Early recollection and my teacher
reality2k4
Registrant
These memories are coming back from when I was 10yo, and I guess they are the earliest recollection of the self destruction that abuse did to me.
I forget the teachers name, but she loved me, and I loved her, I doted on her at least as much as my mother.
I think she knew I was hurt, I dunno. She just lit me up when she looked at me.
She let me light the fires in the school, little did she know that I was a firebug outside.
But she trusted me to do it, and I did it safely, so she thought it was OK.
She taught me loads, and when she taught anything, it was like we were with her on an adventure in history or geography, or whatever she taught us.
All the kids loved her in class, and she could be always in control.
I guess that I showed her too much affection, and I also guess she would have been the first person that I would have talked to of hurt, I fully trusted her.
She filled such a huge void in my life, by showing pure love to everyone, but I guess I may have overdone it by doting on her, but I was only 10yo.
I remember her coming to class after being called away.
I had the class in uproar, because I had the ability to be the clown, but when I saw her coming back I told the class to quieten down, but they carried on while I put my head in a book.
She seemed to not be herself as she came back to the class, as if she had been crying or something, but this came as a shell shock to me.
She told us that she was leaving the school to go to another post, and she was so sorry to leave all of us.
The question is, did she leave, or was she pushed out, I guess it was the latter, but I can only see that as a man today.
I say that, because I was emotionally reliant on her and hugged her every morning, some of the other kids did, but I worried if she be late in case she did not come to school.
I begged her to stay and so did the other kids, but she said she had to go.
One thing I remember before this, is the Headmaster telling me to sweep leaves in the play area, so I did it, so I went back to class late, and my teacher asked me why?
I told her, and she went and freaked out on the Headmaster.
In hindsight, I reckon, it was because she was too close to kids, or that is how they viewed it, or was it just the Headmaster who did not like me?
Yeah, he used to enjoy giving me the cane for not eating school dinners or anything else he could find to blame me for.
Strange thing is that he used to pretend to like me, then beat me for what little reason he could find so I was scared of him, and he knew it.
I remember he wacked me so hard with a cane with full force I had scars, but I never uttered a breath when he did it, and it made him mad that I was not responding to punishment.
I just looked him in the eye, and he knew he had deeply hurt me. I guess he regretted hurting me that way, but it was his choice to take his anger out on a child who was full of untapped anger, that could come out no other way, other than accept his punishment and just stare at his abuser.
Early on with his beatings, I used to scream and cry out for him to stop, but because I just took it, he never beat me again, and he tried to find a way into me.
Is this early mistrust of male authority, or did I really put him down. If as a boy I could have said to him, I respect you and dont want to be hurt nomore by you, would he have responded.
This was early distrust of male figures in my life, and I guess it backfired on him, and also on me, because he started my distrust of males who had control.
If we look to the key to bullying, you will find that most bullies are jealous of the child or person that they want to know.
When the bully is demanding that you make friends, then it is up to you, but I would rather fight them now that I have the tools to do it,
ste
I forget the teachers name, but she loved me, and I loved her, I doted on her at least as much as my mother.
I think she knew I was hurt, I dunno. She just lit me up when she looked at me.
She let me light the fires in the school, little did she know that I was a firebug outside.
But she trusted me to do it, and I did it safely, so she thought it was OK.
She taught me loads, and when she taught anything, it was like we were with her on an adventure in history or geography, or whatever she taught us.
All the kids loved her in class, and she could be always in control.
I guess that I showed her too much affection, and I also guess she would have been the first person that I would have talked to of hurt, I fully trusted her.
She filled such a huge void in my life, by showing pure love to everyone, but I guess I may have overdone it by doting on her, but I was only 10yo.
I remember her coming to class after being called away.
I had the class in uproar, because I had the ability to be the clown, but when I saw her coming back I told the class to quieten down, but they carried on while I put my head in a book.
She seemed to not be herself as she came back to the class, as if she had been crying or something, but this came as a shell shock to me.
She told us that she was leaving the school to go to another post, and she was so sorry to leave all of us.
The question is, did she leave, or was she pushed out, I guess it was the latter, but I can only see that as a man today.
I say that, because I was emotionally reliant on her and hugged her every morning, some of the other kids did, but I worried if she be late in case she did not come to school.
I begged her to stay and so did the other kids, but she said she had to go.
One thing I remember before this, is the Headmaster telling me to sweep leaves in the play area, so I did it, so I went back to class late, and my teacher asked me why?
I told her, and she went and freaked out on the Headmaster.
In hindsight, I reckon, it was because she was too close to kids, or that is how they viewed it, or was it just the Headmaster who did not like me?
Yeah, he used to enjoy giving me the cane for not eating school dinners or anything else he could find to blame me for.
Strange thing is that he used to pretend to like me, then beat me for what little reason he could find so I was scared of him, and he knew it.
I remember he wacked me so hard with a cane with full force I had scars, but I never uttered a breath when he did it, and it made him mad that I was not responding to punishment.
I just looked him in the eye, and he knew he had deeply hurt me. I guess he regretted hurting me that way, but it was his choice to take his anger out on a child who was full of untapped anger, that could come out no other way, other than accept his punishment and just stare at his abuser.
Early on with his beatings, I used to scream and cry out for him to stop, but because I just took it, he never beat me again, and he tried to find a way into me.
Is this early mistrust of male authority, or did I really put him down. If as a boy I could have said to him, I respect you and dont want to be hurt nomore by you, would he have responded.
This was early distrust of male figures in my life, and I guess it backfired on him, and also on me, because he started my distrust of males who had control.
If we look to the key to bullying, you will find that most bullies are jealous of the child or person that they want to know.
When the bully is demanding that you make friends, then it is up to you, but I would rather fight them now that I have the tools to do it,
ste
