Eerie Feelings (Trigger)

Eerie Feelings (Trigger)
Bill_1965

Bill_1965

For as long as can remember, I would get this eerie feeling when I walked into some party stores and small markets. When I had these feelings, I would leave and go to another store. I don't know how to explain these feelings, other than a mixture of fear, anxiety and disgust. Eerie. I never connected those feelings to anything, just accepted them and went on.

Recently I have began to wonder if they have a connection to my first SA. At the time, 11 y.o., I was working the back of a news truck, which included dropping off papers to the stores in the area. I have no conscious memories of that time period, they end after the first assualt when he was cleaning me up and trying to get the elastic band from my underwear off (the only piece of clothing he wasn't able to tear off me). I remember him telling me to give it to him and he getting very angry that I wouldn't. Then the memories end, I don't know if he got that band or not, and the next 3-4 months are gone.

I wonder if the two are connected. Why else would I get these eerie feelings that make me leave a store as soon I enter them?

Bill
 
Hey Bill - I think you have something there! I'd persue it with my T. Take it easy and don't push, these memories seem to fall out or shoot out! Good luck!!!

Howard
 
Bill- i have smell associations - when someone becomes abusive towards me - either ea or someone is getting physical/sexual with me in a transgressive way - i smell the abuse - or i associate with the person
the smell of the person who first abused me -
i smell this smell a lot - even
if i am just around them -

i do not know why this happens
 
Hi Bill,

Sorry that you have to have those uncomfortable feelings. It does sound like perhaps it has something to do with your past. I hope that you can discover what it means, to bring yourself some peace of mind. I wish you well, and good luck.

Leosha
 
Bill - there were missing links in my memory regarding my abuse. One of the things that confused me, was that I had a very protective dog when my abuser started grooming me and I couldn't understand how it ended up with just me & him, whilst I had left my dog at home.

My therapy started only very recently, and the main way that I deal with it is by writing it down before I go to the session. When I started typing up the parts about how the abuse started, it was like 12 year old me took over the keyboard.

What I realised was that he asked me to take the dog home so that it wouldn't be upset by the air rifles being fired. See were were going target shooting!

I think you're on the right track - don't be frightened to follow it through.

Best wishes ...Rik
 
******TRIGGER*********TRIGGER*********TRIGGER*********TRIGGER******

Ive been exploring the fear I get when I walk into certain party stores. A couple of weeks ago a thought came to me out of the blue, maybe there was a connection between party stores and my first perp. Last week I started to get this feeling that I was shared by my first perp.

I have be poking around in dark corners of my mind, taking a look at it, and doing a little muscle testing on my own. I have done this on several occasions and stop when I begin to shake. Then go into some deep breathing exercises, relaxation techniques, and a couple of mgs of ativan. The flashbacks that I have caused have been fairly mild and short lived. Yesterday I almost cried, came real close, that would have been the first time I cried for my SA. Today I didnt take it that far. Maybe some more this weekend, but I need a couple of days rest.

**TRIGGER**BEGINS**********TRIGGER**BEGINS**********TRIGGER**BEGINS**

I will re-cap the first part of my first SA, for those that dont know. I went to work at age 10, just before my 11th birthday, prepubescent at the time. I worked the back of a newspaper truck, tossing papers to the carriers and newsstands. Part of the job was to run them into the stores. The newspaper was an afternoon paper Monday through Friday and a early morning newspaper on the weekend. To prevent any problems and make everything easier, I was to stay with him during the weekend. During the first or second night, which happens to be the weekend of my 11th birthday, he tore my clothes of me, the only thing that remained on my body was the elastic band that I held tight in my fist. He laid next to me and masturbated onto me. Afterwards in the bathroom while he was washing me up he wanted that elastic band that I was holding onto so tightly. He got very anger when I wouldnt give it up, and his anger grew, until, poof, all memories cease there in the bathroom with me holding the elastic. 3-4 months later, the next thing I know it is fall and I am on a bus with my mother going to therapy. I never said a word in those sessions, just drew mens faces.

This weeks discoveries have confirmed a lot of my suspensions and provided new insight into what happened all those months. This is what I have so far. Yes, I fought will all my might to keep my clothes on. It did last more than that one time I can remember. He did get that elastic band off me by threatening me. (Dont yet know what that threat was.) During the summer he preformed oral sex on me and continued to ejaculate onto me. He shared me with guys from two different party stores. They too preformed orally and masturbated onto me. This doesnt appear to have happened at the party stores, but that is were the guys came from.

The events of the summer are coming together. I dont want to bite too much of it off at once, and overload myself. But there are a lot of questions and answers in there. What was so threatening that it kept me quiet?

And the lessons I have already learned are yet again proved correct: 1) It was not my fault . 2) I didnt do anything wrong . 3) I have done nothing to be ashamed of .

Bill
 
bill,
that last one of your in the thread really shook me. it took a great deal of strength to do what you did in facing that. i am really proud of you. take care, and take it very easy on yourself.
 
Bill I am sorry for what happened. In a way, however, it is ok to remember because it is much easier to deal with the filth that you know than what you do not. The memories have reinforced in you that it was never your fault. And that is huge because now that you remember your emotions about self will change around what your subconscious has held for so long.
((((((((((((((((BILL)))))))))))))))))))))
 
Bill
did anyone tell you this was going to be easy ?

It's not is it ? but it's worth it, from the bottom of my soul Bill let me tell you it's worth it.

You're doing the work, the results follow shortly.

Dave
 
Let's see, who told me this was going to be easy, wasn't that you Dave? Just kidding. Not too much that is easy about it, just very rewarding.

I went into a party store today to get a sandwich for lunch today. Shook bad and had to force myself to breathe; but I continued and got my sandwich and milk. There is no reason to be afraid of this party store, so why let it scare me. Maybe I bit off too much, I stuttered for a good part of the afternoon. Oops. Babysteps.

Bill
 
I am so sorry that this happened to you, Bill, but now you're getting part of your life back. You're also believeing the most important things. It WASN'T your fault. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. These men USED you and threatened you. It's no wonder you stayed quiet.

I am so proud of you for facing this. You're not facing it alone.

I'm here and I care.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Bill - I appreciate that it is taking a lot of inner strength for you to post the details of your SA here. I am more than sorry that you had the experiences that you did.

One thing that I would say is that since I started therapy, I have cried properly 3 times (I can't remember a time previously that I had been able to do that - there are many times that I should have).

The first time was when I demanded therapy - after I left the doctor's, I just sat in my car and sobbed...the noise was horrible but I felt a hell of a lot better afterwards.

The second time was after my first therapy session - again it had been such a release that I was finally doing something to help myself.

The third time was when I started my first topic here & came back to find so many positive responses.

Men do cry, can cry and should cry when they have a reason to do so - for me it was such a release of stored up pain and proved that I was becoming human again.

Best wishes - you can get through this ...Rik
 
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