Don't say you have hit bottom...it gets worse.

Don't say you have hit bottom...it gets worse.
J

Jerry8-14-04

Registrant
Its been quite awhile since I have last been on here. So much has changed and so much has broken.
I made the mistake of saying I had hit bottom awhile back...damn that was dumb! I could have sworn it couldnt get worse becasue the pain was so bad I fooled myself. Some how I can't get it thru my head that my whole life is directly connected to my abuse...but I run around like a nut trying to fix everything that is wrong instead of fixing the core issue. I just dont feel safe anymore, I need control. I need to have a sense of security but I never find it. My wife, god bless her soul, is on the verge of a complete melt down. I am constantly calling her at work telling her she is a whore and that she is cheating on me because I'm convinced she is. I plant spyware on this computer constantly to try and catch her talking to another man. I spiral constanly and it has ruined my life. Why can't I stop? Why can't I trust my wife? Why do I refuse to email of write my friends back? Why can't I put my problems on a shelf and work on the core issue? I'm so tired of this, my wife is tired of this...this just fucking sucks. I am on a carnivel ride and it won't stop and its making me sick. My life has become that scarey picture that scares the hell out of ya but you can't stop looking at.
 
Hi Jerry,

It's good to see you again. Unfortunatley, as you already know, this stuff does not just fix itself. It can, and probably will, be a very long and bumpy process. You will have a lot of support here if you choose to use it.I hope you decide to give it a try. It is well worth the time and effort!

Recovery is Possible,

Brian
 
I would like to say that things Will get better with time . But what I have found out the hard way is that we all have ups and downs . Some times the down side can be very bad . But it will not last forever even though it seems so some times .
I think that if you keep telling someone that they are cheating on you they will eventualy do it . YOU need to have trust in your wife . When You got married you trusted her then . Unless she has given a good reason for you to not trust you should back off , before you drive her away

THIS IS THE VOICE OF EXPERENCE
 
it cant get any worse ,just cant
 
Trust has never been easy for me. I have tried and tried but it just isnt there. Sometimes there are little glimpses of a normal behavior but it is almost always followed up by a nutty episode. I asked my T what was my deal, why I couldnt stop worrying about everything around me and not my true issue. He said I'm avoiding and he is probably right. I have come along way but I feel like the forward progress has stopped and I'm just sitting and spinning. Really bouncing my head off the wall here trying to move ahead but really not having a direction to go. My sessions revolve more around me getting ahold of my personal life instead of resolving my issue. I lost my job June 28th...that was a blow I may never get over. Spent 2 days in the hospital the first week of July (long story) and moved out of the house twice since then. Things are upside down thats for sure...hell I'm just trying to get a grip. But I do have to say today was better than yesterday and atleast I was productive around the house instead of laying in bed watching my life pass me by.
 
Jerry
I'm probably one of the guys you're jealous of.
I spent a lot of time in the Family & Friends forum because I know how much love and support I got from my wife, I know 100% how lucky I was and therefore feel it's very important to help the wives and partners of guys like us if I possibly can.

So your wife was just one of the people I exchanged views and support with, and from that I know how much she loves you and wants to support you, however it might seem to you right now.

I'm not "calling you out" here, and telling you that "you should be grateful" or any shit like that, I don't think I would need to anyway, because I get the feeling that you know where your love and support lies, but like so many survivors we don't accept it becuse we don't trust.

But "who" don't we trust?
It took me about 25 years to tell my wife that I'd been abused as a kid, why? because I didn't trust.

I thought at the time, and for some time in the early days of therapy, that I didn't trust my wife. I was firmly convinced of that. I felt that I didn't actually trust anyone, and behaved that way. I had very few friends, and a lot of ex-friends.

I came to realise that the person I mistrusted most was actually myself, and that was both a shock and a revelation.
It also took a while to reverse this feeling and rebuild my self esteem and self worth, but as I did I began to trust myself, and then found that the support and love my wife and a few friends were giving was for real, they wanted nothing in return other that seeing me get better. And I'd spent my life expecting that everyone who did something for me wanted 10x as much in return.
That's what happened to me as a kid, I wanted company and friendship at boarding school, I got it. At a price.

The real world is different, our wives married us for love, they saw 'something' in us that made them want to spend their lives with us, and we saw the same thing.
Of course there will be compromises and trade-offs in any relationship, but that's different, it's not done with malice as our abuse was. And I think that the malicious / power aspect of the abuse is the most damaging thing. It certainly seems to be one of the longer lasting issues survivors face.

So we find it difficult to accept the fact that people will actually do things for us and not want 'something' in return.
Well, perhaps they do want something in return, but it's not the 'debt to be paid' that the abuse conditioned us to repay.
The people who love us, our friends and family, the people who stand by us, they MUST see something 'in us' that is worth fighting for?
The sad thing is, very often we just can't see it.

Dave
 
I have also not been on here in awhile and things in my life are ok in that i am still in therapy ( new one ) and working on my core issues of why i am,the way i am,as a result of being abused as a child.I still to this day even after 18 months of therapy have major , major trust issues and i'm doing better with them but i know in my heart i may never allow anyone in my dear former therapist who for the first time in my life i was able to be vulnerable and not once did she use it against me.I moved out of the area and had to "terminate" therapy and i was an emtional wreck because i felt so abandon by her even though i know it was time to move on and live my life.My god am i ever so grateful to have had the chance to allow myself to be completely honest with another human being.When i had my last session with my therapist she actually started crying and right then and there i knew i was blessed to know someone cared enough about me and my happiness.As i have said i am still in therapy and im doing as good as to be expected and quite frankly i am a stronger person for staying dedicated to the very thing all my life was afraid of becasue if you were in theray you were therefore considered as though you were crazy, well i felt as though i was going crazy when i flashed back , back in 2004 of the memories re-surfaced of having been abused as a child in foster care.I know therapy literally saved my life i am now over four years sober and my life has meaning today more so now then it ever did before.I know in my heart all of my issues and lack of trust are directly related to the abuse i faced as a kid.So i guess what i'm trying to say is thank you god and this site precisely helping me in those early days of knowing down to my core self i was in fact abused and thought my world was falling apart around me.To whoever should read this post please know this...if you are having a hard time with life ad having trouble with trust as well please know you're going to be okay so long as you are gentle with yourself and allow "the process" to unfold and try your best to stay close to the people who care for you and i promise you will feel alot better off for it.
 
Jerry,

Your situation is in such a terrible mess - that I can see. But I would like to suggest something that works for my wife and me.

EVERY day, take a bit of time - say half an hour - that is totally dedicated just to yourselves. Sit down without the TV, music, or kids running around, and just TALK. Let the talk be about issues. You say what's bothering you - honestly. She says what's bothering her - honestly. And NO REPLIES ALLOWED. Empower each other. Tell the one you love: okay I am willing to hear things from your side. Just tell me, without fearing an explosion.

It makes all the difference when a couple can start to see their issues as problems that need to be solved, rather than arguments that need to be won at any cost.

Much love,
Larry
 
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