dreams and real, trigger

[ak]

I have dream when I try sleep last night, soemthing that happen before. Always, they of things of past things, bad things, but usually of things another person, he do to me. This is different thing, but it upset me so much I do not go back asleep.

There was three person who would come in my room at dormitry and do abuse things to me, three men, but one, he was very nice with me realy, so realy, I do not think bad things of him or think of him as same as I do other three people. One of others, he was my sport coach in school, he was with the training center I am at there, and in training, he be mean with me, but he be mean with everone, in my room he talk nice at me most time, even when he doing grose things, he talk nice at me. Other man who would come my room, he would like hurt me also while he do the other bad things. None them the worse, but they are ones who come to my room when I am there.

One night it is the not so nice person, he is there, and this been happening almost year I think. Anyway, he is doing things to me, and he hurt me and I scream. And then he have his hands on my mouth, he have my face on bed and telling me be quiet. and the dormitry person, who keep awake at night, he is at my door knocking. This man, he tell me not say nothing of him or he will do bad things to me, and I go to door. And he ask me what is wrong, I say I have bad dream. And he tell me to be quiet and not do it again.

But, I know I have marks on my face when I am at the door of my room, because they still are there when this man leaves short time later. They were there, this person, this other adult, he see them. He do not think nothing of it? He do not ask me what happen? No, he just tell everone I am baby, because I have bad dreams that make me scream at night, and all older boys in the dormitry make fun of that.

Why he not do nothing, or ask what is wrong? When I would go to train, or go to school, with bruises or cuts or other things, other things that seem aparant, no one ask of it or mention of it? Why none these adults make it stop?

I am sorry if I am being baby of it now. I know it not real, I know it over. I feel so much of it now, I not feel it before, physical or emotions. It is all to much, and I just want not be so scare to sleep.

andrei

 

[Ivo]

Andrei,
I am so sorry that you have bad dreams and that you are not able to normally sleep.
Unfortunately I am very familiar with nightmares. They are impossible to control.
No matter how hard we are trying to repress our bad feelings they are still existing, at least on sub consciousness level.
They are still there and they will sooner or later came up, at least in dreams with practically all horror.
I do not know how to stop this. I wish I know but I do not. I just can say that I know how bad you are feeling now.

No, you are not baby, in contrary, you are very brave, you always were! Never forget that!

In relation to that bad person in dormitory.
How he could not ask anything?
Simple, when someone is not human being than he doesn't have to ask anything.
(I am sure that he knew or at least had clues what was going on, he must knew that was not ghost that used to sneak through dormitory but real persons with names and surnames)

I just pray that boys who are now in that dormitory are safe, but I am not sure with so many bad people and predators around, I am just not sure.

Ivo

 

[Mike Church]

Andrei what can I say. The dreams appear to be real to you definitely. Have you talked to your therapist about them at all. I know that you can preprogram yourself to control a nightmare but you have to have help with this. Talking to your therapist about this might also help to lessen the effect. The guys were monsters plain and simple and you were a child. As well that guy who came to your door did not do what he should have and covered it up by saying you were a baby. What an asshole he was.

Hang in there buddy ok.

 

[reality2k4]

Andrei,

I am sorry you go through these nightmares, nobody can harm you now, but I am sorry if these people are still harming other boys.

The dormitory person must have known what went on, he is inhuman for calling you names, when he knew what was happening, other boys laughing when you feel so broken is so much hurt also to bear.

I hope these monsters rot in HELL for what they do.

Please look after yourself and don't let the guilt in, the nightmares can be controlled if you know how to do it, seek help on this

ste

 

[Leosha]

(((((Andrei))))))

my friend, I am very sorry, for so much that has happened to you. I can hear and feel the fear and pain in that post, and I know it was hard to post it.

I ask myself similar questions. Why did no adult seem to notice what was happening? Why did no adult seem to care, even of the physical abuse? I do have faith that things have changed recently, and previously accepted behaviors are not allowed anymore. But those questions linger. I am sure the dormitory guard recognized something suspicious. I do not know for what reason he did not report it, or take other action. And I do recall you being 'picked on' by older kids frequently. But, that is something of your nature, and it is really something to have pride in. Because you are such a good and kind and gentle person, people felt comfortable doing that to you. And to your credit, it did not make you into any person that is not your nature. You maintain that kindness and gentleness, but now you have also learned how to put a stop to people treating you badly. I am very glad you are learning this. No one has the right to treat you badly.

'No one can treat you as inferior without your consent'. (Elenor Rosevelt) Please remember that my friend, and do not consent to shabby treatment by anyone. You are worthy of much more.

leosha

 

[crisispoint]

Andrei,

Yeah, you warned us, but I read it. I felt your pain (Bill Clinton ruined this phrase for me, but I mean it, at least) because this happened to me.

It happened to me, for the most part, at school, where the bastard's office was right next to a classroom. Someone even saw the scumbag drag me into his office. Even without this, I was spending so much time out of real class, all the signs were there. And nobody noticed.

Even in my own family. Nobody noticed. Despite once coming home with a cut on my shoulder that probably should've been stitched. I helped hide that, but what the Hell, it was HIS fault, not mine.

So you're completely not alone with your experience and shame. Andrei, my dear friend, though, the shame, isn't yours, it's the bastards who did this to you. You have every right to be sad and angry at this. You're no "baby" for being so. It's natural and normal.

Hey, if this is being a "baby," well, count me in on those who didn't grow up!

It isn't going to go away overnight, but every time you feel this way, say to yourself, "this isn't my bag to carry, so it isn't my shame." You do this often enough, you will believe it. Maybe not all the time, but it starts with SOME of the time. This will be progress.

I think it is.

I've done a very poor job of being there for people. Mostly because I need to be there for me right now, and I've screwed up BIG TIME with someone else's life, so I don't want that risk again either. I am, however, ALWAYS there for you.

I love you, my friend.

Scot