drifting

drifting
P

puppy

Registrant
i just have the strangest feeling that im all alone sitting on a raft in the middle of a huge ocean just drifting. or at least that is what it feels like. as i read all the posts here it seems like so many people have a great support network. or at least people to tlak to. wives, kids, siblings, etc. in a way i feel really ripped off. i know that is what life gave me and i will be ok with that and not live in self pity forever. but im struggling with it. i start thinking about the important things. like holidays. or wheni finally graduate. who will be there? likely no one. and when that time comes ill be ok. but im sad right now. knowing that its all gone. yeah, it was gone a long time ago. my family, that is. but i guess spending some time with them sort of made it real. i was always mostly on my own, but at least i had the illusion of family. i always sort of thought well, one day ill visit at christmas. or one day this will blow over. or one day when im old and senile ill forget that my dad abused me and send him a fathers day card. but now i just feel all empty and sad. like i want to just see some family in the park and go hang out with them and pretend i was always there until they get creeped out and walk away. i just want to be part of something. i want to know that there is a safe place i can go with people that love me. i know i can come here. but well....no matter how great it is, its not the same. and its not really REAL. its so hard to find a place where you fit in. because everyone already has that safe place. they already have families and kids and wives and siblings. i dont want to be the weirdo cling-on that shows up on holidays for food. does anyone understand this? i guess there isnt any coping strategy for any of this. just live and make the best of what you get. im at least really grateful to have my dog. might not sound like much, but it is.. at least we can eat christmas dinner together :) kibble for you, turkey for me.

anyway. just looking for some....insight. or anything. blah. im sad.
 
Puppy - I'm sorry you're feeling the way you are. Sad and lonely in this world, I feel for you. Here's an idea that might make sense, might not but thought I'd throw it out there.

I have been a mentor for court-involved kids through a United Way program. These kids are usually good kids who made a stupid mistake or are court-involved due to abuse or neglect at home.

The boy I mentored for four years never knew his Dad, his Mom was in prison. He lived with his grandparents who spoke no English, his brother, two cousins and a heroin addicted prostitute aunt. They all shared a tiny 2 bedroom apartment in a bad project with gangs and gunfights. His life was pretty dismal.

He and I would spend time doing his homework, going to movies, out to eat, to the park, baseball games, etc. Once we knew eachother well enough, he would come to my house and help me with chores, or make holiday cookies with my wife and daughter.

This time we spent together got him out of his neighborhood for a few hours a couple times a week. It gave him a sense of self worth and self esteem. Helping me with chores (I paid him by the hour) gave him a sense of accomplishment. Sometimes we would stay at his apartment, just hang out with his family. I felt welcomed and I loved helping this kid out. I gave him hope that his life could change.

We both moved to different states recently and I am no longer in touch with him. I miss him and I'm sure he thinks of me from time to time.

I wonder if you could get the same satisfaction, companionship and feeling of belonging I got while helping out a kid who is having a tough time seeing a future.

I hope you feel better today - John
 
Hi Puppy,

When I finally let go of the illusion that my family could turn into the family I needed, I felt rootless, totally alone and somehow that it was my part of my own weirdness. Having a relationship with my family was like being hungry and eating poisoned food.

Its been years since I let them go, I have a family of choice now. The grief of not having family was very hard; I still feel it at times so I think I can understand what its like for you now. I have had a little contact with one brother in the last year, he is so messed up and his descriptions of the other siblings leave me feeling very grateful that I got out. I feel a great sense of liberation to be free of the madness and hurt. From what you shared about your family it definitely sounds like you are making the right choice. The sadness is part of the grief of letting go, its hard, shouldnt be that way but it does get easier and you can have that sense of belonging with people who really love you. I am glad you have your dog, such good unconditional safe love.

Take care,

Peter
 
Puppy,

it is not easy to feel all alone, it will not always be that way.

You are young and this place is here for you, it can be hard in this place to even think that anyone cares.

The longer you are here, then you will find that support that seems to be missing.

I wish too, to have a wife who knew and supported me, but I dont.

The way I get to look at life, is to think OK, there are a load of people who are a lot worse off than me, and that really is the case.

There is more to life than maybe you are seeing right now, look for it, it is never too far to reach out to it,

take care,

ste
 
Puppy, I remember when I was standing in the crowd at the day of my graduation, and nobody from my family came to me. I do have a family, but I do not love them, and they do not value all my strength, and my successes. Sometimes I think they do not want me to grow up and live a social life deserving respect. While a Univ. student I was an outsider, and many holidays went in loneliness. I accpeted that. Something in this life, I had to accept to not harm myself or fall into despair. What I want to say is, however, the following. This life presents an infinite number of opportunities. You may be able to use them.

I think the problems will settle down and once you'll find yourself in a situation ahen you'll enjoy what you have. I am trying to say there are no perfection attainable by human's actions. More power lies in the way you value yourself. If you are sure you are right, you'll make it through the void surrounding you.

Best!

Alexey
 
Puppy - I'm the crazy Uncle that turns up for Christmas Dinner. I amuse and am amused (I try my best even when I feel like shit). I buy the kids presents that I want & usually they like them too.

A couple of years ago, my mate & his wife bought me 3 bats to put on the wall (others bought me crazy presents like a walking nun that spit sparks) - my Nephews & Nieces were turning green as I opened my presents, as I was getting all of the stupid stuff & they were getting 'Christmas Jumpers'.

Try and make the season a pretty light hearted place - buy yourself and you dog a party hat and enjoy it. I've been to some family meetings/parties where I would have been much happier sitting with a pet dog.

*I had a dog called Rusty from when I was 5 years old, through to 19 years old. He was my best (genuine) friend ever. Went away on holiday & he wasn't too good at the time - came back & he'd suffered heart failure. He'd been taken to the vets & wasn't around any more! He used to love eating the same food/dinners that we did.

Best wishes ..Rik
 
Puppy,

I have nothing "wise" to contribute except that I wept as I read your post. I want you to know that I care.

Have you ever heard the song by R.E.M. called "Everybody Hurts"? I'ts true. Some of us a lot more than others.

Try to follow the advise of the song and "Hold On". It does get better.

Keep us posted on how things are going will you?

John
 
Puppy,

I hate that you sound and feel so alone and sad. It is like more, continued emotional abuse on you.

However, I must share with you, something that is FINALLY getting into my thick head, after much pounding by many people.

Family can be bred, and family can be made.

I have some family, at home. My mother (abuse issues), my grandmother (mother of my abusive father), and an aunt and uncle and two cousins (extended family I am not so close to). My father is still alive, as far as I know, in a different country.

But, I DO have family. My girlfriend. My close friends. My girlfriends' family (although she wishes them disowned half the time, and they her the other half!) A few people I work with, that I have varying levels of closeness with. Family CAN be what we make it. And who we make it.

The people I feel closest to are not reletives. But they are stronger to me, closer to me, and usually more importent to me then any reletives I have by blood.

I hope that at some point in time, you are able to feel close like this with some friends or significant other also, and start discovering your true family.

I wish you luck.

Leosha
 
Puppy,

Since you posted this I have been thinking about it and trying to identify the answer I felt I had in my mind for you. I wasn't trying to make up something, it was just that I had a feeling there is an answer, but what is it?

I think what you need to hear is that you feel so badly about your family because it is there that we all, in childhood, wanted to feel safe, loved, respected and genuinely wanted. That is of course the right of a child; he should not have to fight for that or worry about it. But for the abused child that is often the center of the problem, if the abuser is a family member. And even if the abuser is an outsider, the child still feels isolated, shamed, and guilty. Why can't I tell my parents about this? Is this all my fault? I am so ashamed.

Another area where young (and older!) survivors have trouble is relationships. It is so difficult to trust again, to let your feelings show and let yourself be honest about them. A survivor can also feel so worthless and unloveable that in order to validate his feelings he pushes away those who are genuinely interested in him.

You have been posting for some months now, and we have exchanged PMs about various things. Of course I still do not "know" you, but you strike me as a very caring and compassionate young man. You also face down your troubles with a courage, edged with a keen sense of humor, that one just doesn't see that often. Those are tremendous qualities already, and I am sure you have many more that others just can't see on this site.

As you make progress toward healing Puppy, you will learn to accept your own good points more, and will be able to see it more clearly when others reach out to you in with genuine interest and friendship. This circle of people where you can feel safe and respected includes this place, but of course you are right; it isn't the same.

As you get older you will also see that in important ways we all "let go" of our childhood expectations of our family. My family was and remains a loving one, but I don't "need" them or relate to them as I did when I was a child, or as I did when I was your age. I have a partner and children, and now THAT is my first circle of love and safety. As you acknowledge your own worth and value, and allow others to get close to you, you will begin to connect with other people in ways you may not think possible at the moment. You will find someone to love you and feel safe with, Puppy, and around that relationship with him you will reconstruct a family that is every bit as important and "real" as the families you see others having. You will not be the odd guy showing up for food.

And by the way...Kibble on Christmas? That's not right. Your pooch has to refine his "starving dog" act and get you to share the turkey! :)

Larry
 
Puppy.

When I was truly alone, having given up on life and on family and friends, I heard a voice. He was crying and begging. The voice led me to a local shelter, wher I spent Christmas with the homeless. I found myself forgetting me and reaching out to them.

Just a thought. This world is full of lonly people.

Dark
 
Puppy, I feel the same way often, completely alone, drifting and treading water. My dog also is a huge light in my life. I used to be ashamed of it, but now I am fine with it; you should feel good about having a caring dog IMO.

People grow up, find their own support network, and I feel alone in the world also. Today I saw a woman that looked like a past g/f and I nearly broke down. It was a reminder she now probably has moved on with her life, had kids, etc. That could have been me with her if it wasn't for this; at least I think to myself. My family does get creeped out also, and in groups of them there seem to be akward silences at moments.

Sometimes I tell myself, I am not doing too bad, most of my family would be really screwed up by now if all this happened to them. Honestly it gives me some comfort, but it's short-lived. But it's true I think, we all have an amazing amount of emotional strength. It's a strength I believe that can be used in many different ways

I want you to know you are not alone in this feeling. The numb feeling is unlike anything else, even sadness doesn't completely cover it. I have no clue what the solution is to be honest. People tell me to look to family/family for support, but the problem is the support isn't there so there is nothing to look for. The ideas though posters presented here are great - homeless shelters, little brother type programs. Perhaps those are worth a shot.

Anyhow, you are not alone, there are others out there alone in their room at the same moment you are alone in your room, feeling numb and alone in the world also. The best we all can do is support each other, remember there are people who share are feelings and are working through it, reach out to others like the wonderful people on this board and learn what we can to cope. There has to be a way to connect with someone who can support somehow. There are so many people in the world, there has to be at least 1 person that can help. Anyhow, that's my take
 
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