Dressing as woman

Viking2020

New Registrant
I was molested in the 80's by my baseball coach for 4 years. I counted over 800 plus times. I never enjoyed it. In my 40's I forgave him and assited in his arrest. Immediately after I started dressing as a woman amd was surprised because I actually look hot and get more reaction from people. Ive decided to go to therapy because im going after the league and my council insited I do so. Every since I talked to him things are coming back flashbacks. I realize for the first time my life has been destroyed in so many ways from the abuse. I habe no male friends, cannot hold a job. I'm angry and tired of being lost poor and at mercy of others. I hope counseling helps. I wish there was a way to get financial aid so I can see the right doctors therapists ect. A womans group is letting me recieve counceling for free. I am in my 40's divorced 3 chikdren and excuse my French #&#_#_!. tired of feeling like I wish I was never born. Tired of always saying im sorry. Tired of feeling disgust lack of self worth poverty. I feel like im creating anotther personality when I dress so I can escape. Women dont turn me on any more amd this all started at age 40 wtf.
 

wvsurvivor

Registrant
I never dressed but I dove into the gay life for many years because I had it droned into me that is all I was on earth for, to be a cum receptacle. I hated myself and punished myself with the same kind of abuse that started me down that path. I lived a double life as a adult with the guy who was endlessly looking for a wife and the guy with my legs in the air at a bath house Friday and Saturday night with the door open so everyone could see me getting it and wait their turn in line.

I have few friends. I am only friends with a couple people that I have known for over 30 year the rest are just people I know. I know people but they are not my friends. I talk to people who are car, guitar or gun club guys but do not associate outside that setting. I go on car runs play guitars with well known musicians and shhot with great shooters but it is all superficial. I had problems keeping a job but because I took pride in what I did and my reputation. I ended up starting companies and hiring people to run but I oversaw the companies. I had employees that will never even know who I am. Until recently I felt worthless and hated myself. Anger was so bad at times I am lucky I didn't hurt more people who screwed with me. Never got angry with a woman in my life but if you were the Karen type I am not the man you want to pull your crap on.

A few months ago things really changed for me and last month I got married. Happiest I have ever been. For the first time in my life I feel something inside. I hope you can work your way through this as it will get worse if you indulge with other men. I was in my darkest places in the gay lifestyle. It is misery and it love company.

What happened was not your fault it was the fault of a mentally defective adult male who used you. I hope you get lifetime medical and counseling as part of your settlement so you can deal with this. Get help for the anger and self hate first as it consumed most of my adult life.
 
I've had multiple abusers in the 70's and the 80's. None of the abuse involved dressing.

I started dressing late 80's or early 90's. There was nothing sexual about it, it just made me feel at ease. Easiest way to reduce my stress level was to dress.

It wasn't until this past year I had sex while dressed and that was as a.favor to the guys that requested it. Sexually, being dressed did nothing for me.

I just bought my first outfit with the internet of someday having sex in it.
 

DavidS61

Registrant
I never dressed but I dove into the gay life for many years because I had it droned into me that is all I was on earth for, to be a cum receptacle. I hated myself and punished myself with the same kind of abuse that started me down that path. I lived a double life as a adult with the guy who was endlessly looking for a wife and the guy with my legs in the air at a bath house Friday and Saturday night with the door open so everyone could see me getting it and wait their turn in line.

I have few friends. I am only friends with a couple people that I have known for over 30 year the rest are just people I know. I know people but they are not my friends. I talk to people who are car, guitar or gun club guys but do not associate outside that setting. I go on car runs play guitars with well known musicians and shhot with great shooters but it is all superficial. I had problems keeping a job but because I took pride in what I did and my reputation. I ended up starting companies and hiring people to run but I oversaw the companies. I had employees that will never even know who I am. Until recently I felt worthless and hated myself. Anger was so bad at times I am lucky I didn't hurt more people who screwed with me. Never got angry with a woman in my life but if you were the Karen type I am not the man you want to pull your crap on.

A few months ago things really changed for me and last month I got married. Happiest I have ever been. For the first time in my life I feel something inside. I hope you can work your way through this as it will get worse if you indulge with other men. I was in my darkest places in the gay lifestyle. It is misery and it love company.

What happened was not your fault it was the fault of a mentally defective adult male who used you. I hope you get lifetime medical and counseling as part of your settlement so you can deal with this. Get help for the anger and self hate first as it consumed most of my adult life.
The very first thing I did when I realized at age 13 what had happened to me a year earlier, was seek comfort from an older (17 or 18) friend who was rumored to be gay. He made me feel good, mentally and physically (hand jobs and bj's), and never asked for anything in return. Soon after he left for college and I entered high school, my attraction for girls took over in a way that I see now as overcompensating. I married an amazing young woman when I was 21 and she truly, unknowingly had me on a good path. When we were together physically, I never thought about anyone or anything but her. I slipped up a few years later, and found myself quiet unexpected receiving a bj from an attractive woman I met at a conference. She was drunk and asked me to escort her to her room. I should have left but instead just sat back and let her go to town, and as she performed on me, I fantasized about the first bj I had received from the older boy. Afterwards I was overcome with guilt. My wife overheard me talking to my dad and was heartbroken. I never allowed myself to lust for or fantasize about another woman, but periodically began fantasizing about my first hand job (also from the older boy) when I was alone and masturbating. From there I later discovered gay online venues, where I started periodically sharing stories and fantasizing with men. This, like my masturbation fantasies was not constant, but it was consistent, and I now know it polluted my mind, and my relationship with the incredible woman I had married. Ive said before here (and only here) that I know Im not gay, but I know I'm not straight. I also know it doesnt matter, as long as I can heal from the underlying trauma and overcome the unhealthy homosexual curiousities and impulses which have followed me through my mostly straight adult life. If God is willing, my wife will stick with me through this, but I know I havent come close to living up to being the husband she deserves.
 
@Viking2020, sorry for how challenging your life is and for the reasons behind your struggles. What you describe with your baseball coach is painful to hear. No boy should have to contend with such trauma. I'm glad to read this man was arrested. I hope he was given a stiff sentence.

With regard to dressing as a woman, I started a thread on this website about my experience of crossdressing. For me it happened early in life and unlike Bill, it was very much laden with sexual feelings. I know that I used the behavior to deal with unsettling feelings rooted in trauma I experienced as an infant and little boy. I certainly understand what Bill says about dressing in women's clothes providing comfort... for me it shifts my mood, almost like taking a drug or sipping a couple of glasses of Scotch whisky. I certainly understand my desire to get away but it doesn't seem like a long term solution for healing from trauma.

I'm glad you found Male Survivor and introduced yourself. I understand why this forum would feel like a good choice. There is an Introduction forum that would likely get more attention if that interests you at all. Regardless, you might find some comfort visiting this website and engaging in conversations with men here. Welcome.
 

RobbieJoe

Registrant
I was groomed to like dressing up, by my father. I was given playboy and penthouse magazines and told look like any of those girls. It made life a little easier for me, as he tended to be physically violent at the drop of a hat. I was given loving and tender attention, though, when in costume; something I knew very little of when not dressed up.

The fetish followed me into adulthood. When I felt wanted or needed, I would transform into my effeminate persona. I learned all the mannerisms and would seek out attractive older men and display my coy self in ways to make them want me.

They knew ahead of time what they were getting into, my true gender. I was forthcoming about it.

I admit, I loved it, especially when the loving was sensual and tender. I fully understand the cause and effect, and have accepted it as who I am.

It is more difficult to find the forgiveness for the violent trauma and psychological mind games that my father exacted on me for so many years.
 
Remember RobbieJoe that what was most traumatic about your relationship with your father was never your fault. Like all the men here we found ourselves at the mercy of men and women whose own brokenness led them to do things no child should experience. Spending time here you get the many flavors of this horror, from seductive to violent... every element belonging to the contorted sexuality of the perpetrator... having NOTHING to do with us.

If transforming yourself into an effeminate persona gives you comfort so be it, but you may want to consider the possibility even this comfort is tainted by the trauma you mention since it is rooted in what your father demanded. You learned how to be safe with him by complying with his wishes. Of course you would do that. We all had to find ways to survive. My crossdressing served a different purpose but it too was rooted in trauma. It was important for me to stop shaming myself for those desires, those behaviors... but I learned in that process that I wanted something more than acceptance. It seemed to me that my aliveness is what I want and for that to be present I will want to simply be present... not run away into some self-soothing behavior. This is a work in progress. I made no attempt to purge the women's lingerie I bought last year and have on a couple of occasions in the last five months put on a brassiere. There is no judgment here... but each time I did it I saw the mind state I encountered was all about dissociating... a sort of gentle reverie that I've known for much of my life. I want more than that... which means stepping through shame and confusion into the present moment. We are all works in progress my friend... Be gentle with yourself.
 
Top