Drugs and memories

Drugs and memories
O

Overburdened78

Registrant
I was reading something here about ritual abuse and the person mentioned being drugged. I was drugged quite a bit, most times I was still conscious and aware, I just didn't care. I suppose having me in that condition made it a lot easier for him to manipulate me and do things to my body that I wouldn't normally respond too. Even more of a coward, being an adult and a lot bigger wasn't enough, had to use drugs too.
But let me get to the issue I'm trying to work on here.
//Could be triggering//
There were other times where I'd be doing one thing like I'd be in the kitchen asking for a drink or something then the next thing you know I'm waking up in a heap on my bedroom floor with no clothes on, sperm and blood all over me, that taste in my mouth. No memory at all of what happened. Obviously I was put out, but did I black out? Did he knock me out somehow? Did he drug me? A scarier thought, maybe there were no drugs at all and I was conscious the whole time and just blocked out the memory.
 
Dennis,

First of all, welcome to Male Survivor. I read your other post and will comment there, but I just want you to know how welcome you are here. I hope the site can help you and your brother, and both of you should know that here you will be believe, understood and supported.

To come to your question there are several possibilities. You might have been drugged, and yes, that would mean you were dealing with an absolutely cruel and cowardly abuser; unfortunately there are lots of them who would stoop this low.

It is also possible that you have only an incomplete memory of what happened. But if this is the case don't be frightened about it. It does happen frequently with survivors and part of our recovery involves dealing with these incomplete memories, recovering what we can, and learning to move on with what we already know.

If you have lost parts of the memory it probably means that something very traumatic has been suppressed. Your brain may not be giving it up because it's too much for you right now. Another possibility is that during the abuse you dissociated. What happens here is that the boy, faced with something too terrible to bear, pretends that he is somewhere else. He so desperately needs for this to be true that he actually believes he can "go away".

When I was being abused, for example, I dissociated by concentrating on a picture or poster on the wall, "going" to it, and then "crawling" along the wall to a corner of the ceiling. There I could curl up in a ball and tell myself I'm not the boy that all those terrible things are happening to in the room "below" me. Some of my visual abuse memories are actually "views" from above, so real was that feeling that I could "go away".

Some of these lost fragments do return, others don't. But the important point in the context of YOUR situation right now is please don't blame yourself or think you are freaking out or "losing it". You aren't. The problem you describe is well know to us here. You aren't fucked up; it's what was done to you that's fucked up.

Much love,
Larry
 
Thanks Larry.
I used to do something like that too, kind of go away in my head while it was happening. I can't remember what happened when I was in that state. I don't want to remember really.
 
Dennis,

I can well imagine that you don't want to remember, but memories can often come back as a very mixed bag: things we can immediately see as valuable and others that distress us enormously. We have to come to terms with whatever comes back to us - the bad as well as the good.

I don't recall you saying whether you are working through your issues and Brian's with a T. If not, I would recommend that very highly. That's exactly where a pro is essential - those times when we have to negotiate our way through the minefields.

Much love,
Larry
 
I am helping Brian with his issues, working with his therapist. I haven't really considered my own as of yet. I know it's important for me, but it's more important for him right now.
 
Dennis,

That's exactly how I would be thinking if I were in your position. But bear in mind that Brian will be looking to you as the example of strength and confidence he needs for his own recovery. It may seem selfish at first thought, but it is in Brian's best interest that some time and energy be directed to your issues as well.

Much love,
Larry
 
Overburdened,

welcome to here. I am sorry for so much pain you have had in your past.

I do not know of the drugs. I never had that situation. But I have had episodes, similar of what you describe. I have disocciative identity disorder, and have many time wake up unaware of what have happen before, or where I am somewhere I was not last I remember. So I do not know if maybe you have some degree of that, that you disocciate or block out the memory, or there was involved some kind of drug to 'black you out'.

I hope it, as you deal more of things, you will be able to 'fill' in your memories and blanks. And I hope you can find peace as you continue recovering. I wish you good luck.

Leosha
 
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