Drunk again

Drunk again
M

my_own_prison

Registrant
Well, So much for staying on the wagon. I ran away from my past again. I just can't take the pain. I know I'm weak. I just get so tired of living my past over and over in my mind that I want to make it go away.

Why is this happening to me now? Why 31 years after the fact? I know it's always been there and I though I had adjusted pretty well. I guess to grow I need to face this down. I don't want to be a drunk the rest of my life.

Is there an alternative to alcohol? Seriously, what can I do to help this pain or am I just supposed to "deal" with it? I guess in time I will learn to cope, but for now, alcohol induced sleep, the kind with no dreams, is comforting in its own way. I'm sorry I'm not stonger.
 
'prison,
i spent almost two years in that hell trying to escape the greater hell of the betrayal of my former wife and loss of my son. the last time i went that route i went toxic (alcohol poisoning) and went beserk. i ended up in the er for the second time in under four months for laceration of my hands. the difference this time was that i remember sitting there in part of the fog of the alcohol poisoning in the midst of the shambles of my bedroom i had just trashed royally...and i do mean i totally trashed it. i remember sitting there in toxic stupor watching myself play with the shattered glass strewn all over my bedroom floor. that was the last time i ever got drunk. the reason was because i finally recalled the rage i felt when in that state of beserker mentality. i finally remembered the rage. it turns out the rage had been directed at the abuse i still suffered from deep in my unconscious but could not remember till a year later.

i had been drinking myself to sleep for two almost two years and i never could find the solace in that stupor. i could never find the reason why i drank so much, until that night when i finally got in touch with the rage i had buried for so long. i had been toxic a total of three times in my entire life. when they happened, i had total blackouts and was somebody else. the first time was fifteen years ago in college during my freshman year when i soaked a fifth of jack in under one hour. i was fine, my friend tells me, until the discussion turned towards what i now know as a trigger. i went totally beserk and ended up in the er from a scalp wound sustained in what i was told was an escape attempt by me. the other two times were within the four month period i had nearly destroyed my hands with shattered beer bottles. the first time it happened i could not recall what triggered the rage that had me trashing the living room but targeting the stuff of my maternal perp that i did not recall yet.

sorry, i have a bad habit of thiinking the paul harvey story line has to be played...the rest of the story :) .

the moral to this is that i did not stop my self medication until i finally came face to face with the rage i had carried but buried for all those years. that was the turning point for me. i am in no way, shape, or form, advocating such a way of getting iin touch with the source. there were too many times i was almost killed from this, and i am so ashamed to say, many times others were in danger as well. my guardian angel had been working overtime those two years. the point here, my friend, is that the alcohol will stop when you reach the point that you can see what you have to see. i do not suggest you keep drinking till you "find" it, i am just saying the struggle will continue, but it is a daily choice and a daily struggle. do not condemn yourself for seeking escape...but i pray that you see what you need to see personally in order to finally overcome the essential drive for that kind of escape. i am here if you need me. take care, and be easy on yourself. just make sure you are safe and secure in your own home and go no where. i say this only because those times i endangered others was when i would get somewhat drunk and drive to get more just around the corner. don't risk it. stay safe, and if you can, stay sober. i am here, i have walked this road and i can share that journey with you. take care.
 
For me, I chose to "act out" until I got in trouble with the Law and the wife (the wife was far worse :p ) I never did drugs or alchohol, I watched my dad use the one andd brother th other. They scare me, so I just played Russian Roulette with my health and safety and marriage.

I think a lot of us have found our own way to numb ALL of the pain and the past! And usually, not so good for us or others around us.

We ALL have fallen off our own wagon, and then found a way to get back up again. Keep coming here, seekout a T, maybe a psych w/meds to help, Pray if you believe.

Hang in there my friend!

God Bless! Peace!

TJ
 
prison,

I think first off, gorgive yourself for your weaknesses. We all have them. WHat you are dealing with hurts like hell. I used food as my buffer from the pain. I still find myself falling back on it in times of great stress. But I am making improvements. THat is the most important thing, improving. We humans are not perfect, it is our flaws that give us character.

As for numbing yourself, I find that when I feel the need to numb myself, instead of chocolate, I get my soft ass into the gym. I channel all of my pain and hurt, and use it to get my body into motion. I am contemplating taking up boxing. I imagine my abuser as I exercise, and every weight I lift or mile I jog/walk is a direct punch in his face, showing that he may have knocked me down, but he will not keep me there. I hope you can find a healthy outlet for your pain. (I am a bit jealous of the dreamless sleep, as I do not sleep well, bad dreams waking me up nightly.)
Take care my brother, and take care of yourself!
Casey
 
My own prison,

Don't feel bad about the drinking. No one can tell you stop. Everytime I tried to stop, I wouldn't be able to sleep, my anxiety/panic attacks became worse, I shook from the withdrawal, had hallucinations, nightmares, etc, etc, etc.

So I can see why it's so easy to drink, it's a quick fix and let's you get through the night and through the next day.

I decided to stop drinking because I just couldn't do it anymore. I thought, screw it, whatever I have to go through I'll do it. Screw the night, what about the rest of my life. I don't wanna die with a bottle in my hand.

When you do decided to stop I want you to know that it will be worse. I'm sorry, but it's the truth. What advice could I give you or what relief can I promise, I'm not sure. I do know that for myself I've now gone 9 full days without a panic attack. Would I do it all over to get to where I'm at right now? Hell, yeah because I'm in control now, not my attacker or the bottle.

God, what I would do for a drink right now. I want to celebrate how far I've come, but I don't want to do anything that sets me back anymore. Remember the sa is over, you can choose to be your best friend or your worst enemy. It's your choice.

Take it easy,
Fusion
 
There are only two things I can thnk of:

1) One day at a time my friend.
2) The past does not equal the present. Today is a new day..dust yourself off and start again.
 
my-own-prison:
Thanks for this thread. I can definitely relate to your frustration and wanting to "make it go away." I've been living this way for a long time, though alcohol AND drugs stopped working for me some time ago. You helped me remember that by posting what was obviously a painful and frustrating experience. YOU ARE NOT WEAK - it took some courage to post your "slip". Do what you have to do to keep going. One thing my counselor has to constantly remind me of is that an emotion only needs to be felt and then it is gone. I prefer to NOT feel and have NOT felt my emotions for a LONG time. Whether with alcohol/drugs, gambling, acting out sexually, feeding my rage, or just disconnecting, I have successfully bottled up all my emotions for 20 something years. That's a lot of emotion! Those emotions have now become impatient and demanding , just needing to be felt. As I re-feel the rage, pain, shame, loneliness, fear, etc. (ad infitum) of my past a little bit at a time, I feel a bit more human and find myself less inclined to want to escape. The point is IT'S GETTING BETTER. I still fall off the wagon and revert to doing what allowed me to survive to 34 years old, but not as often and not as "far" as off yesterday, last week, last month, last year. Others have posted some great advice and similar experiences so don't forget YOU ARE NOT ALONE in your struggles. I hope you keep posting and I hope it get's a little bit easier for you. Take care.
 
My Own Prison.

First off let I want you to know I am 63. I have been at various times (and still am just not doing them) addicted to Heroin, Acting out, Prositition (me as whore) alcohol and food. Yeh they numbed me out all right. So I could hide from myself. At 21 plus a great friend got me off heroin. I acted out until I was 56. I had trouble with food until. January 2003 and I joined AA when I was 36. Oh and I quit smoking when I was 49. I guess that you can see that I am an addictive person. Now I am addicted to being in shape. First time in my life I have an addiction that is healthy.

Looking back all of the above were coping strategies and none of them did anything for my self image or worth. Today as was stated above I take it a day at a time and it works for me.

When i joined AA I absolutely hated each and everyone one of them. They were happy, the would not let me hide and they made me do things, like slogans ect. God it pissed me off. But I really liked what they had. Sobriety. Now AA does not and cannot cure SA But they do a terrific job with the booze shit. Go to a meeting. Take a lok around and remember what I have said. One other thing. Get yourself a sponsor there. Pick a guy you dont like. Someone who definitely is clear about his sobriety and will call a spade a spade and not assist any one with excuses. Slips he will tolerate but excuses never. I did that and it sure as hell worked for me.

And you have us for the SA and I hope a good T.
 
There is a way out. (I am a recovering alcoholic.)

Or, really, there are ways out. AA is good, despite what you may have heard. There are all sorts of different AA groups. If the first doesn't work, you can continue visiting others until you find the one that works best for you.

There is therapy and there are medications that will help.

I came to realize, with the help of my therapist, that using alcohol was a natural (and common) coping strategy. I wasn't aware of that at the time I was using, wasn't even aware of what it was I was coping with.

I started drinking when I was a teen and didn't get sober until I was 31 (coincidentally soon after my father died?).

I lost a lot of time.

Its true, however, that I survived. But, also, my alcohol use put off learning effective ways of coping. I had no hope of progressing until I got sober and resumed my emotional development.

Don't fault yourself for falling off. That is not uncommon. Falling off is not nearly as important as getting on again.
 
I went to my first group meeting tonight. It's not AA, its with my Therapist I've been seeing for my marriage problems. It was interesting to hear others stories. I was very open with my CSA when I talked. I was a little embarrassed because I know the subject makes others feel uneasy.

I started taking Taekwondo classes. I really enjoy it. I think it is going to help me very much with my self confidence and discipline. I'm in pretty good shape despite my drinking. I work out everyday in the gym and have actually lost 10 pounds over the past month. That's something I am proud of.

I'm struggling to find a T though. I hate the process. I know it has to be done though. Sometimes I wonder if I am spending too much time thinking about it. I know I have to address it but how does one draw the line between obsessing about it and trying to heal. Some days I feel like I'm normal. Other days I feel insecure, insignificant and inferior to all my peers at work. I will be glad when I can find the courage to become the person I want to be. Confident, self worthy and appreciated.

I feel guilty when others praise me. Has anyone else felt that way? Why do I feel that way?
 
my_own_prison

I was really struck by your comment:

I feel guilty when others praise me. Has anyone else felt that way? Why do I feel that way?
Click to expand...
I'm fifty years old and just began recovering memories of what happened to me as a child just about a year ago. They explain my behaviors and attitudes in a way that even being a recovering alcoholic and an adult survivor of an alcoholic home didn't. One of those attitudes was guilt. I continually apologized for this and that. I almost apologized for being alive. No matter what happened, I always assumed it was my fault. As you say, whenever others praised me, I felt guilty and immediately tried to discount that praise in some way. My therapist provided some insight into where that guilt came from. It makes sense. Of course, I don't know your situation, only my own.

I was abused by a grandfather during those crucial-to-one's-identity years before I started school. Yes, I said years. The bastard that abused me and raped me fucked with my head.

***TRIGGER***He said that I was too pretty to be a boy, that I made him do it, that I should have been a girl.***/TRIGGER***

In other words, he conned me into accepting his guilt and shame as his own. I was what, three years old? I had no adult emotional frame of reference or experience to use. So this bad thing happened to me because I was bad. And anything bad that happened to me afterward I deserved. Conversely, I didn't deserve the good things that happened to me. I never questioned that for over forty-five years! Even with a rational understanding of where my self-image came from in that regard, I have major problems dealing with it emotionally. Very often I still find myself as that little three- or four-year old who believes that he is a very bad little boy. My personal belief is that the worst part of the sexual abuse is not the physical abuse, but the mental and emotional crap we have thrust upon us by the perpetrators.

Anyway, take what you think you can use and leave the rest.

Tom
 
Quote from Thomas-
"My personal belief is that the worst part of the sexual abuse is not the physical abuse, but the mental and emotional crap we have thrust upon us by the perpetrators."

You're right. Sexual abuse is not a crime against the body. It's a crime against the soul. That's why I think it's worse in some ways than murder because I feel that parts of me have been murdered. Love, trust, intimacy, sex, while leaving nothing but my body, a shell.

Everyday, for over a year was the same. Work, masturbate, drink, smoke, sleep. EVERY DAMN DAY!!! That's just what was going on outside, inside my head I questioned everything. Cut myself off from people. I was powerless, hopeless. How can anyone love me, I can't even love myself?

I still can't believe that someone else had to point out to me that I was sexually abused. I called it experimentation. I discounted it, tried to throw it overboard.

Speaking of overboard, I felt for the last year, that I was being held captive on a ship with no direction known. Finally, I screamed, "MUTINY!!!!!!!!" I stopped drinking from the endless sea of nothingness. I've reclaimed the ship, but at times everything still seems foggy. Sometimes, I can see other people on ships doing the same thing as me. I'm not sure where to go next, but I'm trusting my instincts again. My true self. My own prison, keep on fighting my friend.

Take it easy,
Fusion
 
There are alternatives to alcohol, just as there will always be alternatives to negative coping skills and choices. But if you are needing it as escape, to help relax or to sleep, maybe if you are not on medication, that would help you. If you had some kind medicine that help you stabilize your moods, you would less often need alcohol or something similar. It is still not 'fixing' the actual problem, or root of the problem. But it is something maybe healthier to choose. I wish you luck.

Leosha
 
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