e-mail I received from my mother today

e-mail I received from my mother today
E

EGL

Registrant
Below is an e-mail I received from my mother today. I have not responded to it yet. Any advice and/or comments are welcome.

Are you ready to talk about OUR problem yet? I know you said you would let me know when but if you are not ready by now, I don't think you will ever be. I thought we could talk about anything,you and me . Not so. You are making it very hard on everyone. I know you call and E-mail at times and I am thankful for that. You never mention your Daddy and when you do come you don't speak to him unless you have to. I know I am involved in this too but it seems to me to be more him. Are you trying to live in the past? If you are you will never be happy. Your Daddy and I are getting on up there in age. His health is not good at all.This is not a guilt trip, it's just the truth. Are you happier without us in your life? We not only miss you but Melissa and the girls as well. Nothing has been the same since this started. Are you very sure this is what you want? If it is and you are happier all you have to do is say so. We won't bother you. If you are afraid you will have to take care of us when we are older....you won't. We will take care of each other for as long as we can and then we will do something else. I have been through that. Our kids will NEVER have to take care of us. If I don't hear back on all this I will assume that you are happy the way things are. We love you. Always have ,always will, no matter how you handle this......
 
Sounds like an email my mother would have written to me. My father of course never shared his feelings, thoughts or words with me. It was always done through my mom. Several years ago, my mother wrote a letter that actually made it to me saying "sometimes we all have things buried in our closets which just need to be left alone". That didn't make my day! I love my mom and miss her since her death, but that really upset me.

You've got to do this in your own time because if you are not ready for it, it can make life very tough. I had to break off all contact with my family and thank god no one at the time had email in our family. I wouldn't be quick to write back and take your time in whatever you do decide to do.

I'm not sure what all your mom knows and what happened with you but there may be some legitimate denial from her. Please note, I'm speaking without facts here. Although I will never know, I think my mom knew more what was going on than I realized. At the same time, my father had beaten her enough throughout her life that she was so scared of him. Doesn't necessarily excuse things for me, but it helps me to make sense of it all.

Hopefully you have a therapist that you can talk with concerning this and formulate whatever response it is (whether that is no response, or something you email).

Don
 
That's pretty toxic, passive-agressive ("this is not a guilt trip"), and cold.

Whose fault is it that you have an unhappy past to begin with? Sounds like she pretty much knows that she and your "daddy" are the problem in this relationship and she isn't ready to meet you halfway.

Others might say, however, that this is an invitation for you to clearly outline the boundaries you want in your relationship with your parents. You can do that, if you want to, and not do it with the tone she is using. Then, it really will be up to her to meet you halfway.

She keeps saying, "you this" and "you that." Don't fall into that pit if you communicate with her about boundaries. Just talk about what you want for yourself. Its about what you want, not about what you want her to do or say. You have no control over her. She has no real control over what you do and say either (which, it sounds like, is really pissing her off).

After you've said what you want for yourself, she can say what she wants and a meaningful dialogue can begin.

If she is unwilling to speak in "I" statements, however, there isn't much you can do except take care of yourself and your own family and maybe try again later.

Which, it sounds like, is pretty much what you are doing anyway.
 
Eddie,

it's just like saying, hey forget about the past, it wasn't that bad!!! Toxic, only you know, they really don't get it, expecting you to just forget!

Throwing the guilt and shame back on you, is just what they expect, hey, it wasn't so bad, you should be over it by now.

Hey, it doesn't work that way, but we still have feelings for family, even through denial.

It is so much easier for them to say, hey forget it, but they never have been down that road, so it is so much easier to say, hey, I love you, why are you like this?

Huh, the truth is, they can so easily forget, but to the victim, they never can get it? What emotional abuse they put you through, and you never really can tell them.

Email her back and say, hey, are you not forgetting the things that happened in the past and how they upset me. How I have to live with so much hurt all my life because of your actions, do you not see the hurt?

I am sorry, but this story is so true of people who don't know what they really put into the mind of a child, and it stinks.

sorry you had to get this mail,

ste
 
By the way, "our problem", is their problem, not yours

ste
 
Here's the response I drafted tonight. I haven't sent it yet, but thought I would post it here for some input from you guys. I would really appreciate any thoughts you have on it. I plan to send it to her tomorrow.


I'm not ready to talk about all these things yet, there's so much stuff that I'm still trying to make sense of it myself. I've been seeing a psychologist once a week for about 3 months now. He came highly recommended from the several sources I checked, and has been an enormous help. I can tell he's really sharp and knows what he's doing. He's showing me ways of understanding these things so that finally, it's beginning to make sense to me. Little by little, I'm beginning to feel some bit of worth in my life, to understand that I'm not hopeless.

I know you might think that I don't need to see anyone for whatever I'm dealing with, that whatever is past is past and that I need to get out of the past. For specific reasons that shaped me, I don't process things and events the way others do and I do need help in understanding why that is and to put things in my life in the proper context. This psychologist is more than someone just listening to me rambling on about this, that, and the other. I could just use a tree to talk to if that were the case and save the money. He's helping me to regain some sanity in my life so that I no longer wake up every morning with a sense of doom, crying, and feeling shackled to all the things in life I had no control over. It's easy to say not to live in the past, but quite different to have to try to live each day trying not to remember it all. I came to a turning point where either the past was going to consume me totally, or I was going to have to get help in dealing with it and putting it to rest. I choose the later and am working on that. If you're ashamed to have a son who needs to see a psychologist, then I'm sorry that I have to be that son.

The main thing I'm looking to resolve with all of this, is to fundamentally change the way I view myself. Simply put, I don't like myself, I never have, and there are reasons that I became that way. My accomplishments and abilities in life mean less than nothing to me. The way I interact with others (or fail to), proves to me in my own mind that I'm dysfunctional and can't relate well to others. While I may seem normal on the outside to you and others, there's always been a storm constantly raging in the back of my mind with all these things. I've done a somewhat o.k. job of managing to keep that storm under control and cope with it, but I came to a point where I couldn't manage that any more alone, and sought help in dealing with it.

I don't want to get into any specifics now, because I haven't even had time to truly look at it all myself to understand it. Some of the things you already know about, but many you don't. There's a lot of hurt and pain in some of it, involving many different people and events. Obviously, some of it involves Cheryl, and a good portion involves Robert, among others. Some day I may feel comfortable enough talking to you about it, but for now, I don't know when that will be. An important and difficult part of this for me is having boundaries where I feel safe, and maintaining the control over the disclosure of these things as I feel comfortable with it is important. Melissa knows some of these things, but even she doesn't know a lot of the details - I simply don't feel comfortable enough talking with her about some of it yet, but she knows the majority of it. She hasn't pressed me for any more information than I want to share, and that's been a great help.

I know you want to help in any way you can, and I'm trying to do the best I can to be there for you as well. I'm just asking for some understanding on your part that I didn't get this way overnight, and it isn't going to be fixed overnight. I'm patient and can work this out in time, and I'm hoping y'all can be patient with me as well while I do that.
 
Beautiful.

Its up to her to respond in kind now. In any case, you know where you are at right now and what it is that you need to do to take care of yourself.

You don't have to apologize for the shame she may feel. I'm thinking maybe she doesn't feel that shame anyway.
 
EGL,

Wonderfully written. Seems to express what you want. Very impressive. It's up to her now to react to you within your boundries.

Peace and love,

Dave
 
The letter from your Mom reflects what my Mom said to me about my abuse a few years ago. It angered me and hurt me.

Your reply was great. A lot of the things you said resonated deeply with me. I have had that storm raging in mind a while people were telling me that I was a good person on the outside. A good person is never how I have felt. I have felt anger, hatred, depression, fear, self-loathing... a lot of things but never particulary good about myself or my ability to be human. I feel like I have been isolated my whole life. They say no man is an island but I felt like an island. An island with occasional vistors who would be sent packing in short order anytime they tried to set up roots. I felt like I had to cope with it on my own, particulary after I tried to talk with my family about it and they reacted the way they did.

Meeting my wife changed my life. She is so understanding and non-judgmental. She has allowed me to open up and talk with someone about all of the things I have been feeling. I feel like she knows me and that she will love me regardless of any thing else. It has been so cathartic for me to be with her.

I digress. I am really glad she has given me the courage to confront my issues. It is great to find a place where I can talk freely without fear of judgment with people who understand.
 
EGL you are far kinder than I would have been but that is me.

It is beautifully written. I just hope that she can read between the lines well enough to truly know what you are dealing with. With me I just him them over the head with it and dont give a shit how it upsets them.

Please let us know how this continues to unfold.
 
Here's the reply I received to the above response from my mother last night. It sounds like she's beginning to understand the depth and breadth of this all.

"You do what you have to do. We will be here waiting when you get ready to see us. I'm sorry I didn't understand how deep this went. I only wanted to talk enough so you would come over and feel comfortable. We love you very much. I will not say another word about it to you. When you can talk some, don't worry about hurting us. We can deal with it. You just remember that we love you and will do anything it takes to help you if you need our help. Please don't break all contact with me unless that will help you. If it does ,I will understand and I will still be waiting for you. I love you...."
 
EGL

What a wonderful response. your kind words obviously spoke to your mother. I hope she continues to be patient and understand that you are handling this the best way you can for you.

Keep taking care of yourself and trust that she means the words she wrote.

Ken
 
When you can talk some, don't worry about hurting us.
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Be careful with this. I may be speaking from my own issues and my own situation, but often it seems when issues get to close to something that a parent may or may not have dealt with, they get hurt. I remember what my own parents did when I first started writing letters to them about things (and before I really brought up the rough stuff). They got angry, defensive and pulled all the guilt crap on me they could. It was not an easy time for me but I did survive through it.

I'm not saying your situation will be like mine was, but just be careful. It sounds like she is speaking for your father and I doubt (I may be totally wrong here so forgive me if I am) but I doubt your father would be writing the same words?

Anyway, that's just my reaction to what you posted here.

Don
 
Eddie,

Your response was really wonderful to her. I am glad that her response was somewhat better. I would just be careful with her from now on, because as someone else said, it was rather 'loaded', her saying 'don't worry about hurting us'. You will still feel the need to walk on your toes with your family on all this. But I hope it is going to be all right with her.

leosha
 
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