Don't know where to begin

detour

Registrant
Triggers
Hi all,
I don't know where to really start. I could start with how a church camp councilor wanted me to touch him when he was nude in the showers. He also asked me to sneak in his room or go out in the woods with him which I didn't, all when I was six years old. My sister hit on me, I had a friend who was always wanting to feel me.
By the time I hit puberty I knew I was into boys. Sometimes I acted on it, but mostly was too afraid. At 16 I hit the dirty bookstores. After I graduated from high school while going to the bars and getting drunk I woke up while I was being raped. I was so drunk I couldn't get away. He apologized the next day, but I was numb and went to work. I started drinking like a fish. I had moved out on my own sometime before this. I would go home with people and sometimes pass out. This was in a big city so it should be no surprise that it happened again.
I moved back in with my parents for a while to a much smaller town. After a few years I sought therapy and my therapist hit on me. Didn't go back again after that for decades. I moved back to the big town and spent time cruising rest areas and hangouts. Finally gave this up and settled down with someone. After years of porn addiction I started scaling back.
Life is better now, but I am on anti anxiety and antidepressants. My world comes crashing down if I try and get off of them, really fast. For some reason I have a huge fear of authority figures. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, but my mom loved me though my dad who also loved me could never talk about my sexuality with me. I have no idea if I have PSTD or not. I do know that I get heavily impacted by narcissists and abusive authority figures. I don't take BS from people, but there is residual damage if I have prolonged contact with someone who is abusive, as in a work relationship. My partner and I are happy, but I am now celibate by my own choice. My partner seems to be at peace with it. I still fight to stay away from porn and masturbation.
I feel like I am a stranger to myself. Does that make sense to anyone? I would love some comments on that. I left a lot out, but I think this is the gist of it. I am a bit of a loner, and I don't know who I am.
Thanks for listening and commenting.
 
Welcome to here, I'm a newbie too, and I think you did a fantastic job of opening up and introducing yourself. I understand what you say about being a stranger to yourself. I think over time, we've learned to become who we are expected to be for everyone else, that we lose a bit of ourselves. It's hard to have a sense of identity of self when we're confused by so much that has gone on in the past. I am glad to "meet" you here.
 

detour

Registrant
Welcome to here, I'm a newbie too, and I think you did a fantastic job of opening up and introducing yourself. I understand what you say about being a stranger to yourself. I think over time, we've learned to become who we are expected to be for everyone else, that we lose a bit of ourselves. It's hard to have a sense of identity of self when we're confused by so much that has gone on in the past. I am glad to "meet" you here.
Thanks Dre. I do see myself trying to conform at times, like a chameleon. After the early childhood and young adult traumas, I have to wonder if that played a part in becoming disassociative. My biggest battles now usually deal with managing anxiety. Also anger, but only when I feel like I am being verbally abused. I had a boss for two years that would become horrible if something went wrong. If she crossed the line and became abusive, I go off, not cussing but just giving it back to her, not caring about the consequences till later.

I can put on a pretty good show of being normal, but the longer I spend time with someone cracks can appear if that makes sense.
 
You make sense to me. Your last sentence could have been written by me, as to partly why I'm here. The cracks are showing through, quite a bit at this point in time.
 

seeking_safety

Registrant
Welcome @detour. Takes courage to introduce yourself. I can definitely identify with feeling like a stranger to yourself. I blocked out a lot of my childhood. Dropping the act, even with myself, and getting to know me has been an ongoing challenge. See you 'round the forum.
 

The Bluefoot

Registrant
Welcome Detour, Its hard to know who you really are specially if hind it from others for many years or if you stay in the closet for a long time. There is nothing wrong with porn, happy fun with the same sex as long as its not abusive. I sore you been raped I know what that is like its happened twice to me at age 8 1/2 and 17 1/2. You have found the right place to to work on your healing journal./ We are all here to help each other and ourselves Please read our stories and give us feed back, when you ready tell us your stores and we will give you feed back and we talk and become friends we learn to heal together..
 
Welcome Detour. Your story is your own but the way you function in the world is almost exactly what most of us have felt... all the product of sexual trauma. We don't feel safe in the world and therefore live with pretty constant anxiety. We can be both compliant and carry a great deal of anger that can be triggered by people and events. Pornography can be used obsessively and become a substitute for intimacy with a partner. It isn't easy to allow ourselves to be vulnerable with anyone... we are so busy defending ourselves. And we often don't remember much about events in our early life... we may know the general outline but figuring out how we became so frightened is difficult.

And so you found Male Survivor and introduced yourself... joining a club none of us wanted to join but are relieved exists. Thanks for introducing yourself. I'm glad you found us. You'll find kindred spirits here as you browse the different forums. As you feel inspired, you can join the conversation. All the best on your healing journey... which is what all of us are doing here.
 

detour

Registrant
Welcome Detour. Your story is your own but the way you function in the world is almost exactly what most of us have felt... all the product of sexual trauma. We don't feel safe in the world and therefore live with pretty constant anxiety. We can be both compliant and carry a great deal of anger that can be triggered by people and events. Pornography can be used obsessively and become a substitute for intimacy with a partner. It isn't easy to allow ourselves to be vulnerable with anyone... we are so busy defending ourselves. And we often don't remember much about events in our early life... we may know the general outline but figuring out how we became so frightened is difficult.

And so you found Male Survivor and introduced yourself... joining a club none of us wanted to join but are relieved exists. Thanks for introducing yourself. I'm glad you found us. You'll find kindred spirits here as you browse the different forums. As you feel inspired, you can join the conversation. All the best on your healing journey... which is what all of us are doing here.
Thanks everyone, thanks Visitor! I am Catholic so when I lapse into using porn and masturbating, I feel as if I am throwing dirt into God's eyes. It is quite a struggle. I have managed to cut out sexually acting out for years since I feel that is destructive, at least for me. My partner is Catholic too and we have been chastely living together for years. It is a good relationship.

I was a porn addict for years. I had gigs of porn and a forklift size load of magazines in VHS tapes before that. Because of this, I would prefer no fapping, and while I make progress as opposed to what it was years ago, I still trip up. If you guys feel differently about any of this, you'll get no judgement from me about it what-so-ever. I just appreciate getting posts from you!
 
Top