don't know if i can live in "their world"

[shadowkid]

if you read my post about attacking the man who beat his kid at the mall ,you may wonder what kind of person i am ,so do i. i been trying to figure out how i could hurt someone when i know how it feels to be hurt .i called my new therapist and talked to her but she says we need to talk more about my childhood for her to understand who i am now .i'm going to see her today ,another day off work i gotta get myself together before i lose my job ,too many days off they are starting to get upset with me.i think that the way i grew up has made me so different than most people that i don't have the skills to make it in the "normal world . when most kids were learning things like how to play baseball ,i was learning how to keep 3 or 4 bigger boys from raping me in detention ,while they were learning how to get along with other kids i was learning how to keep the one or two little things i took with me from home when someone tried to take them from me ,while they were in sunday school ,i was learning how to steal food when i was on the street ,while they were learning math and science ,i was learning how to take a punch from an adult ,while they were learning about the birds and bees ,i was learning how much it hurt to be raped analy by someone 3 times my size .while they were learning about the good things in life i was learning that drugs could make the pain go away ,while they were learning that their parents would love and protect them i was learning that my parents didn't care about me or even want me in their lives .while they were learning how to deal with things that scared them i was learning that if someone even acted like thay were going to hurt me that i had to strike first or be taken advantage of ,if you walked up and scared a normal kid they would jump and say wow you scared me ,i was learning that i had only one instant to attack or be beaten again ,they say if you take a young kid and put it with a pack of wolves if they don't kill it it will learn to become a wolf and forget it was ever human. thats kinda how i feel .i had to become a wolf to survive and now i don't know how to be human again.i'm not a violent person just the opposite but the defenses that are a part of me can cause big trouble in their world.how can i get the wolf out and learn to live in a world where i don't have to fight everyday just to survive? i don't want to be like this anymore !! shadow

 

[Hauser]

Dude, I KNOW that you can wait until your next day off to see your T. You're not about to hurt anybody else.

Question, does your T only see your during business hours? (When you're working). Or, will she see you in the evening? (Perhaps making you her last appointment of the day).

What I've learned about working in the real world, is that one must be good at 3 things in order to be considered a good employee.

1. One must be likable, or at least respected. You don't strike me as the kind of person that's not fun or easy to work with.

2. Aptitude. Can you learn and master your job? (I suck at mechanical anything, I can barely change the oil in my car). (I would fail at your job, but I'm not normal).

3. Puncuality. Can you be there on time every day?

I suspect that you can confidently tell your T that you can do the first 2, but that you're gonna need your help with the third, if she only works business hours. Perhaps go to another T before you invest too much time with her if she can't compromise on her schedule.

I know that you can unlearn your survival skills that kept you alive in the past.

Dude, maybe you don't even sense it I suspect, but the fact that you've come here, the fact that you're trying so hard to better yourself, that alone conveys that you're worth every effort.

Tell us how it goes later ok?

 

[reality2k4]

Adam,

it is funny how this proverb came back into my mind like it is stuck there,

One evening an old Cherokee Indian told his grandson about a "battle" that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather:
"Which wolf wins?" The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Try to feed the good one, and life can be happier.
Deal with the other one in therapy,

ste

 

[Derdlecar]

Adam,

Are you really poorly equipped to live in "there world?" Probablly a better question to ask is this. If I am poorly epuipped, what am I going to do about it? or maybe this. Am I willing to do whatever it takes to equip myself.

I'm making a list of things I see that you have going for you, and I invite anybody else to add to this list who feels I've missed something because I know this is only a start.

1) Adam is very strong and can do anything he sets his mind to.
2) He has a very kind heart.
3) He wants more than anything to do the right thing.
4) He has a job.
5) He started therapy.
6) He has come here where there are many people who care about him.
7) He asks for input/advice.

With all this going for you Adam my friend, whatever skills you lack for living in "there world," you can learn, I have confidence in you, I know you will do whatever you need to do to make it. So hang in there and never give up!

Love you

Darrel

 

[Kid A]

Adam,
It seems like you know that you are not a wolf inside, but were forced to become a wolf for survival. The wolf may have become a big part of your personality but it is not you, and it can eventually cower like a dog, as the real you grows and shines by doing what you have been. I wore a different mask for survival, and when it still comes to bite me, I get mad that its even there, but then realize that its only trying to protect me. Like you, I get very frustrated at my defenses. Some days they go away, and I think I'm fine forever, then they return, and I get upset or depressed. My therapist said while he hopes I am the exception, he has never seen anybody change over night. The mask you wear will fight to stay on as the you that is pure and light slowly begins to shine through.

 

[roadrunner]

Adam,

The bottom line is that you did what you had to do in order to survive. The same can be said for all the rest of us.

Things are different now, and what you should bear in mind is that a good man sees where he needs help and asks for it. That is what you have done. Your T will be able to help you through all of your issues, but don't try to move forward too fast. That could hurt you a lot. Let yourself be guided by your T and try to trust her. I know that isn't easy, but that is a good place to start.

Much love,
Larry