down and out

[phoster]

I have spent my life wearing a mask. Hiding my abuse and sexual struggles, I wore a smile and went through the motions. I felt like an actor, or a puppet. Even in recovery, I find myself tending to put it on. I dont want to burden my wife with my pain, yet there is pain, a lot of pain.

We are completely incompatible, sexually speaking. I am very sexual and adventuresome. No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot be happy with our sex life. We have sex every couple of weeks, if Im lucky, and when we do it is always the same things.

Trying to be philosophical, I tried telling my self there is only so much we can do. I tried to accept what I had, and count my blessings. It was all only putting on the mask again. I am not happy.

We have talked, and I have told her what I would like. I have asked her to work with me. In return she feels theres more to life than sex, that I need to deal with my problem, and that I shouldnt expect anymore. She says we arent newly weds anymore. She is sick of my complaints, and I am sick of complaining. I cannot help but wonder what life would be like with someone more like me, an equally adventuresome and sexual partner. To make that voice stronger, in recovery I have stumbled upon women who are very much like me, so I know they exist.

On the other hand, I love my kids and my wife. I cannot imagine not seeing my kids every day. Then you have the finances, throw support in, and we couldnt afford to go on. It would mean certain bankruptcy and starting all over again at 40.

I guess the part that is loudest at the moment says if Im free at least I have a chance for happiness. Where I am, I see only years of enduring, and further decline of intimacy and affection. I feel we are at an impasse. It just feels so wrong that sex is such a vital part of my happiness. I want to be a good father and husband. I want to make it work, but I dont know how? What happens once youve talked, and you just come to the point where you are completely different? What happens when there is no compromise and someone has to loose?

I feel hopeless, powerless and depressed.

 

[Mike Church]

Phoster. Your comments have struck a note with me. Do not get me wrong I am married to a very wonderful Nicole and have a beautiful daughter Tanya. I think that many years ago I screwed up our sexual lives because of my abuse and prostitution. I am 63 now and Nicole is 61. There are times when we can be very intimate and there are times that we are just together doing things. I find as I grow in my recovery that sex although great when it happens is not the glue that binds us together. It is the caring, sharing, doing, respecting and being togther that is the most important for us. To belong with each other is so terribly important.

Years ago we saw a marriage counsellor because Nicole realized she loved me but did not want to be around to bury me. I was an alcoholic and verbally abusive asshole. In addition, and unknow to her, I was living with my demons and acting out. It took many sessions to come to grips with the fact that I had almost lost her and I could not bear that. In fact, unknowingly I was driving her away from me because I perceived in my mind that I was worthless and did not deserve nice things to happen to me.

Hope this helps a little

 

[phoster]

i'm not sure anything can fully help, but thanks for understanding and the kind words.

i have tried to be bigger than it, but recovery has finally freed me from all the guilt and shame over my sexuality. it is like being set free after stuffing myself in this little conventional role all this time. i am sexual, and i enjoy sex a great deal. it is vital and important to me. i cannot change that. i have spent a lifetime trying. if i cannot change that, and she cannot change who she is, i just see no hope for us.

 

[Dan88]

You know, you hit on one of the biggest issues I know of in recovery. I speak of course about my own recovery, but also about others I have known. And it's that basic problem that when we chose life partners, careers, homes, etc. we were so deep in hiding about who we were that we chose things that fit the phony person we were putting forward to the world, not the real person that we are.

It's an issue that's sort of like the third rail on a subway track. The one you don't touch because it will blow everything up. I know all relationships have to be flexible, but I think for survivors going through recovery the stress is very hard on any relationship or job or other aspect of our lives. The more I understand about the way abuse effected my life and choices I made, the more I look around and wonder why I'm doing any of the things I do. It almost seems like I continue the abuse by living in the constraints that I chose.

In the case of a marriage, it's like it slowly gets pulled out of shape to accommodate the changes brought on by recovery, until suddenly you take a look at it and wonder if it's still even a viable marriage. I begin to realize, gee, I chose this relationship just like every other relationship in my life because it allowed me to stay in denial about the abuse. So now that I'm getting a better handle on that abuse, the relationship is really out of step with who I am. Is it my wife's fault? No. She hasn't changed. So it's my fault. I'm the one changing. Even if I have to change to stay healthy, I'm the one putting the pressure on the relationship that may well destroy it. What a horrible choice.

I wish I had great answers. Like a rule of thumb that would say, OK, this will pass. Or, this is only going to get worse so I should take my lumps and make life changes now for the good of everyone involved. Unfortunately I don't. But I can tell you you're not alone on the path.

 

[phoster]

thank you Dan. i think i realized others were struggling with like things, but it is good to hear. i am very confused and trapped. i dont want to leave my family, but i wonder if staying when i am so unhappy i right either? it gets very blurry sometimes. i have fought this same thing over and over again for years, and i guess there are no answers sometimes. either choice means i lose. at least staying i am the only one who loses. leaving means all of us lose.

 

[Raphael]

I don't really think I have much to say about the issues you are bringing up but as I read this thread, I really liked your sentence below:

Originally posted by phoster:
at least staying i am the only one who loses. leaving means all of us lose.

I don't mean that you have to lose. I just found it beautiful and noble that you put things in this perspective, perhaps of a personal sacrifice for the happiness of your children and the unity of the family. These are important things. Isn't it true that we can't have everything we would want in life? What a blessing when our sacrifice can be translated into the happiness of others.
Thank you for the lesson on detachment.