Doormat (TRIGGERS!)

[crisispoint]

Yup, that's me. Just a frigging doormat.

A doormat for my friends, family, co-workers, everybody and everything.

ANd while I know some of my attitude comes from the abuse, it also comes from the low self-esteem issues I've always had. Being the kid who was picked on chases you around for the rest of your life. I did it myself to bring myself up to their level in school, and brother, do I regret it now.

If we knew, as kids and adults, what power words and actions had, would we be more careful of what we said and how we said it?

I'd like to think yes, but I think the real answer is no.

Compassion is born of pain. Empathy too. How I wish sometimes I could reach every one of the kids who picked on me and say, "this is what you created!"

But that's also immature. Most of the decisions of my life were mine to make, and sometimes, I truly made the wrong ones. I can't blame schoolyard bullying or the abuse for them.

God, I'm rambling. I hate that. But such things set us up for abuse. To continue to say "yes" because we're afraid of people rejecting us. Lying because we're afraid of what people will think if they knew the truth.

*sigh* It just sucks that, after all these years, I'm still willing to put up with the crap in my life because I'm scared. I'm still willing to be a doormat. ANd I know that it will extend to all areas of my life, if I let it.

I've got a job offer waiting for me to go overseas, and it's something I've always wanted to do, but I may say "no" because I'm scared of leaving everything behind. And I may say "yes" just to get away from everyone and everything. Either way, it may be a bad decision.

Goddamnit, I hate that.

But I know I can still make that decision, and this time, it will be what's BEST for me, not for a short-term gain.

I can make good choices too.

Peace and love,

Scot

 

[FLRich]

Scot,

I'm in the field of Education. I had been teaching students for 23 years at the same school. Year after year I would see fellow co-workers move onto other schools or other positions within the school system, and I always stayed put. I was comfortable there. I had total control over my environment (as much control as you can have with a room full of kids). Everything was structured and organized, just like I wanted it.

One day a friend of mine, who had moved up the ladder within the school system, told me about a new position with the Federal Gov't. He could think of no one who would be better suited for the position. Man, I tossed this back and forth in my brain for damn ever! I finally decided that I was 43 years old, and I was going to take the leap. I realize now that this was at the same time I finally told my wife of my abuse. I was liberated for once. I took the position and it happened that I now work in the same school, but I'm training teachers and assistants. I guess what I'm saying is if you allow yourself to get too comfortable or "safe", you may lose out on what life has to offer you.

Being a doormat for people is a safe role for us, too. We may not like it, but we know we can handle it. I'm slowly learning to say, "No" to people. Don't be afaid to try new things. I figure the worst that can happen to me is that I may fail and end up back in my cocoon of a classroom again. BFD! LOL

PM me sometime if you want to talk.

 

[Leosha]

Scot,

not sure what to say here. I do not know how to advice on how to gain self image. Because I am slowly getting it back some. But still, if someone says something nice to me, my brain will first go to why it is wrong, why I don't deserve to hear such things. I am not sure why it is changing, other then therapy, and working through issues, same as you are doing. If I had way to suggest how to make self esteem be right there, I would do it for you my friend. Meantime, we will work it through some together.

Leosha

 

[Aden]

I have taken some rather drastic leaps of faith in my day. Sometime they have worked out quite well and other times been utter disasters. But under no circumstances have the consequence resulted in permanently irreversible conditions. When I have made the right moves I have always found a way to screw things up, and when I was wrong I found a way to escape, (usually into my next disaster.) Those changes we make that have the best chance for success are the ones that we make toward progress and we fail most often when we are looking for escape.

As far as being a door mat is concerned, Im afraid that I cant help you too much. It just rained here and I have to wash the muddy foot prints off my backside.

Aden

 

[James_dup1]

Scot,
Maybe for this job offer if you sat down and wrote a pro and con list. I know for me if I step back and look at the pro's and con's of something I am facing it helps me make my mind up and not be so emotional about the choice I need to make. I am one of them people who will dive into unknown water's head first, who cares what they say about not know how deep it is. My best freind helped me see that is not the best way to live life, gives me to many head aches. So he showed me how to do a pro and con list and I use it in lots of area's now in my life. I still get headaches but so far so good no broken necks .

James