Don't know how to help him

[jasmine]

My boyfriend of three years just told me that he was molested by his Uncle when he was a child for years. This has been really hard for me and I know for him. He told me that he has never shared that secret with anyone before. He tells me that he has dealt with it but when I look into his eyes I can tell there is still a lot of pain there. I don't know how to help him. I got that book by Mike Lew because someone recommended it and hope it will help. I think we should go to counseling but I'm not sure how to ask him. Does anyone have any ideas? I would appreciate any support because he really does not want me to discuss it with anyone and I really don't have anyone else to turn to.

 

[sas]

Hello Jasmine. I feel for you and your boyfriend, it's great that he trusts you enough to share his story. Asking someone to see a counselor is hard. I know for me, and my husband, we came to it in a round-about way.

You can look at the past postings to see my story (my husband hasn't actually told me he was abused... yet.) but the best thing I found is to tell him that each of our pasts impact who we are today and how we behave- how could it not? If there are things he does, or thinks about himself, that aren't positive, then those are clues that the past is still with him. I told my husband he needed a 'guide' to figure things out (I couldn't do it). I told him he needed his Virgil (like in Dante's Inferno). He agreed to see my therapist (she has seen both of us in the past for marriage stuff) - plus she had done a wonderful job working with me (I was abused too) so I think he felt he could trust her. She told him something that I thought was quite powerful.... She said, "You, alone, will have difficulty looking at the past with a clear eye (the past can look quite scary (powerful) and you can get sucked into looking at it like you're 14 years old again, which you are not - you're safe now, you're a grown up man) - you have to look at the past with eyes of the present." That is what she can help him with.

That really stuck with me - though I'm not so sure about my husband. He is going through a very stressful time with his career right now, so his therapy is on the back-burner until May. He is still going with me to 'couples counseling' - I think he realized that I need help to support him through this (and myself!), so he is still finding the time to go with me.

It is soooooo hard to be patient. All I can say is to take some time yourself to take stock of your relationship - see if you see echoes of the past and find someone for yourself - believe me, there can be a lot of junk to sort through, once they start to heal. That is another point, 'acknowledging/remembering' is not 'healing' - they need to HEAL their souls.

Sorry for so much rambling, I hope this provides some kind of fodder for you. Good luck!

 

[sharculle]

I'll try and keep this simple as possible, as I ramble a lot.
Your partner is very fortunate to have one as understanding and devoted as you. How is it so easy for some to be able to accept,others hate you for sharing?
I have a 37+ year marriage.7 years ago, after a stay in the nut box, I learned later through therapy or ? that my worst nightmares were true.
I'd been molested since before I had recall.
It was my mother who did this.My dad was military, and must of had some real issues with her about what she did to me. One day in September, 1946, he did something horrible to me and forced my face down into its results. I inhaled some, making me extremely ill within a time frame of a few days. I was taken to a hospital and left.
I got the records from them amazingly enough and found validation of stuff that I always thought were nightmares. Subconscious stuff, there, in black & white.
I told my wife about this and the gates flew open as I told her much more than she could handle.
Events as a teen when I was put in hospitals and nut boxes on a regular basis. Stories about the experiences. The ECT stuff I endured when I did something real stupid with a gun.
Stuff I did as a pre-schooler after the hospital thing that makes me wonder how I ever got out of that town alive.
So, after all this rambling, maybe you really do NOT wish to know what and how and when?
We have children & grandchildren now, and have found a way to stick with a love that is hard to define.If it depended on sex, it would have ended 7 years ago.
She hates me for what I told her. She won't read or discuss anything about all this, or talk about anything we used to share like music and romantic stuff, even dull, medical stuff unless it is safe stuff.
This is just a warning if you don't want to deal with it. Most of us that have "stories" are very non-committal as we were taught to be this way. I made the mistake of sharing way more than I should have,and deeply regret hurting my wife and shall always feel this way.
Do you really want this for yourself?
Or for another you care about?

[This message has been edited by sharculle (edited 04-10-2001).]

 

[jasmine]

SAS - thanks for your encouraging words - I really appreciate your perspective.

Sharculle - I think its really unfortunate that your wife is not as understanding as you would like her to be. My boyfriend has not shared all the details with me and I think I understand why. I have to admit that I do see him in a different light now.

On the weekend we had one of our classic fights in which we have a heated argument and he says some mean things that he always regrets later. Many times it is about his family. I was saying that once we get married I would like us to live independantly for a while. He got angry because he wants to live with his older parents and take care of them. I love them and would love to take care of them but just not when we first get married. He was fine with it initially and then called me back saying that his mother overheard us and is now very upset(She was visiting him). He said she was upset because none of her kids care about her. He blamed it on me and he got so angry and called me names and said we should go our seperate ways if I don't agree with him. He tells me i'm the most important person in his life - but at times like this I feel like I'm #2 to his family and always will be. Anytime I come in the way of the best interests of his family- he wants to end our relationship. Afterwards, he always apologizes and reassures me that he just says that but doesn't mean it. I find it really upsetting because it has been happening off and on for the past three years. What does this have to do with his disclosure to me? I don't know - maybe he feels that he can't trust me or anyone but his family because his siblings went through the same thing. I've always wondered why he is not a very trusting person and his past may be a partial explanation. Maybe I can suggest us going to counselling about his anger issues (I also have issues about being overly sensitive). Any advice? I would appreciate it - I feel somewhat distant from him right now and have no one to talk to because he doesn't want anyone else to know.
Thanks to anyone who has read this far.