Down

Down
O

Oz

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Bad news, bad week, bad day, bad everything. Arrgh, everything sucks, is just plain out shit. I get angry when I get depressed because I feel as though I'm not allowed to feel down, that it is only for weak people. So then I go beating myself up because I can't just snap out of it.

Crap day today. It's been ages since I've let myself think about what happened but today I couldn't stop thinking about it. And the harder I tried not thinking about it, the more I thought about it. Then it was a few hours of excessively worrying if I was going to become a sex offender myself which made me even more down. Then to top it off in the afternoon when I was at my brothers place all I listened to was 'Mad World.' All this negative thinking was at the worst possible time too, I was in Melbourne for an Economics seminar for exam preparation and I don't think I heard one word the lady said. So it was a waste of a day, another plus.

Then the day before I left for Melbourne I found out that my cousin died. Fell off a cliff and broke his neck. I didn't know him that well but my uncle is really torn about it and it's just really sad. :(

It's strange how things go from good to shit to good to shit in nothing but a heartbeat. What I'm always looking for is the happy medium but I can never find it. I always pretend that everything is cool when at my core I just feel really dead and disconnected and everything is worthless. I'm like no other kid my age, at least I think. I feel heaps older than I am and am just sick of it. Being a teenager would be really fun, if only I got to actually be one. But no, I've wasted most of my teenage years in depression and now trying desparately to untwist my warped and incredibly f@#%ked way of thinking. I just wish my mates could understand why I sometimes get down, disinterested in things, have a bad attitude etc. I try my absolute hardest to keep my life steady and have spent nearly everything I've ever earnt on just trying to do that (self-help books, programs, meds etc.) but nothing is clicking.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day I guess


Peter
 
Peter you are not alone in how you feel. But that is not what you want to hear.

Do any of your buddies know your background at all. Is there anyone you can talk to about it; anyone at all. Even a therapist. There is nothing like getting it out.

I tried all the coping mechanisms I could all my life and until I actuall started to talk about my sa to another human being to begin the healing process, all of my efforts just made the pit worse. I was afraid that if I told anyone I would be considered damaged goods, a freak, or a whole lot of other things. See I made it my shame.

Now yeh you had a bad day. But Peter, as you say, there is always tomorrow. One thing though, be gentle with yourself. You are really a great guy but the stench of SA is smothering you.

Tell you what, as soon as you can, do something that is fun for you and the little you. I do not care what it is or how silly just do it.
 
I missed most of my childhood. My teen years were miserable. I was deeply depressed and suic'dal when I was 17. My 20s are a blur because I was deep into alcoholism then.

Much of what I missed then and in the years afterward was lost because of disassociation. Then the concious memories started coming back a few years ago and I felt as if everything was falling apart and couldn't possibly be fixed. I experienced and still do experience bouts of rage and wells of hopelessness.

All the things you are feeling are entirely natural responses to the experiences you have had.

I am telling you that it is possible to feel a lot better. The state you are in now is not a permanent state. You are capable of changing. Slow down a bit, take a deep breath, and start giving yourself credit for surviving all that has been done to you. See a therapist if you can. Join a survivor's group, whatever you can do to help yourself. You deserve all that at least.

I'm glad that you have found your way here. You can find support and understanding here. I know from personal experience that feelings of isolation are sometimes the worst of it. I found exactly what I needed here.
 
Peter
"tommorow will be another day"

Why? because you know what's going on, you might not fully understand it, but you 'know' that something is going on that you don't like. And you're asking questions and seeking help.

Your answers might not arrive tommorow, but arrive they will.

Dave
 
Peter,

There is a lot of good words above.

Like Mikey said, let it out, share it with somebody. And like Dave said, the answers will arrive, not necessarily tomorrow, but they will arrive. And like Brayton said, slow down a bit, take a deep breath, and start giving yourself credit. I'd like to add to that don't blame yourself for the shit that will fall.

Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself.
 
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