just how much pleasure and how much love I could give to another person, indeed much of the ways we interacted were simply about how much we loved each other.

We just clicked, in the way I've always wanted, whether watching starwars, singing duettes or cooking and washing dishes together, indeed it almost shocks me the way that for all it still astonishes me anyone could feel this way about me, L feels very much the same, indeed she said she always wanted a partner who was gentle.

I just feel now as if literally there is part of me missing, sinse we can't be together due to the rules of immigration, for all I'll be going over to the states for Christmas and then L will be coming back here on a more perminant basis.

I won't say my history was nothing, but it almost became something else casual, something we just discussed as and when it came up (often for a practical reason), indeed on one occasion I did have a miner nightmare and instinctively just screamed L's name to wake up with her holding me.

I've always said all I ever wanted was someone who loved me, and now honestly, much as I currently feel as if I have an arm missing, I'm more content than I've ever been in my life, indeed Shadow seems like a bad memory, indeed this just proves my counselor was right, I just needed the opportunity, indeed the only thing I'm worried about is that I'll be inadequate, ---- ironic as it happens sinse L has the same fear.

Thanks to everyone who had to take my bitterness and venting and apathy and so on. I won't say this is the last you'll see me on ms, but hopefully we'll all be seeing less of Shadow from now on.

 

[focusedbody]

Luke:

Your post is deeply moving.

Thank you for all you have written and for the courage it took to do so.

Perhaps it was your loquaciousness (sorry had to use the word). Perhaps it was your trust that in letting it rip someone would respond.

The voice inside us is not pretty. It has felt things that remain closed and frightened. When there is space to let the words come on a breath that is violent and worn, there is possibility that the pain will end, or at least abate in human grace.

Many well wishes,

FB

 

[dark empathy]

Thanks fb, that's a beautiful response.

It amazes me that for all L has probably seen more of my darker side than most people it neither frightens nor discourages her, indeed she loves my darker poetry as much as the beautiful stuff I've written (far less of the latter but hopefully that will change).

There is something profoundly frightening in just how much I trust L however, and indeed how much she trusts me in return, in fact this is so intensive it actively scares me, particularly sinse much as L does have hidden steelinside her despite all her gentleness, she still is exceedingly gentle, though that oddly enough is one of the things she admires most in me as well.

Actually while we are not identical, the similarities between us are fairly extreme even down to food preferences. L for instance is equally as loquacious as I am, for ll that one thing we've actively learnt to share together which surprised both of us is silence.