Willie,
This must be so very difficult for you. As a parent who has had a child who was sexually abused, I know how heartbreaking it is to learn that your child has been hurt and that you didn't or weren't able to protect him. This in itself is difficult to live with.
To then know that this same child has carried confusion and dysfunction into adulthood and is acting out in marriage has got to be very frustrating. (And just because he was abused at age eleven doesn't get him off the hook and make it okay to lie to his wife or blame her for because she hasn't been affectionate enough.)
I have some questions for you....Does you son have memory or recollection of his childhood abuse? Was it dealt with at the time it occurred (e.g., therapy)? Has he disclosed this abuse to his wife? Has he participated in any therapy as an adult? Have he and his wife done any couples counseling?
My sense is that if he gets mad at his wife if she questions him on anything that you might trigger a similar response. What is the nature of your rapport with him at this particular point in time?.....Would he respond to a father-and-son talk, or is he the type that would put up all kinds of barriers?
I think it is a good sign that he has disclosed his affairs to his wife. That's a start. If she could somehow step back from this and entertain the notion that this may not be about her right now, their relationship might be salvaged if he could know that what happened to him as a kid as everything in the world to do with what's going on with his relationship with his wife....
You didn't mention whether or not you and/or his mother are seeing a therapist. As a parent, it would be my recommendation that this would be time and money well invested, as you certainly must have all kinds of conflicted and feelings and frustrations around this stuff.
It has been said that one can't fix anybody else...we can only work on our own stuff. But there is certainly power in his knowing that you (and/or your wife) are seeking help because you need to do this for yourself. Once some members of a family start to get healthier there are changes, and it ultimately affects everyone else, too....
This discussion forum can be enormously helpful to victims of childhood sexual abuse. For one thing, it is anonymous and this is particularly good for folks like your son who have tremendous sensitivity and little trust. If he could somehow find his way to this web site he might see that there are so many others who are struggling with similar issues...and that he is not alone.
Alas, it's hard to bring others around to our way of thinking....and, as a parent, calling attention to it is sometimes the kiss of death.
Your son is fortunate to have you in his corner (okay, even if you are pissed off at him for his behavior...!). The hard thing is that you don't want to communicate to him that you're out to "fix him," for you - nor anybody else - can do that. Understanding and unconditional love are your best shot (and, of course, you knew that already!).
If you think it would help at some point, you have my permission to print out this post and to pass it along to him when the time is right...
Good luck. Hang in there and know that there is plenty of support here...and enough understanding for all of you who are affected....
Dynamite Don
