dont know what to do anymore....jokers wife

dont know what to do anymore....jokers wife
James_dup1

James_dup1

Registrant
hi my name is laura, im jokers wife. i dont know what to do anymore, he has totaly shut me out, wont talk to me, wont touch me, nothing. i am at my wits ends, i think it is time to call it quits. he will need all of you all suport he can get, and just so you know you all are the only support he gets, he doesnt go anywhere else to find it. i am a sa survivor myself, but have not been able to work on my self and betwen that and being totaly shut out and treated like i dont exist from joker and our landlord and neighbors i cant handle it anymore. joker refuses to talk to me about anything, he bottles it all up inside, and lets nothing out. all he does anymore is talk on here and messes with the computer in some way. i try to talk, nothing, i try to be supportive, nothing, i cant read hismind so i dont know whats going on inside of him. all i know is i cant hold on to someting that is not there anymore. i love him with all my heart,i want to help him and be there for him, he refuses to let me, he locks me out toataly and expect it not to bother me and when it does he is like how dare i have feeling as well. i try to talk to him about how i am feeling
he refuses to listen or even act like he cares. its like he doesnt even want me in the same house hold as he is in anymore. i trtied to talk to him the other day, he didnt have time he said, he just wanted to go to sleep, he said i will try and talk to you tomarrow, i coulndt standit any longer so i wrote him a letter on how i felt, and woke him up and gave it to him, he read it put it down got dressed went a got cigs at the store and went back to bed. the next day when he finaly took the time to talk wich i had to demand a time for, he basicaly told me oh well. either deal with it or go. i had told him i was on the edge of leaving then, and in all honesty i have had enough i want to leave, but i have no wear to go, no money nothing. not even a friend to stay with for a couple of days.so i stayed. still he acts if i have no feelings. i feel trapped, i cant stay, not anymore, but i cant leave either. my heart tells me to stay because i love him so much and i know it isnt his fault what happened to him. but my head screams leave and leave as fast as you can, its not my fault either and he is making me pay for it. i dont know what to do, i know i sound irratic right now, i am. i just trried talking to him again, ,he still refuses. i know this is hell on him, i know its not his fault what happened to him,i know that this is something that takes time.i know this because i am a survivor too. i dont blame him, he didnt do it, but yet he is treating me like im his abuser. what do i do? sorry for the ranting and raving

laura..jokers wife
 
if i made anyone uncomfortable i am sorry, that wasnt my intint. i just needed to vent and didnt know where to go , i knew all of you know my husband and whats been going on, i guess i was just trying to reach out to people who knows the situation. i have no where else to go. sorry
 
Laura,

No need to apologize for venting. Not here, not to me.

I'm glad you have a way to let the pressure out.

And I am familiar with the way you are feeling. I lived with an alcoholic for many years. He would also "shut me out", only he did it by getting drunk and passing out.

It hurts so much to feel like we are being ignored or worse taken for granted. For me it is a powerful trigger that reminds me of the sexual abuser in my life. When I did not fit his requirements any longer, he dropped me and moved on and then MADE IT SEEM LIKE IT WAS MY FAULT.

Please hang in there and keep reaching out for support. You can be proud of yourself for that. For caring enough to try to improve for you and your kids.

I try to never give advice, but many people find support in recovery groups like Al-Anon... or others. At least it's an hour away from the house. It might be helpful to have a quiet place like that to go.

One other question; Why should you be the one to leave? Unless you are in physical harm's way, why not make it easier on yourself. It doesn't sound like you need any more stressors in your life right now. Just my thoughts...take what is helpful and leave the rest behind.

Remember we only have to live life one day, one hour, one minute at a time.....

Wishing you peace and serenity and recovery,
 
ty for your reply, and yes that is exactly how i feel. i do feel taken advantage of as well as like he thinks its all my fault. and it is a huge trigger for me on my abuse, but he hast even taken the time to find that out either. i said i should leave because i'm the one giving up,nothim. this is his home aswell as mine, and it's my idea to leave, so it should be me not him. he also has enough on his plate to deal with.
 
oops it cut me off,
anyway as to finish what i was saying, after 17 almost 18yrs. with him i have learned to watch the signs, and again those signs are arissing, wich means very rough times ahead, that i can handle, what i cant handle is his total refusal to talkto me ,not just about whats going on with him but about anything, he doesnt have the time for me, when he does it's always by his rules and standards, i have no say in the matter. i feel as if im his puppet, to do with as he pleases, to use when he wants and to just push aside when he wants, nothing else, ,im to have no feelings no thoughts no nothing. there are thingshe does that triggers me, ,but im to ignore that. i watch what i say, how i say it and so on around him, i have to be careful on how i can or can not touch him i cant snuggle with him with out permission, i cant touch him with out forwarning him. i cant hold his hand or touch him in any way shape or form with out 1st asking or saying so and that is on a very limited scale. the rest of it it a total do not touch. no and's if's or but's about it. i feel so lonely, so scared and i have things about me i want to talk to him about but cant. i have to shove my feelings down because they are not allowed. i have to constantly think about what i say and do with him and etc etc etc, but he doesnt with me, he can say and do whatever he wants to with me. and i am so tired of it im wore out i cant give anymore with noone giving back.
 
Hi Laura, I just wanted to say that you have my support and empathy for your situation. My bf is a survivor & I've been struggling with some similar reasons issues. It is hard when you love someone and they shut you out. I wouldn't even try to give any advice because I myself am looking for the answers. Just know that this is a welcoming place to come, read and post. There is a lot of caring and non-jugemental support to be found here. (The family and friends area also has a lot of posts from wives & partners).
-BB.
 
Laura:

What are the chances of you and James getting some good therapy or counseling together, maybe with separate sessions for both of you as you need them? It could be very helpful tho I know its not always easy to find.

Laura I hope James will talk to you, as I've told him and as I relate to he is fortunate to have a wife who has stuck with him thru all this. Hope ya'll can work things out somehow. For it seems you really do love each other.

Both of you please do what you can to get help & support somewhere.

As BB said, you can find a lot of help here, in the Family & Friends forum and other places as well.

Best wishes & prayers to you both

Victor
 
thank you all for your support, we have been trying to get into councling, even have the welfare system here trying to get us a spot some place, sofar no luck,but we are working on it, i cant wait till we can. thanks again for the support.

laura
 
Laura,

Take you time unless there is physical abuse. You can still do thing for yourself just where you are and take care of yourself. I recommand "The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself" by Beverly Engel. It has been my experience that the best way to get somebody's attention is to be yourself. It seems rare these days when so much is valued for image, not substance.

Being shut out is a terrible thing but letting him know how you feel at that time may add to his guil, trauma, etc. I hear from guys here who hate letters because they received so many from people. Hope you both get the help you seek.

Take care,
Freedom.
 
Laura:

Here's hoping & praying both of you can get into counseling therapy. Here are some books that might
help that can be purchased new or used thru the MS bookstore and Amazon.com:

Survivors and Partners: Healing the Relationships of Sexual Abuse Survivors by Paul A. Hansen.
Written by a man whose wife was sexually abused as a child. In trying to help her, he discovered that he himself was also a SA survivor. Haven't read it but it sounds good.

Ghosts in the Bedroom: A Guide for Partners of Incest Survivors by Ken Graber.
Sounds like a good book for the perspective of survivor and partner, male and female.

Lovers and Survivors: A Partner's Guide to Living With and Loving a Sexual Abuse Survivor
by S. Yvette De Beixedon.
Seems like a thorough book including consideration
of couples where both partners are survivors.

The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Wendy Maltz.
Considers and uses the stories of both male and female survivors and their partners.

Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child by Laura Davis.
Seems to have some things for those couples where both are SA survivors.

When You Are the Partner of a Rape or Incest Survivor by Robert Barry Levine.

Outgrowing the Pain Together by Eliana, Ph.D. Gil

Laura you & James can look these over in Amazon thru the MS bookstore. Hope something here might be of some help.

Victor
 
Hey Joker & Laura,

I hope things are better today for the both of you,Laura i know Joker will pull thru this but,you need to give him room to breathe like we discussed about last night in the chat room.I truly hope that you both are able to get help and therapy both seperatly and also together,i think it is imperative to get help as soon as you both can though if you still want to save your marriage,just remember this you do not want to put the kids in the middle of all this they are innocent and they may not understand what is happening so treat them right but,meanwhile work thru the things we discussed last night.

I am still here if you need to chat and if you need support.

Matt
 
Laura,

For the last few weeks I have been where I so do not want to be. James helped me out. In the past he would talk to me for hours. When he relocated there was a break. Now we talk when we get a chance. He really helped me the other day.
If he can help me there is a chance for him to help himself. Maybe I can repay the favor, I want the two of you to be happy. I know he is searching for things to do. I wish I could just zip out there and visit for a day. Too bad MI is that far away.

Michael
 
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