Incestuous Abuse Don't know *triggers

Incestuous Abuse Don't know *triggers
H

Healing light

Registrant
Woke up this morning was talking to a friend that was upset about a few things won't discuss there things but it was heavy, but nothing new to me we've talked numerous times openly
I came away from the conversation, and was thinking it over, trying to plan my next course of action to support them

When I had intrusive memories new ones. (and old ones) How can something suddenly trigger me after so many years
I don't understand


I had a sister who died when we was children
The last time I saw her she was in my grandfather's arms he ran off with her to get her to the ambulance quicker
My grandfather was extremely distressed, and
extremely angry when he returned and in the coming days and weeks after
My grandfather and my father's relationship broke down entirely at this point
My grandfather openly blamed my father for my sisters death
My grandmother didn't she defended my father

Anyway its a time period I don't have many memories from because I shut it all away
Choose not to re vist it

I know I was at my sisters funeral but I don't remember any of it, don't remember the day's and weeks afterwards
There's all these things other people remember but I don't

Anyway the new memories one is of me sitting alone in an out building, there's my uncles dog which was female and me were both scared, me more than the dog something is happening outside

And the other is I'm in the stable with a horse and in the hay, the horse is sniffing me, but for some reason I didn't want her to be drawing attention to me

So the vain is hiding/being alone, within a particular age range
Which is nothing to do with what I was talking to my friend about

But for what ever reason it's raised this period of my life and for once I feel ready to re visit it

I'm a little fearful of where it will take me,
It's also around this time my cousin F came to live permanently with my grandparents it's some years before he raped me but
When I disclosed one of my brothers that's just a bit older than me told police that on one occasion our cousin had been sleeping in the same room as both of us and had attempted to show us dirty magazines and had shown us his penis, but that's the only time he was aware of
I had forgotten that until he raised it

I remember being a bit older and my cousin F used to tell me not to look somewhere but being a kid I'd look and I'd find a dirty magazine or photos, or one time a hand gun he always just laughed when he caught me looking

I needed to share I don't have therapy for over a week
I wasn't expecting this today

Re-visiting that time in my life will take everything that iv got but may bring some peace to my soul

The triggered memories made me feel distressed and alone (old feelings) and at the time I was deeply concerned for my friend (new feelings)
Accumulated into my inability to do what I was meant to be doing, the inability to manage my emotions effectively
Which usually leads to me in putting a crappy coping mechanism so I decided to write instead

Suppose its a day in the life of a survivor
And tomorrow is another day

Just tell me I'm not alone, or I'm not just a hot mess lol or something

There's hope right?

Peace HL
 
Intrusive memories can hit us at any time. I am often plagued by dreams that replay my abuse from when i was 9, and forced by an older teen boy. It's as real as it was the first time, and I wake up shaken and out of kilter.

You are not alone, we are all haunted here by events from the past, by memories and feelings. All we can do is work though things as best we can, and be there for each other.
 
Thanks i appreciate your post

I'm sorry you have those dreams. Your right all we can do is work through things and be there for each other

Peace HL
 
Hang in there HL, and kudos to you for coming here to write and connect with guys in this way, instead of turning to old coping mechanisms.

Both of you - @Greybeard and @Healing light - take care of yourselves.
- MO
 
MO-Survivor said:
Hang in there HL, and kudos to you for coming here to write and connect with guys in this way, instead of turning to old coping mechanisms.

Both of you - @Greybeard and @Healing light - take care of yourselves.
- MO
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Cheers for your kind words MO

I managed to stay sober yesterday and I'm pleased about that

So today I woke up with out a hangover caught up on somethings I didn't do yesterday and managed to book a phone call with my therapist

Not very good at the taking care of myself sometimes but I'm going to give it my best shot this time :)

I appreciate your post

Peace HL
 
How can something suddenly trigger me after so many years
I don't understand

I understand - for 32 years I had burried in my head what had happened in my friend Jp's basement on the day/night that his Dad grabbed us off of the bank of the pond we were sleeping on in the tall grass as we dried off after skinny dipping - it was only through reading another members post here that it all came flooding back to me

I am glad that you are taking good care of yourself as you work through these memories
 
TJ jeff said:
How can something suddenly trigger me after so many years
I don't understand

I understand - for 32 years I had burried in my head what had happened in my friend Jp's basement on the day/night that his Dad grabbed us off of the bank of the pond we were sleeping on in the tall grass as we dried off after skinny dipping - it was only through reading another members post here that it all came flooding back to me

I am glad that you are taking good care of yourself as you work through these memories
Click to expand...
Thank you for sharing I appreciate your post

I didn't expect to be triggered by a conversation I have had many times over the years with my friend
Strange how the brain works, but it's a very complex fascinating organ

It's the emotions that came with the memories that were overwhelming. Still feeling a bit sensitive and emotional

I haven't dealt with alot of things in my life sober. I abused substances for years until the last few years but iv stayed sober

I have used one not so great coping mechanism but I'm OK with it if it prevents more impactive ones I'm not being harsh on myself over it

It wasn't normal for my grandfather to be angry he was a relaxed person the person I felt safest around
I think it kinda burst my bubble as a child realising everyone even him can get real angry, as an adult I understand I empathise with my grandfather

Emotions isn't something I got alot of support with from my family growing up along with expressing them so reaching outwards is difficult but it helps, writing here helped I'm thankful for this space

Thanks for taking the time to write
Peace HL
 
Emotions are something many of us struggle with - myself included

Somehow society dictates that we as boys/men are just supposed to be tough and non-emotional - my narcistic mother certainly drove that lesson into me through her "discipline sessions" - I was a VERY non-emmotional person up until 2001 (my wife has commented to me about how it's hard for her to believe how unemmotional I was as a kid - but people who knew me back then know it's true - I never let one single tear fall from my eye before 2001 - pain levels through injury that would make most scream (chainsaw across the knee - atv wrapped around a telephone pole with myself between the machine and pole) and I never let a sound of pain escape me till 2001)

I have been told many times by therapists that it is important to let ourselves feel the emmotions we have kept bottled inside for so long - I still don't exactly understand it but it's proven medical fact that unprocessed emmotions from childhood can cause real physical problems as we age (and I have certainly seen that in myself and am trying to lessen it)

I'm glad you have been able to stay away from alcohol - I have done that myself since I started recovery back in 2001 and it certainly has not been easy at times - but looking back I know that it was the right thing to do for myself to be able to process the feelings I had been holding inside

Btw - I also still have one not so great coping skill from my childhood that I'm trying to overcome myself - it certainly is a process that can take time - but it's worth it - we are worth it - the kids that we were are worth it
 
TJ jeff said:
Emotions are something many of us struggle with - myself included

Somehow society dictates that we as boys/men are just supposed to be tough and non-emotional - my narcistic mother certainly drove that lesson into me through her "discipline sessions" - I was a VERY non-emmotional person up until 2001 (my wife has commented to me about how it's hard for her to believe how unemmotional I was as a kid - but people who knew me back then know it's true - I never let one single tear fall from my eye before 2001 - pain levels through injury that would make most scream (chainsaw across the knee - atv wrapped around a telephone pole with myself between the machine and pole) and I never let a sound of pain escape me till 2001)

I have been told many times by therapists that it is important to let ourselves feel the emmotions we have kept bottled inside for so long - I still don't exactly understand it but it's proven medical fact that unprocessed emmotions from childhood can cause real physical problems as we age (and I have certainly seen that in myself and am trying to lessen it)

I'm glad you have been able to stay away from alcohol - I have done that myself since I started recovery back in 2001 and it certainly has not been easy at times - but looking back I know that it was the right thing to do for myself to be able to process the feelings I had been holding inside

Btw - I also still have one not so great coping skill from my childhood that I'm trying to overcome myself - it certainly is a process that can take time - but it's worth it - we are worth it - the kids that we were are worth it
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I'm so very sorry you have newly discovered buried trauma to unpack and sort through. It's unspeakable what was done to so many of us.
Also glad you have been clean and sober since 2001. That's a huge accomplishment for anyone with addictive personalities (myself included) and an even bigger accomplishment, I personally think, considering the CSA and CA we have endured and still carry with us.
Not particularly proud of my remaining coping mechanism, but I'm no longer ashamed or guilty for it. But I know that I can continue to work on seeking light rather than shadows.

Thank you for your shares. And for being one of the great guys that keep this important site running smoothly.
 
I just saw the post and wanted to say that i think incest compounds things a lot at least it does for me. I still struggle with things at times as i find myself think about my childhood especially for some reason when i am laying in bed at night. Al that does is just makes it difficult for me to go to sleep as my mind will start to race. For me I want so much to be able to truly just lay everything out to my mom, to tell her how i see myself as this failure or this person no one would like if they knew my past and stuff. I struggle to show myself any compassion which i know i need to change that. These past two weeks had been hard as my mother and aunt came to visit for a week about 3 weeks ago. It caused me a lot of anxiety which i wont go in to here. But it caused things to come up with me which had caused me to not be able to sleep.

I know I drink to much which does not help things and I know I need to stop or at least cutback. I never did drink every night like i do nto until several years ago which ironically is also about the time i started to really get in to my past on this stuff. There were other stressors but i think this was the biggest. Sadly if I am alone like i was last week due to work i do not drink near as much as i have time to myself and cope the way i had all my life.

In a way I feel better I know I am not alone in this but yet I hate reading about others struggles as I feel for everyone. I guess though having others who can relate and support is what we all need.
TJ jeff said:
Somehow society dictates that we as boys/men are just supposed to be tough and non-emotional
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How I hated being told to stop being a baby then as an older kid to “man up”. I was a very emotional kid and later in life is when i became more dead inside.
 
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