earning trust and anger
trust is so hard when you have been on the bottom for so long. I have a lot of hate for the stereotypes people allow themselves to fall into, i have contempt for people who allow thier world to be defined for them. I hate them because they dont ever have to really trust anyone, they just follow the rules and expect everything to happen the way it should. You drink with your buddies if your a guy, you gossip with your friends if your a girl, you respect your parents you do this and do that but most never learn what trust really is. For me trust has always been a balance between too hard and too soft. People who are too hard are dead inside, people who are too soft cant accept the reality of who i am and what ive been through. It is like you can have either love or acceptance, not both. I hate the way people just look like they have been smacked in the face when you tell them about incest. They should be supporting you, you shouldnt have to explain yourself. Soldiers dont have to explain who they are, what they have been through. If you have PTSS from vietnam you get veterans benifits, if you have PTSS from sexual abuse people just call you crazy behind your back. I can forgive people for being what they are, but not for what they have done. I could have been in the militaries nuclear program, i could have been putting myself through medical school or learning advanced computer science, but instead, because of who i am, because of what ive been through and the things i have seen, those opportunities have not only been denied to me, but they have lost thier appeal. I dont want to be another slave to a consumer driven society, i want to produce something of value, and i am so sick of people calling the state of the world "human nature" With some of the things i am learning about the origins of christianity, about the rise and fall of empires in ancient europe, i am beggining to see that people who want a positive society, who want a life and a world driven by something other than greed or power, they have to stand up for themselves. The hardest part about standing up is believing that you have a right to, that you are worth it. I deserve to live! and I deserve Love! And so do all of you! Its our own destinies we decide here, we come together because we choose compassion over hatred, we choose peace over violence, life over death, and intimacy over violation. I am so SICK of being jaded. I am so sick of having to move mountains to find people who care about what is happening in thier world. And im PISSED off at what my mother did to me, and I am not going to hide it. Nothing in my life was normal, nobody in my house was a good person, they were all horrible people who acted like monsters. I dont know how something as good and beutiful as i am could have ever come from them, but i deserve to live, i deserve to EXIST. It doesnt matter if my mother didnt love me, i survived, and i am a human being who deserves love and compassion. I am not an animal or a thing, i am alive and thinking and willing myself to love and care about this world. It is hard to say these things over and over, they just dont come out easy, but they are true. If all i can think about is what is wrong and whats going to go wrong i cant get better, but it is so hard when nothing seems right. I felt an inkling of pleasure today as i worked my mortar and layed bricks in class, it was a tiny thing, it kept coming and going, but it was something. For a little while the voice in my head telling me i was worthless shut up. I think at least now i know part of whats causing it, years of verbal and emotional abuse. What kind of a man tells a prepubesent boy that he is weak and worthless to his face, while he is in the midst of a depression so bad he can only go to school half the time? Ill tell you who, a weak drunken man, someone so cowardly he takes his pain out on a kid, someone who is so warped he cant even pick on someone who can defend himself. Fuck you Wes, i mean that from the bottom of my heart. Go to hell. Someday maybe the hell your in will be good enough for me, but right now i hope you keep getting what you deserve out of life until you change or breakdown into little pieces. After all the things i went through, i dont have to prove to anybody im strong, because i am strong. Most soldiers would blow thier brains out if thier macho little egos had to go through what i went through. Every single one of my moms boyfriends were in the military, three of em in vietnam. They would have cracked if they were me, but i clawed my self out of that stinking pit, and FUCK them. They went pussyfooting around in vietnam, they think they are so fucking tough. You almost died? So what, i flirt with death everyday man. Not a day goes by when i dont ask myself, do i want to live today, then muster the strength to say "hell yes!" I kept my hope alive for twenty years in a prison camp i called home. I never heard of soldiers getting raped, but own mother was raping me for what i think had been a long time, over and over again. And i never stuck a needle in my arm, i never put a bullet through my head or anyone elses. I listened to all the softy bullshit, all the denial normal people use to justify how they live thier lives, how it is okay to live in a culture where taking advantage of people is the natural order. I am no longer a victom, nor have i ever been a victomizer, and i wont give in to either.
Whats wrong with the truth? It feels GOOD to be angry when your in the right, and i dont have to be afraid of hurting anyone because i know thats not the kind of person i am. Therapist are always spouting off crap about how anger is okay, it is natural, but how many therpists do you ever think could have at some point put somebodies head through a car window and still felt the same? Thats what anger is, the willingness to do what has to be done for what you believe in. And that is not wrong. Few things could ever be so right. And it is what is annoying me now, that people react to anger by cowering in fear or getting angry "back" at someone, instead of just being there for you, for backing you up and saying, hell yeah, id be pissed off too! How am i supposed to feel angry if everybody wants to run away from it? There is a point where i dont WANT to push it down, even if i know i can. I just want to stand up and say NO! Damn it that not RIGHT! Getting angry when i was living at home actually helped me for a little while, but i realised i couldnt get angry while i was living there, it all just got buried inside and made me want to die. I was exersising for a while, i getting up in the mornings and eating right, but after a little while i just knew i couldnt feel that intense and still live there.
The hardest part about anger is feeling shame and pain at the same time, a lot of times i feel so much pain and shame that i feel like punching something and crying at the same time. I feel ashamed because i am angry.
You know, maybe i should find a cummunity gym or something. I wonder how much it would cost? I felt really good when i was angry and exercising. I would wake up and feel good for a change. Maybe it is time to start again.
Whats wrong with the truth? It feels GOOD to be angry when your in the right, and i dont have to be afraid of hurting anyone because i know thats not the kind of person i am. Therapist are always spouting off crap about how anger is okay, it is natural, but how many therpists do you ever think could have at some point put somebodies head through a car window and still felt the same? Thats what anger is, the willingness to do what has to be done for what you believe in. And that is not wrong. Few things could ever be so right. And it is what is annoying me now, that people react to anger by cowering in fear or getting angry "back" at someone, instead of just being there for you, for backing you up and saying, hell yeah, id be pissed off too! How am i supposed to feel angry if everybody wants to run away from it? There is a point where i dont WANT to push it down, even if i know i can. I just want to stand up and say NO! Damn it that not RIGHT! Getting angry when i was living at home actually helped me for a little while, but i realised i couldnt get angry while i was living there, it all just got buried inside and made me want to die. I was exersising for a while, i getting up in the mornings and eating right, but after a little while i just knew i couldnt feel that intense and still live there.
The hardest part about anger is feeling shame and pain at the same time, a lot of times i feel so much pain and shame that i feel like punching something and crying at the same time. I feel ashamed because i am angry.
You know, maybe i should find a cummunity gym or something. I wonder how much it would cost? I felt really good when i was angry and exercising. I would wake up and feel good for a change. Maybe it is time to start again.