don't you huys get tired of family presure

don't you huys get tired of family presure
C

Carlos

Registrant
you see I did not spend new years eve with my mom, i told her way in advance that I was not gonna make it.

i call her again yesterday and left a message in the voice mail, and there has been no reply whatsoever, i don't know how i feel somehow relieved, somehow responsible, somewhat sad, i mean she just did not call back to my call!!!!!!!!!!!!

how to get over the guilt and the shame, she has not been very supportive, but was a key part in my abuse since giving no attention and not believing me when i told her i ran away home and she has never forigave for that!!!!!!!!!!!!!

why do I need her approval, why do i feel so empty???????????? right now!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Carlos,

I hear you loud and clear. It is very natural, even good to receive parental affirmation.

I too have experienced similar longing for approval, afffirmation from my parents, my mother especially. They/she were/was very hard on me when I was young. I did not know from one day to the next whether I was going to be slapped around or loved. This led to my emotional withdrawl from them in order to protect myself from further pain. It also led to my seeking affirmation elsewhere, an affirmation that came at a terrible price---CSA.

Even today, 40 plus years later, when my parents have changed and are quite kind and loving, I find myself longing for affirmation from them, yet fearing rejection.

It's a hard road we walk as survivors sometimes, especially where our parents are concerned. We will always be that child longing for parental approval. In my case I'm fortunate that I have it, and yet I still find myself fearing rejection. In other cases such as yours possibly, that approval may never come.

I think our battle as survivors is to somehow become complete in ourselves, so that we can live a "self contained" life, so that our sense of self worth does not depend upon how others (even close relatives) relate to us.

Having said that, I have to admit that I'm not very good at that practice yet, but I'm working on it.

By the way, Carlos, welcome to Male Survivor. Hang around here with us. We'll help each other to that place where we can truly be a peace with who we are.

Lots of love,

John
 
i know that recovery is possible and i laso know that there will always be issues to keep on working as we move on this path of healing.

it is just that i'm so very depressed. and i don't understand what triggered this emotion was it the noightmares that are back????????

it is great to have found you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and i would also love to help you guys sharing my experiences in healing and recovery!!!!!!!!

this new year has got to be a better a year for all of us!!!!!
 
Carlos,

It is important to honor yourself and your feelings. There is nothing wrong with doing that. Part of the recovery process is (if you will)taking back your personal power.

During the abuse, our power to choice was taken away. During my recovery I have found one of the hardest things to do is to take that power back. To understand that it is ok to take back that power. When one starts to take back that power (I have done this) we start feeling guilty. This too is part of the process. There is no reason to feel guilty about not being with your Mom, you did nothing wrong.

I made it a rule for myself a year or two ago that if I did not want to do something I was not going to do it. There have been numerous times I hvae told my dad or my mom that I was not coming to visit them. If they asked me why I tell them that I did not want to or I was not ready for that now. I felt guilty at first but after reminding myself that it is ok for me to do that I started to let go of the guilt.

It is a process of honoring yourself and your feelings. Something as children we were not allowed to do, so if we do it as adults it feels wrong. But it is NOT wrong.

You intent was not to hurt your Mom it was only to honor yourself. You have not do anything wrong and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Dominic
 
thanks Dominic.

i'll honour myself for having said no, with a spoonfull of icecream!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
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