Dysfunctional marriage

Dysfunctional marriage

WeighedDown

Registrant
Hi all

Been a hard time for me recently in my marriage (or for most of my relationship to my husband to be very honest)

I started dating my husband in January 2012 and we were married in 2015

From early on there were a lot of warning signs and things I should have payed attention to that would have made me realize how dysfunctional our relationship is.

Essentially- he has cheated on me, he has sexted other men, he has secretly called out of work to take secret days off doing who knows what and lost money because of this, and as of this past year he has developed a serious issue with alcoholism which led to him blowing through his entire inheritance that was supposed to be put towards our future together.

The drinking seemed average to me until i started to realize he was hiding it.
Slowly I discovered that he was drinking entire bottles of vodka alone on his days off and eventually leaving work early or not even going so he could drink.
I confronted him multiple times which lead to violence. When he drinks he is NASTY and SCARY.
I have been bruised and have been trapped in my room with just a locked door keeping him away from me (although he did attempt to break it down)
He has broken many things and said many horrible things to me.

Anyway
He agreed to go to an outpatient substance abuse program starting on Friday but i just can’t help but feel it’s not the end.

And I sit her and wonder how on earth i can stay with him and I just know deep down it’s because of how destroyed I am from years of csa and general abuse from my parents.


Please send peaceful thoughts my way :(
 
I’m sorry you are going through this. Marriage is a two way street; you can you your part because you love him. But he has to do his part. You are worth more than how you’ve been treated...
 
Weigheddown,
I"m sending good thoughts and prayers your way. I agree with SDD, you can do what you can do, but the heavy lifting falls to him. You cannot control the situation or the outcome, you can only control how your respond. While I can empathize with your husband on what he is going through internally, abuse is NOT acceptable. I recommend you think long and hard about staying in this environment and get support to get away from this situation. This aspect concerns me the most of your situation right now. No person deserves this type of treatment and it should be unacceptable to you. I know this is easier said than done, but outreaching to a crisis hotline, women's support shelter, someone to get a course of action to get out of that situation is best. Prayers. Based on your comment of "how can you stay based on destroyed for your own years of CSA/parental abuse". This goes back to the mind set of "self worth". You do not deserve to allow him to treat you this way. If you aren't in therapy already, getting a good therapist to address your own past is advantageous for YOU and your own self care.
With that said, I won't sugar coat it and say that the two of you can't heal. My own wife has her own past abuse, added to mine and some additional trauma's. On the outside looking in, you would think there is NO way we would make it. Truth be told, its been hell these past 3 years, but we're healthier as individuals than we ever have been, as is our marriage. However, it is not for the feight of heart. It's grueling, painful, horrific at times and its not a "once and done" its a lifetime of working together to over come our own demons. I say this not to encourage you to not try (again the abuse has to be stopped and addressed if you want to try to make it work) but as individuals you both have a long road ahead to heal and grow, individually and together. :)
 
Sorry you're dealing with that. I hope the program makes a difference even if the relationship doesn't work out.
 
Idk we stayed very stringently non violent and monogamous. Both of us were like, one time that's it. But we were abusive enough with each other anyway. We tend to pair up. (Meaning we find other trauma cases?) I went through all that with substance abuse and I pretty much stay medicated and I can't do much but be a housewife/househusband and she's always on me to do more lol. I went on a bad thing with pills when my memories were surfacing and I went into substance treatment then trauma therapy. Same stuff, running around getting pills and spending money. We stayed together.

Some days are better than others.
 
I’m sorry for what you are going through. My h did AA and I’m very proud to say he is 7 years sober. We are now dealing with a porn addiction. I would strongly encourage you to seek out an Alanon group to assist you in detaching with love and setting boundaries. I will keep you in my prayers.
 
I would strongly encourage you to seek out an Alanon group to assist you in detaching with love and setting boundaries.
I fully agree. I have been in Alanon for 35 years and it has helped me tremendously in setting boundaries.
 
I fully agree. I have been in Alanon for 35 years and it has helped me tremendously in setting boundaries.
I think this is a good idea! Could either of you elaborate a bit about boundaries they teach you to set and detaching with love etc
 
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