Don't mom's see the abuse???

Don't mom's see the abuse???
N

nursemanda25

Registrant
I really don't know how to word what I want to know about...

My husband was sexually abused by his stepfather. Charles and his mother married when my husband was 5. His mom and dad divorced when he was maybe 2 or 3 - his dad was an alcoholic (currently sober for many years, and he and my husband are re-establishing a positive relationship). His dad gave up parental rights to both my husband and his older brother; which my husband believed was due to the coercion of his stepfather.
Anyway, my husband has said that Charles was a great guy before his mom married him... not long after that, all the abuse started. And it turned out that Charles was an alcoholic too. His mom divorced Charles when he was probably 17 or so (his younger half-sister would have been 11). So for about 12 years of his life he suffered from abuse that I can't even begin to imagine.

One thing that comes up is that my husband, understandably, cannot remember much of his childhood and does not know if his brother, sister, or mom were abused by Charles. No one talks about it. He is sure that if Charles ever laid a hand on his mom, he would have KILLED Charles for it.
At any rate, no one talks about it. I don't expect that they EVER will. Now that Charles is dead, it seems even more likely to never be brought up.

The one thing I don't understand is how could his mom NOT KNOW??? How could she not protect her children??? These are questions that my husband is not yet ready to deal with - in his eyes, his mom can do no wrong and is completely innocent.
I love my mother-in-law, she is a wonderful lady. I cannot ever know what life was like with Charles or what kind of abuse she suffered from him as well.... but it bothers me to know that she did not do better to protect her children.

I just don't get it; I cannot wrap my brain around that...
Also, if my husband ever does confront this issue with his mother, what can I expect him to go through? What would the situation be like? Even if this doesn't happen for years, I don't want to see it coming and then not be able to deal with it or not be able to support my husband through the healing.
 
i think somewhere inside they know. my mom caught me acting out over and over again. she had to know something was wrong. i think they just dont want to see, because dealing with it is hard. they would rather just ignore it and hope it goes away.
 
nursemanda,

When I read your post I immediately checked for your birthdate to see when your husband might have been abused. We're talking 1970s or 80s it seems.

The sexual abuse of boys wasn't recognized as a problem by professionals until the late 1980s, and the two key books on the subject were both published in 1990. If police, social workers and public welfare institutions and individuals didn't see it, it's no surprise that society didn't either.

By "see" I mean an ability to put together what's happening in front of our eyes. My mother and I have discussed my abuse history extensively since I first disclosed to her and my Dad (last November), and at first she was shocked and felt very guilty finally to understand what certain things meant. When she found my hiding places, for example, she had thought this was some kind of game I was playing. "Lost" underpants she thought nothing of; my sisters and I were growing like weeds and she was forever buying new packs of underwear and socks. Times when I came home and ran upstairs, dashed into the shower and then locked myself in my room, she would always show up, talk me into opening up and come in to chat. She remembers me wild-eyed, trembling and unable to let her touch me, and yes, she asked what was wrong. But abuse was teaching me that the most important thing in the world was that no one should ever know; I was an expert chamelion. I could always bullshit her and ask could I just be alone awhile, and she would respect that request and then come back to check on me later. By then I would have calmed down; I was all ready for her and could pretend I was fine.

I know there are cases where this isn't the case at all. Too many times the boy was just totally let down by those who should have protected him. But I do think it's worth recalling that recognizing abuse isn't just about seeing things; it's about discerning what those things mean. This is all about education and public awareness, areas where a lot of work remains to be done.

Much love,
Larry
 
Larry, I understand what you are saying, but I guess... there were other things too - even if she didn't know or didn't accept that the s/a was happening, there were still other things that you just can't deny as a parent.
Most of what I know about my husband's childhood is the physical abuse... He was beat regularly... and Charles made up stories for the bruises and injuries, and my husband was labeled accident prone, a klutz. My mother-in-law is not a stupid woman, so I cannot begin to understand the why's of it all... you don't become a klutz overnight. I don't think that during those 12 years that there was any 1 year period where my husband didn't end up in the hospital because of his injuries. They lived in a very small town, and it seems the whole town knew what was going on except his mom.
But then, like I said... I have no clue what kind of abuse she suffered from - I assume she was threatened, probably beat behind closed doors, certainly emotionally abused (to me it is obvious that she has suffered emotional abuse).

I'd bet this is probably a stereotypical situation too.
It just all makes me very angry.
I have so much love and compassion for my husband, that I cannot understand how anyone would want to or could have hurt him.
 
nursemanda,

Unlike sexual abuse, physical abuse often occurs in the full view of the rest of the family, or if not, then certainly in their hearing. So yes, it's likely that your mother-in-law knew what was happening to your husband.

But when a child is being hit it's often the case that the partner is being battered as well. The beatings come with a lot of verbal abuse that make the partner feel like somehow this is all her fault. Things would be so much better if only SHE kept a better home, or if SHE satisfied her husband in all things, or if SHE made sure there was no disorder or disarray of any kind.

That is, the verbal abuse comes with violence or the threat of violence if the partner doesn't agree to the terrible things being said about her, or at least accept them in silence. She keeps trying, and keeps "failing", so more and more guilt. And this makes it increasingly difficult for her to ask for help from the outside world.

In many cases the partner feels she has nowhere to go. She fears the breakup of her family and what will happen to her children, even if they are being beaten at home, and just because there may be a shelter nearby that doesn't make going there seem safe to her. Often she keeps hoping for better times, no matter how bad things get.

You end with a powerful question:

I have so much love and compassion for my husband, that I cannot understand how anyone would want to or could have hurt him.
Click to expand...
How indeed. I really can't answer that. I wonder if anyone can. But unfortunately it happens all too frequently, and in many cases physical abuse reaches out to devastate all the rest of the family.

Much love,
Larry
 
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